


Sweet Depression

by englishtealarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Famous Harry, Famous Louis, Gay Sex, Insecure Louis, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Oral Sex, Rimming, TRIGGERING SCENES, bad boy louis at one point, first person POV, louis being babied by harry, louis being mean to harry, louis topping however, please do not read if it will be triggering, rape scene itself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-11 09:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 97,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3322463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/englishtealarry/pseuds/englishtealarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Stay?" He questions and I can't really deny him when his eyes are puffy, wide, and pleading. I slide into the bed next to him and wrap my arms around him. </p><p>"How was your date?" He asks softly and I snuggle closer to his chest. "Nothing worth talking about," I mutter and leave it at that as I feel Harry's fingers go up to card through my hair.</p><p>"Night," he whispers and I smile against the skin of his chest. "G'night," I mutter back and try to think that I'm not imagining the kiss being pressed to my forehead.</p><p>-</p><p>or where louis is depressed and no one knows and harry has loved louis forever but louis doesn't know</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going under MAJOR MAJOR editing like I'm literally rewriting this book so please stay with me :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to my hazza wreckitlarry for being there for me and always listening to me fangirl i love you
> 
> There are lots of triggering scenes in here and uses of triggering words are frequent, so please DO NOT read if it is triggering to you.
> 
> WARNING:
> 
> This story will be entirely in Louis' POV with some Third person wherever Louis is not present. It is written in first person, so that it will be easier to depict Louis' feelings and stuff.

I blink as I stare up at the dark ceiling. The rain is pounding hard outside and I am just waiting for the thunder and lightning to start. I jump as I see the blue flash into my room and I curl up into my blankets more. The thunder booms, loud and clear, almost immediately afterward. I sit up in the bed and lean my back against the bed post. I tuck my knees into my chest and shiver from the cold. I turn to my clock to check the time and see that it's just past 3am.

 _Not that you were sleeping before anyways_.

I jump as another lightening strike hits and the thunder booms again. I hate thunderstorms. I feel the tears prick my eyes and let them fall down my cheeks.

_You're scared of a harmless thunderstorm, you worthless piece of shit._

My mind always has to add its own opinion.

_Of course you're scared. You're a pussy. That's why we cut isn't it. We like the pain, because it reminds us of how worthless we are._

I slam my hands over my ears and bury my head in between my knees. I shake my head, trying to rid the voice from my head. Another pair of thunder and lightning hit and I start to rock back and forth.

It hits again and I scream, scrambling out of the bed. I run out of my room throw open the door across from mine and I see the figure in bed try to sit up. "Boo, is that you?" The voice asks tiredly and I stand in the doorway, my sweater sleeves pulled over my hands and almost completely covering my boxers.

I sniffle and Harry holds his arms out. I run and climb into the bed, snuggling up into Harry as he wraps his arms around me. He rubs my back as more thunder and lightening strike, and I jump. He lays us down, keeping his arms wrapped around me. I stayed curled up into him and he whispers soothing things into my ear.

He always makes the voices disappear.

He always makes my fears go away.

"Look, it's just about over," Harry whispers as he strokes a piece of my hair out of my face. I nod and feel the tears start to fall down my face at how stupid I am being. His hand goes up to my cheek and quickly wipes them away. "Mm, don't cry. It hurts me to see you cry," Harry says and I sniffle again. He kisses my forehead and I curl into him more. "Try and get some more sleep, yeah?" He says to me, as he resumes stroking my back. "Okay, I love you," I mutter and I can feel him smile as he kisses my head. "Love you too," he says back and I close my eyes, knowing I won't have nightmares whilst in Harry's arms.

-

I wake up to a soft snoring and I open my eyes. I smile and reach up my fingers to brush the curls out of Harry's face. My sleeve slips up my arm a little and the bright-red cuts from yesterday's activities are in view. I quickly pull my sleeve back over my wrists and groan, knowing I shouldn't have cut on my wrists.

_You shouldn't have. You can never do anything right._

I squeeze my eyes closed and sigh. I try to feel Harry's arms around me and I relax again. I check the time and see that it is 8:30am. I slowly crawl out of Harry's bed, trying not to wake him up, but, as always, I fail. He stirs and frowns when he realizes that I'm not there. He opens his eyes and sees me standing there. "Lou, come back and sleep, it's still early," he mumbles, still half-asleep.

"We have an interview we need to go to soon. C'mon, if we get ready fast, we can go for some breakfast, yeah?" I suggest to him and he groans but nods. "Okay," he says and closes his eyes again. "Wakey, wakey, Hazzy. Don't fall back asleep on me!" I say, making my voice high-pitched. I see him smile and I take that as a sign he will get up.

I go across the hall to my room and I notice my sheets all tangled up, and one of my pillows on the floor. I sigh and put it back on the bed. I take off my sweater and stand in front of the mirror to see the tan body is marked and littered with scars. I move my eyes away from the mirror with tears in my eyes.

 _You deserve it anyways. You're too fat, and you don't deserve to be famous. That's why you have the least solos and the solos they do give you, you have one of the other boys singing backup behind you_.

I close my eyes and open them again as I take a deep breath. I walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I get in and take one quickly. I dry my hair and leave it flat, knowing Lou will fix it before the interview. I walk out of the bathroom with a towel around my waist as I grab a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, slipping them on as I let the towel fall to my feet at the floor. I put on a beanie and slip on my black Vans, before grabbing my phone and going downstairs.

I see Harry sitting on the couch and he looks up from his phone when he sees me there. "Hey, you ready?" He asks softly and I nod. I grab my keys and we go outside. He locks our flat and we get into my car. I drive us to a small, unnoticeable café and we go inside quickly to avoid people spotting us.

We order our food and it is ready within seconds. Luckily, the café is empty, so it's only Harry and I, and the trusted employees that know us. The employees know and respect the fact that they cannot expose the hang-outs we have here a lot.

Harry tries to make me smile, and as always, he succeeds. We finish our meals and Harry throws away the leftovers in the bin before the we bid a quick goodbye and then head out to my car. I look at my phone to see the text that someone from Management sent, telling me where the interview was. I set it into the Maps app and follow the directions to where we needed to go.

I roll my eyes as Harry turns on the radio and starts singing obnoxiously to the song. He starts poking me as he sings and even though I try to refrain from singing along and laughing; I fail as Harry consistently pokes my side as he tries to get me to sing along, and so I give in.

We get to the place and I had to show my ID, before security let us through the back gate. We get out of the car and I lock it, before we are quickly escorted into the building, grateful that the fans didn't know where we were this time. Harry glances at me and I shoot him a smile as he gives me a nod before we are both escorted to a room.

"You're here!" I hear cheers as we walk into the room. I see Liam, Zayn, and Niall sitting on the couches. Niall runs over to give me and Harry hugs and Liam and Zayn give us nods."Glad to see you lads again," Liam says and we all smile at each other.

We've been on a break and this is the last interview we have to promote our On The Road Again tour, which is starting in a few months.

I lean back into the couch and close my eyes. I feel a presence sit next to me and wrap its arms around me. The familiar scent fills my nose and I open one eye. I see the green eyes looking up at me. "Can I help you?" I ask and he shakes his head. "You looked sad. I just wanted you to be happy," he says and I give him a smile. "Much better," Harry says smiling and then Lou walks in, yelling at Harry to come first to get ready.

Once we are all ready, and me fighting with Lou to let me wear a long-sleeved shirt, giving rubbish excuses, and her finally giving in, we are ushered out to backstage. We are given microphones to clip onto our shirts and then we are announced. As we prepare to walk onto the stage, one of the members of management grabs my arm and pulls me in to whisper into my ear. "Remember, no sitting next to Harry," he whispers and I nod, my mood saddened.

I know Harry was told the same thing, because he brushed his hand along my back, very briefly, right before we walked out onto the stage. He shot me a sad smile, which I returned and then I forced a fake one out to the crowd as I waved. We are greeted by the host and then we sit down, me on the opposite end as Harry.

The interviewer asks boring questions, Liam answering most of them, and then we go over to the mini-stage to perform. We are performing one of our most recent singles, Steal My Girl, and I take my place behind my microphone stand.

I fiddle with my earpiece and then the music starts. We all sing our parts and then the song is done, and before I know it, we are done with the interview. We are allowed to go home and Harry and I go back to our flat. He tells me he is going to go pick us up some lunch and I nod as Harry walks out the front door, car keys jingling in his hand.

I go upstairs to my room and lock the door behind me, just in case Harry gets home before I am done with my task. I pull open the drawer of my nightstand and shuffle around until I find the blade. I let it rest in my palm as I think of how something so small has caused me so much damage. I roll up my sleeve and see the cuts from last night. I shake my head, knowing those have to heal before I can cut my wrists again, because, as it is my favorite place to cut, it's too careless.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I pull my jeans off and slip on a pair of joggers. I slip my shirt off and rest the blade on my stomach, next to my belly button. I press slightly and run it along my skin, making a thin line.

 _You barely felt that. C'mon you can go deeper. Do it_.

I give in and press it in a different place, harder this time. I can hear the skin rip and feel it as I run the blade across my stomach. I continue and make a total of 5 cuts, watching the blood drip out of them.I grab a tissue and press it to the cuts. I apply pressure and soon the bleeding stops.

 _You should have cut so hard the bleeding would never stop_.

I throw the bloodied tissue away and hide the blade back into my drawer. I slip a jumper on as I hear the front door open. I quickly unlock my door and open it, walking downstairs.

"I got us some Chinese, is that good?" Harry asks me and I nod with a small smile.He hands me a fork and a box of the food. I accept it and take it to the couch. He follows, with his food, and sits down. He turns on the TV and scrolls through the guide, before finding Love Actually playing on one of the channels. He puts it on and I roll my eyes at him.

He laughs and I cuddle into his side, ignoring the burn of the cuts on my stomach scrunching up and scraping against the sweater. We finish eating and set our food onto the table. I lay my head in his lap and turn towards the screen. He runs his fingers through my hair and I smile as I watch the movie. My phone vibrates in the pocket of my joggers and I groan, taking it out. It's a text from my lovely girlfriend.

Girlfriend: hey wanna go out tonight? xx

I sigh and feel Harry start to run his fingers through my hair quicker.

OK what time and where?

I send it and wait for a reply. My phone vibrates again and I unlock my phone, reading the message.

Girlfriend: 7? And I'll be at yours around 6:30. I'm thinking dinner?

I sigh again and type an okay, checking the time to see that it is 5:00, before turning my phone off. "I'm going out to dinner with Eleanor in a little while," I tell Harry softly and he nods, his face focused on the movie. "I'm sorry we can't have our movie marathon," I try to talk to him again, but Harry just shrugs. "She's your girlfriend, Lou, I get it," he says, eyes still focused on the movie. I sigh and even though Harry's fingers are still running through my hair, I know he's annoyed. "We can do it tomorrow night?" I suggest and Harry just nods again. I sigh once again and try to watch the movie, but it's hard when your best friend is a bit mad at you.

The movie ends and Harry goes to his room. I clean up our trash to try and give Harry some time to himself, before I head slowly upstairs to try and approach the curly-haired boy. I try to turn the knob of his bedroom door, but it barely moves, signaling Harry has locked the door. I knock on it with steady hands and hear shuffling on the other side, the click of the lock being heard, before Harry's slow voice is calling out for me to come in.

I see him sitting on his bed with his laptop shut in front of him. I sigh as I inspects the boy's face, not that I can see much of it with Harry avoiding eye contact. "I'm really, really sorry, Haz. You know I would much rather spend time with you, but I need El to keep management off my back," I try to plead with Harry, but he just turns his head to face the window. I sigh as I search the back of Harry's head. "Can you please just talk to me?" I ask softly and Harry turns to me, sadness coating his green eyes. As soon as we make eye contact, he quickly tries to put up a strong front.

Harry gets up and walks over, tightly wrapping his arms around me. I take a few steps back in surprise, but quickly wrap my arms around him just as tightly. "I'm sorry," he starts and I try to open my mouth to argue, but he shakes his head that is now pressed into my neck. "It's just that whenever we are having a good time, she has to come in and ruin it," he mutters and I frown as I realize the real trouble to this problem. I quickly rub his back and pull away, pressing a soft kiss to Harry's forehead. "I don't want her, you know that. I would be perfectly fine being a single man, but unfortunately, management has other plans," I mutter and Harry nods. "I know," he says sadly and I frown.

"Help me pick out my clothes?" I ask softly, knowing he likes to help me with my minimal fashion sense. He keeps his arm around my shoulders as we go into my room and I move to sit on the bed as I watch Harry go over to my closet. He picks out a pair of black jeans and a white shirt, grabbing my black jacket and setting it onto my bed. He picks up my black Vans and sets them on the ground before smiling at me, sadly.

"Thanks Haz," I say and he nods as he leaves my room. I sigh and slip on the clothes, making sure Harry is not around my room to see my cuts. I enter the bathroom and style up my hair before moving to go put my shoes back on. I hear the doorbell ring and look towards the mirror. I hear the voices in my head and try to ignore them as I exit my room.

I knock on Harry's closed door and yell out a goodbye to him before walking downstairs, just as the doorbell rings again. We gave the gate keeper of the neighborhood a list of people who could enter without us buzzing them in. Eleanor was, sadly, one of them, so the loud obnoxious knocking on the door follows the third ring. I open the door to come face to face with her pout and I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

 "You took too long," she whines and I count to ten in my mind to stop myself from losing it. "Sorry, I was in the bathroom," I lie and she believes me as she takes my hand. "Okay! I have reservations for that fancy restaurant a few blocks away," she says, a bit too happily, and my mind flashes to take-out on the couch with Harry as we watch movies.

I put on a fake smile and nod as we walk out to my car. We get in and she starts complaining on how she had to take a cab here and the car was smelly and dirty. I give her the usual smile and nod, occasionally giving her a hum in agreement. We get to the restaurant and quickly go inside, as I don't want to be bombarded by paps at this moment. We get to our seats and sit down, ordering our drinks and Eleanor orders an appetizer, of course.

The drinks come quickly and we place our orders for food, which also come extremely fast. I try to eat in peace, but Eleanor talks all throughout the dinner. I barely talk at all, not that I would be able to fit even a word in with her constant yapping. My mind eventually drifts off to thinking about Harry and if he is okay staying at home alone. Finally, Eleanor finishes her desert and I cut her off from talking as I tell her that I'm going to just drop her off at her flat. "But don't you want to walk around a bit?" She asks and I shake my head. "I'm just feeling a bit tired. Think I'm gonna fall asleep as soon as I reach home," I say. 

"Okay, well make sure you get lots of sleep tonight," she tells me with a smile as I take my returned credit card and stand up, helping her out of her chair. She grips my hand as I can already see the paparazzi and fans surrounding the exit. I sigh and keep my head down as we walk through the crowds. I can't feel it in me to smile, so my face is set in a frown as Eleanor keeps her head down, squeezing my hand.

I know the fans will get these pictures by tonight and start up by saying that our relationship is fake. They can see how unhappy I am and they blame it on management, saying it's their idea. They are mostly correct, but then they start saying it's because Harry and I are in a relationship and Eleanor is a beard, but that is where they are wrong. Harry and I are just best friends. Eleanor and I did start out in a real relationship, but my feelings have faded and there is nothing there anymore. 

I can't break up with her, because people will make up stuff about how it is for Larry and either Harry or I will be forced to have another fake girlfriend. It isn't fair, because Harry and I don't have feelings for each other in that way. We are both straight, or to my knowledge we both are. I know I am, but Harry and I have never actually talked about it, so I don't know for sure what his sexuality is. It's not like it would make a difference in our friendship if he wasn't straight. Management does make me out to be homophobic, but honestly it is a person and their choice and that is it. It doesn't matter who they are dating.

That is why management made that deal with me. If I ever broke up with Eleanor, I would have to move out of my flat with Harry to salvage the rumors. I don't plan on ever moving out, so I guess I am stuck with Eleanor.

\--

Harry is curled up in the bed. Louis said he was leaving 3 hours ago and he still isn't back yet.

Maybe he got back and didn't say goodnight to me.

Harry's thoughts get to him as he stares at the dark window.

He doesn't like you like that Harry, you have to stop trying. He only sees you as his best friend, so stop having these feelings.

Harry tries to tell himself this, but it isn't helping.

He has been hopelessly in love with Louis Tomlinson for so long, and Louis doesn't seem to feel the same.

-

I come inside and sigh. It's almost ten at night and I am worn out. Eleanor and I had to get through the paparazzi, then I had to drive her home and she insisted on me walking her to her door and giving her a kiss goodnight. I wipe my lips on my sleeve again. Don't get me wrong, Eleanor is beautiful, but I just don't feel anything anymore. The thought of being close to her gets my stomach queasy, and not in a good way.

I go into my room and plug my phone into the charger. I slip on a pair of joggers and a sweatshirt, as usual, and my immediate thought is to go check on Harry. I walk out of my room and see that Harry's door is cracked open. I open it fully and walk in to see him sleeping on top of his blankets, still fully clothed.

I smile softly to myself and then make my way towards the bed. I gently reach out to shake his shoulder and he stirs awake. "Wha-Lou?" His voice is tired and I smile. "C'mon Haz, you've still got all your clothes on. Let's get them off and then you can go back to sleep," I say softly and he groans, pressing his face deeper into the pillow.

I smile and gently lift his upper body up slightly and pull his shirt off of him. I unbutton his skinny jeans and slide them down his legs and off of him. He opens one eye to look at me and I stare pointedly at him. "There, now you can go back to sleep, you lazy arse," I try to say roughly, but Harry just looks so innocent and the sternness is lost in a haze of green eyes.

"Stay?" He questions and I can't really deny him when his eyes are puffy, wide, and pleading. I slide into the bed next to him and wrap my arms around him. "How was your date?" He asks softly and I snuggle closer to his chest. "Nothing worth talking about," I mutter and leave it at that as I feel Harry's fingers go up to card through my hair.

"Night," he whispers and I smile against the skin of his chest. "G'night," I mutter back and try to think that I'm not imagining the kiss being pressed to my forehead.

-

I can't take it anymore. She is an annoying bitch and she is driving me insane. I am breaking up with Eleanor and I am staying in my flat with Harry. Management can't tell me what to do.

 _Yes they can. They are your bosses_.

'No one asked for your opinion, thanks.' I respond to my own mind.

_Fine, but don't come crying to me, when you have to move out._

I shake my head and walk to the couch, where Harry is currently sitting, eating breakfast. "You gonna eat something? I can make you something if you'd like," he asks and I shake my head. "I'm not hungry, but thanks Haz," I say and I can hear the voice in my mind congratulating me.

_Look who's skipping breakfast! Food is bad for us, remember? It just makes us fatter than we already are._

I shake my head and sit down next to Harry. He finishes his food and sets it on the table, motioning for me to come curl up next to him. "What's wrong? You've seemed off ever since we woke up," Harry asks quietly and my body stiffens. He notices the change and pulls away from me to look into my eyes.

"Tell me. What's on your mind, love?" He asks softly and I cross my legs facing him on the couch. I take a deep breath and sigh. "I'm breaking up with Eleanor," I say and Harry raises his eyebrow. "I thought management wouldn't let you?" He asks and I look back down at my hands.

Harry doesn't know about the deal that management forced upon me, because I will refuse to tell him. He is such a sweet, selfless boy that he will tell me to move out, just so I can break up with her and be out of my misery, which is why I have to keep the deal between myself and management, because I don't need to be a burden on Harry.

"I know, but I'm not going to let them control my relationship any longer. It's become too much, and I can't stand her anymore," I explain and he nods, pulling me into his lap. "Do you want to talk to them today?" Harry asks me, as he kisses my temple. I rest my back against the armrest and leave my feet on the couch, my head curling into his chest.

"Yeah," I breathe out, momentarily distracted. I shake my head, clearing my throat as I turn to look back up at Harry. "I gotta call El first. Get the easy part over with," I mutter and I wish that I could feel at least a little bit guilty for cutting things with her. I can't though, because I honestly cannot stand her.

I pull out my phone to click on her contact and it rings a few times before she picks it up. "Hello?" She questions, her voice coming out in short gasps and I scrunch my eyebrows together. "Hey El, it's me," I say cautiously and I hear her take a gasp. I sit up in Harry's lap and ignore his concerned face. "O-Oh! Hey Lo-Louis. Oh god," A moan makes its way across the phone and I shake my head in disbelief.

She's cheating on me. Fuck the whole try to lay it down softly so she doesn't get hurt. She doesn't even seem to care. There is some muffled talking and then it falls silent, her voice ringing through the phone again. "I'm sorry, what was that Boobear?" She asks and I can't believe it. She has the fucking nerve to call me that? After this?

I stand up from Harry's lap and start pacing back and forth, clenching my hand in a fist before unclenching it again. Of course she has to be fucking someone whilst she is talking to me, to her boyfriend, on the phone. I mean, I'm breaking up with her, but does this mean she's been cheating on me for awhile?

Ouch. How long has she been cheating? Why was she cheating?

_It's because you are never good enough for someone to love._

"Nevermind, it doesn't really matter now does it. Please don't call me that, only Harry can call me that. I'm sorry for interrupting the fuck session. Please, don't let me be the cock block," I say, my voice a lot more bitter than I thought it would be. She giggles over the phone and I let my mouth drop open. "I don't know what you're talking about," she giggles again and I'm just so done with her by this point.

"Forget it, Eleanor, we are done and I just want you to never try and contact me again, yeah?" I spit over the phone and I hear her gasp. "C'mon Lou, you don't mean that," she says, still fucking giggling. "You better fucking believe I mean it. I never want to see you again. Get back to your fuck buddy," I sat and that seems to make it click for her, because she suddenly becomes serious.

"We all know you're just breaking up with me so you can be with Harry, but guess what? I know about the deal with management and I know you better say goodbye, because you won't be seeing much of him anymore," she spits back and my face pales. She knows about the deal? But how?

I spot Harry's concerned face and I shake my head at her. "You're just jealous because I love him more as a friend than I ever loved you romantically," I say harshly before hanging up and throwing my phone onto the couch.

I run my hands over my face and take some deep breaths. I slowly move my hands from my face and open my eyes to see Harry studying me. "C'mere," he whispers softly as he opens up his arms and I crash into them. He holds me as he strokes my back.

"Wanna talk?" he asks and I nod. He waits for me to continue and I sigh, curling up into his chest more. "She answers the phone moaning and gasping and shit and then realized it was me so she, like, muffles the speaker and talked to someone. Then she comes back on the phone giggling and it doesn't take much of a brain to know she was cheating on me-" I pause and Harry runs a hand through my hair. "I'm sorry," he says and I shake my head. "It's fine. I was breaking up with her anyways," I mutter but Harry shakes his head.

_It's not okay, because even the people you hate can't love you._

Harry opens his mouth to respond, but I cut him off. "And then she was laughing, calling me Boobear, and not believing that I meant what I said. I told her that she couldn't call me that and she just took it all as a joke. Then she started saying that the reason I was breaking up with her was to be with you and she said she knew about the deal with management and that I wasn't going to be able to see much of you anymore and-" I speak, my mind not catching up with my mouth and Harry interrupts me.

"What deal?" He asks and I freeze. "I-uh-they said that if I ever broke up with Eleanor, then I would have to move out of the flat with you to keep rumors at bay," I mumble softly and glance sideways to see Harry's face. "That's why you didn't break up with her before? Because you didn't want to move out?" He asks and I nod.

He wraps his arms around me tighter and I sigh. "You could have told me and we would've worked it out," Harry says and I shrug my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to have to worry about me," I mutter and he grips my shoulders softly, forcing me to look at him. "Please, don't ever think that. You are my best friend and I care about everything having to do with you. Don't keep secrets from me? Please?" He says and I nod.

"Okay," I whisper, averting my eyes to my covered arms at the lie. I will never tell him. He can't know. Unless he finds out about them somehow.

_Then you will be in trouble! Why do you think I'm here? To remind you of how worthless and ugly you are. It's obvious to everyone around you. They just can't tell you in risk of their publicity and the band. No wonder Eleanor cheated on you. You were so ugly she couldn't stand you._

My voice adds in and I curl up into Harry's arms a bit more, squeezing my eyes shut. He kiss the top of my head as he strokes up and down my back. "Why don't you go get dressed and I'll call management to schedule and meeting as soon as possible," he tells me and I nod, lifting myself out of his lap.

I go upstairs and change into nice clothes, purposefully staying away from any blades to ignore the voice in my head. I quickly head downstairs and see Harry grabbing the keys. "They said they can meet with you right now," he informs me and I look outside.

It's raining. The perfect weather for my unavoidable doom. Lovely.

I grab a jacket and pull the hood up before following Harry outside and climbing into the car. I take the hood off as Harry turns on the heater and I shiver. He glances at me quickly before backing up the car and heading off down the road.

\--

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Harry asks as we stand outside of the meeting room door. I nod slightly and he takes my hand, squeezing it softly before releasing it. My stomach flutters and I shake my head. He is my best friend. I'm not getting butterflies. I accept it as a sign of comfort and close my eyes, taking a deep breath before gripping the door handle and opening it up. Harry reaches his arm over my head and holds the door open as I step through. I immediately see three people from management and they give me a small grimace as I walk in. I think it was supposed to represent a smile, but we both hate each other so much that it doesn't quite work. They motion to two empty chairs and I sit down in one just as Harry comes to sit in the other one.

"So what did you need to talk to us about, Louis?" Richard Griffiths gets straight to the point and I clear my throat, giving a quick glance to Harry seeing as he gives me a small smile of encouragement. "I broke up with Eleanor," I say and there is silence in the room. I then hear the three men sigh in sync and I wince at what is to come. "And you are planning to move out soon, yes?" Richard asks and I shake my head. "I'm not moving out of my flat with Harry," I mutter and Richard sighs once again. "Louis, you know our deal and you have to follow through with it. If you didn't want to move out, then you shouldn't have broken up with Eleanor," he says, trying to keep his patience.

"She cheated on me and she started acting like a bitch. I'm not going to keep putting myself through that kind of shit!" I say, trying not to raise my voice too much. "Then I guess Harry isn't important enough to you," Richard says and that's when I lose my temper. I am a very patient person, right up until you make fun of Harry. "Don't you ever dare question Harry's importance to me. He is more important to me than following your stupid rules," my eyes are dark and my voice is low. Richard narrows his eyes and we glare at each other for a good minute before I feel a hand rest itself on top of mine. I turn my head to see Harry's pleading face and I let my own soften into a defeat.

Richard's smile turns smug and he claps his hands together. "Alberto will pick you up in the morning to drive you to your new flat. A car will pick up your stuff after that, so don't worry so much about packing. You are excused," Richard says and the other men nod as they all stand up and leave the room. I turn to face Harry once we are alone in the room and I realize he has tears pricking his eyes. I can feel my own starting to well up and I take a deep breath. He stands up and I follow as he grips my hand and leads me out of the room. We walk through the building and back out to the car, Harry still gripping my hand and pulling me along behind him.

He leads me to the passenger side and immediately pulls me into a hug. I bury my face into his chest. I feel the tears starting to fall down my face and I grip his shirt tightly in my hands. "Don't wanna leave you," I whisper and he strokes my back. "I know. C'mon, let's just go back home, yeah?" he says and I nod, wiping at my eyes and he opens up my door for me as I slide into the seat. He gets in on the driver's side and gives me a sad smile. I try to return it, but it doesn't work very well and Harry gives me a concerned face. He reaches over and rests a hand on my thigh, giving it a soft squeeze. I feel something stir inside of me and I shake my head to try and clear the thought.

_You like him, you idiot._

Well, look who has joined us.

_Can't you see that you like Harry. You little faggot, he will never like you back._

I blink back tears again and Harry looks over at me with worry in his eyes. I just shake my head and try to rest it against the window, but he still gives me concerned glances.

_He just wants to make sure you don't faint whilst he's driving to make him take you out of his way to the hospital._

Harry cares for me, though. I know he does and nothing can tell me that he doesn't, even if it is just as friends.

_Stop lying to yourself._

Stop lying to me.

I keep my head facing towards the window for the rest of the ride and I watch as we go through the gates and into the driveway. He parks the car and I quickly get out. The skin on my stomach is itching for me to mark it with the red lines that I am used to. I practically run to the front door and I hear Harry calling my name from behind me. "Lou!" He yells and I turn around to face him just as he catches up to me. He gently puts one hand on my waist and my eyes flutter closed at the touch.

"What's your hurry?" Harry asks confused and my arm discreetly goes over to my other one, sliding up the sleeve of my jumper as I press my nails into the skin. "I just want to spend as much time back home as possible," I mutter as I press my fingernails in harder when the pain becomes numb. He looks over my face and frowns. "Why do you lie to me?" He asks softly and I freeze. I try to avoid his eyes, but his fingers go under my chin and I let my hands fall away from my arm.

"There are certain things that should be kept a secret," I whisper and he shakes his head. "You can trust me with anything," he says, leaning our foreheads together. "I know," I whisper back and he sighs before placing a soft kiss to my cheek. "Let's get you inside and I will go pick us up some dinner," he says as he takes my hand and unlocks the door, walking us inside. "What do you want for our last dinner, Lou?" He asks and I swallow, remembering the promise I made to myself.

_You're fat, remember? One meal a day keeps the tummy away._

I try so, so hard not to listen to the voice, but it just finds a way to push into my head. "I'm not that hungry," I finally reply and he frowns, walking over to me. "You've been acting weird. What's going on?" He asks softly. I sigh and move forward to curl into his arms. "I just don't want to leave you, Haz," I whisper and he sighs, stroking my hipbone. "You aren't leaving me and I'm never leaving you," he says and I shake my head. "They are tearing us apart and we are only best friends," I mutter and I don't notice Harry's face falling a little at my statement.

He pulls me closer to him and rests his chin on top of my head. "C-Can I ask you something?" he asks nervously and I nod. "Yeah, what is it?" I ask him and he takes a deep breath. "Are you-do you-like boys?" He asks and I try to not think about it in the way that I want to think about it and instead I scrunch my eyebrows together , pulling away to face him.

_He's only asking you to embarrass you when you say yes._

"Do you?" I ask him the question back, without answering and he kisses the top of my head. "I asked you first," he says and I take a deep breath. "No, I-I don't," I say nervously, as I start to play with my hands, looking down. "Are you sure?" He asks and I take a deep breath and nod. "Y-Yeah, why?" I ask and he shakes his head. I pull away and turn around, ignoring his calls for me as I quickly hurry upstairs. I shut the door and lock it as fast as I can before sliding down it. I feel the familiar tears start to fall down my face and I hide my face in my knees to try and quiet my sobs.

I clamp my hands around my ears to try and block the voice from my head. I rock back and forth as the voice keeps getting louder, repeating the same phrase over and over again.

_How do we handle this kind of pain, Louis?_

I shake my head repeatedly and bite my lip to keep myself from screaming. I'm not going to cut. Harry will be so disappointed in me. I uncover my ears as I feel the eerily familiar feeling wash over me as I stand up. I can hear Harry knocking on my door and I ignore it as I slide open the drawer and shuffle around, pulling out the blade. I lift my shirt off to see the scars and recent cuts there. I listen to the voice as it congratulates me whenever I press the blade to my skin. I can hear it cheer me on as I slice more and more red lines across the thin expanse of my stomach. The bright red blood flows from each cut like water running down the side of a cup. I smile to myself as I toss the blade back into the drawer and stare in awe at my masterpiece.

The red lines eventually dry up and no new paint is being added to the canvas so I climb into my bed, not bothering to clean it up as I rest my head on my pillow. The knocking has stopped by now, as well as the voices and all that is left is the feeling of regret from what I've done. I can't keep up the Mr. Nice Guy act when all it does is tear me apart from the people I love.

If the people I love cannot care for me back, then I just won't love them anymore.

\--

Harry slumps against the door. He doesn't like you like that because he's not gay. His voice keeps ringing in his head and Harry shakes it away. Louis hesitated and he ran upstairs. It all just doesn't make sense.

This is too much thinking for the curly-haired boy so he stands up and starts packing up some of Louis' stuff, knowing the movers will need to pick it up tomorrow. Harry eventually packs up everything that is Louis' from downstairs, knowing everything else is in his room. Harry climbs the stairs to his own room and stares at Louis' door across the hall. He ignores the pain in his chest and shuts the door to his room, falling into bed and falling asleep.

\--

I wake up and groan, remembering what happened the night before. I run my hands over my face as I check the time. There is just over an hour before Alberto is coming to pick me up and take me to my new flat. I didn't even get to pick it out. I figured out that Management had already bought a flat a few months ago that they were saving for me in case I ever did break up with Eleanor. They had it all planned out and I thought that I could get away with it.

I guess not.

I roll out of bed slowly as I trudge over to the bathroom. I realize my bedroom door is still locked and I sigh once again as I turn on the shower. I quickly get done with everything and run my hands through my hair, deciding to let it air dry. I exit the bathroom and slip on some clothes, including a jumper that doesn't belong to me. I breathe in the scent of Harry on the fabric and refuse to let tears hit my eyes. I think back to what I promised myself I would do last night and now I am regretting that decision.

_They don't love you_

I can't get the voice out of my head and I have no choice but to keep listening to it, no matter how bad it is going to affect the people around me. I grab my suitcase from my closet and pack some toiletries and clothes to last me until I can pack up my stuff and move it over to my new flat. I open up my drawer and shuffle around some things to find my blade. I grip it into my hand and smile at the piece of metal. I resist the urge to cut, knowing it will probably just happen in my new flat as soon as I get there. Instead, I take the case off my phone and slip the blade in the back of it before putting the case back on over it. I grab my chargers and set my laptop in my suitcase on top of everything before zipping it up. I check the time again, taking a deep breath.

_You're late._

I know.

_You're going to have to talk to Harry._

Not exactly.

My thoughts drift back again to the promise I made to myself and I blink my eyes to rid them from my tears.

_Oh yeah, I remember now. You're going to shut everyone out, because they don't care for you. Congrats, you've finally faced the truth._

I shake my head and grab my suitcase. Taking one last deep breath, I grip the doorknob and unlock it. I open the door and slowly walk down the stairs. I immediately see Harry waiting on the couch, holding a plate of food. "I made you breakfast," he says cautiously as he stands up off the couch to walk towards me. I remember to keep a hard face as I glare at him. "I'm late," I spit rudely and he stops walking towards me. "Alberto can wait. He'll understand," Harry tries again and I just want to scream at him to let me go and minimize the pain I am going through. Instead, I glare at him as I shove past him towards the door. "Goodbye," I mumble and Harry takes a step back.

I feel a hand on my shoulder right as I reach the door and I shrug it off. He puts his hand back and spins me around. I glare at him. Why can't he just let me go? "What is wrong?" He asks and I can see the hurt behind his eyes. "You," I spit out and ignore how his face falls. "I haven't done anything to you...?" Harry is confused now and I bite the inside of my cheek as I try to block all emotions from my mind in order to say this next sentence. "You know, I'm glad to move out of here. It really is quite difficult living with someone who is so needy," I spit out and Harry takes a step back as his lip starts to tremble. "You don't mean that," he whispers and tentatively reaches his hand up to my cheek.

"Don't touch me," I push his hand away and turn to exit the house. I walk to the black car waiting and refuse to turn around to see Harry's reaction. He doesn't follow me and I feel the guilt setting in. I try to ignore it as Alberto places my suitcases in the trunk and I climb into the car. I wait until the door shuts, shielding me in the car by tinted windows, before looking back towards the flat and seeing Harry standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes. I press the guilt away as I stare straight forward. I ignore Alberto's worried glances and set my face, clenching my jaw.

Stone-hard. No emotion.

Alberto glances back at me again before asking if I'm ready to go. I give him a curt nod and he sighs as he starts driving the car down the street.

_Good job, you did great._

-

"You fucking idiot!" I scream at myself as I chuck my shirts around the room. I started to unpack, but it's ended with angry tears and handfuls of hair. I sink to the floor as I rest my head in my heads, trying to slow down my breathing patterns. I bite my lip to try and stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks and I angrily wipe at them. I need food and new clothes. The movers aren't coming until later, so I have a few hours and I honestly just need to get out of this flat. I text Alberto, because even though I am angry, I'm not stupid.

_you have to buy new clothes so you don't look like such a gay boy_

I try to ignore the voice in my head as I head to wait on the couch. I whip out my phone and scroll through twitter until I get a text from Alberto that he is waiting outside. I get into the back of the car and he tries to make small talk with me, but I ignore him. He eventually sighs and leaves me alone. We get to the shopping center and I pull my hood up, even though I know it won't disguise me that well. Alberto lets me walk in front of him and he just follows behind me, without getting too close.

I enter into a shop and start picking out everything I see that is black. I get another leather jacket and some black tank tops as well as some more black jeans. I go to check out and thankfully, Alberto has kept all the fans away from me, sensing I do not want to meet them at the moment. I pay for my stuff and then walk out the door to the car.

_You don't need to eat food anyways. It will just make you even fatter._

I get in, Alberto helping me with some bags and he gets in. We get back to my new flat and I go inside, not bothering to thank him for his help as he drives away, concern clear on his face. I take the bags up to my room and go into the closet. I throw all of my old clothes into the corner of the space and hang up the new items. I smile at the change and back out of the closet. I grab my phone and take off the phone case, gripping the blade in my hand. I replace the case and throw my phone onto the bed. I grip the hem of Harry's jumper and slip it over my head, throwing it next to my phone. I smile at the familiar metal piece. I am about to make the first cut when my phone starts to ring. I try to ignore it, but it keeps going off so I growl as I step over to my bed, grabbing my phone.

I check the Caller ID and see it is Liam. The rest of the boys have no idea what's happened and I feel a bit sorry for them when they are about to come face-to-face with the new Louis. I roll my eyes as I slide the answer button over, pressing it to my ear. "What," I grunt and Liam sighs. "Hello to you too, sunshine," he says and I almost growl. He is interrupting precious time that I could be slicing my skin open. "Management told me to tell you that we have a writing session at the studio tomorrow," Liam says and I roll my eyes. "Alright, whatever," I grumble and I can almost feel Liam's disapproving glare.

"A car will be there at noon to pick you up. Can you tell Harry for me too please?" He asks. "No," I reply and Liam sighs again. "Why not?" He questions and I shake my head. "He's not my responsibility. Nobody is," I spit out rudely and then hang up the phone, turning it completely off before throwing it back down onto my bed. I eagerly press the blade back to my skin, this time pressing down deeply and dragging it across before I get interrupted again. I watch as the blood beads up and collects itself before dripping down from each cut. I make another slice and smile at the pain.

_Keep going. Keep going._

My brain chants for me and I give in. No one is here to stop me. Harry isn't here to stop me. I make seven more cuts before watching the blood drip down my stomach again. I put the blade back in its drawer and go into my new bathroom, cleaning up the cuts. I apply pressure to them in order to stop the bleeding and then I go back out to my room. I turn on my phone and wince at all the new notifications. My phone starts vibrating and I see Liam is calling again. I ignore the call and throw my phone back onto my bed. I opt to stay shirtless, not wanting the reminder of Harry from his jumper to be over me.

I go downstairs and give myself a tour of my new house. I hate it. I hate this whole thing, yet I have absolutely no choice over the matter. I sink into the new couch and turn on the TV. I scan through the channels, landing on some shitty movie and I try not to let my mind drift anywhere. I sigh as I lay down and close my eyes.

\--

I wake up with an aching back. I groan as the sight of my stomach comes into view. I run my finger over the raised cuts and wince. The pain is welcomed of course, but it still is pain. I try to see a clock that has the time and sigh when I realize I have slept until the next day. I remember Liam calling me yesterday about the writing session and I try to sit up.

I head upstairs, still getting used to the new house and I go into my bathroom to take a quick shower and get ready, since I know the car will be here to pick me up soon. I quickly get done in the shower and go into my closet, seeing all the new clothes. I pick out my black shirt with a pair of black skinny jeans and my leather jacket to go on top. I slip them on along with my pair of black Vans and then go into the bathroom to style up my hair.

I grab everything I need before heading downstairs and looking outside the window to see the car is here, already having gone through the gated security. I open up the front door and lock it behind me before making my way down the pathway and towards the black car. I can see the silhouette of the other boys and I try to not wince at how I know they will react.

I open the door and slide in to be met with the stares of four other boys. "Take a picture it will last longer," I spit out and scoot as far away from them as possible. I see Liam open his mouth to say something, but he shuts it, thankfully. Harry's eyes meet mine and he quickly turns away. I ignore the sting in my heart and instead put on a smirk as I lean back.

I pull out my earphones and plug them into my phone before sticking one into each ear. I play some music and try to block out the stares that I know are still there. We arrive at the studio and I can see a few fans already crowding outside. I don't know how they find us, but right now, I really don't want to deal with them.

We are ushered out of the car and the other boys start to stop to take pictures. I shove my way past, keeping my head down as I push through the doors of the studio. I check in with the front desk to make sure I go to the right studio before I weave through different hallways and search for the correct door. I find it and open it up, stepping into the room before choosing to sit in the lonely chair as far away from the other seats as possible. I take out my phone to scroll through Twitter, seeing people tweeting out our location already and I sigh. That means more people will be here by the time we get out.

I hear the door open and refuse to glance up at the other boys walking in. "Okay, what the fuck was that, Louis?" Zayn asks. "What the fuck was what?" I mutter, trying to sound bored. "I don't know what's going on Lou, but I'm worried. It's not anything good," Liam says, worriedly. "Of course you don't know what's going on, because you don't care," I spit out and Liam scrunches his eyebrows together. "Of course we care! What are you talking about?" Niall asks and I shake my head.

_They're feeding you lies. We have to ignore their lies, Louis. Ignore them._

I glare at Niall and he just stares back at me, hurt flooding into his eyes. I push down the guilt and eventually he just shakes his head as he joins a confused Liam and Zayn on the couch. Harry moves to sit on the chair across from mine and he tries to avoid eye contact with me. Not that I care. It just makes it more obvious how much he hates me.

_He can't even look at something as disgusting as you._

I pull my phone back out and ignore the rest of what the boys are talking about. They're just spewing out shit ideas for songs and I don't care. I don't.

"-ouis! Louis! Are you even listening?" Liam asks and I look up from my phone. "What?" I ask, because I know exactly how to push his buttons. He sighs as he pinches the bridge of his nose and I smirk, knowing I got him. I stand up and start walking towards the door. "Where are you going now?" Zayn asks, sounding exasperated. "I have to piss," I say without turning around as I exit the room. I hear hushed whispers as I leave and I try to not think about it as I walk down the hallways.

I get to the bathroom and quickly go inside, locking myself in a stall. I lean against the wall as I feel tears start to reach my eyes and I slide down the wall, taking off my jacket. I set it on the floor next to me and hold my scarred arm across my knees, staring at the white lines. I reach my other hand up and lay my nails onto my wrist, pressing them into the skin. I press harder and deeper until I feel the skin cave in around my nails.

I pull my hand away to see the purple, moon-shaped marks left on my skin. I close my eyes as I take a deep breath. The marks will turn red in a little bit and then disappear completely by the time I go to bed tonight. It's the most I can do without my blade at the moment and it's satisfying enough. I stand up and slip my jacket on as I hurry out of the bathroom.

_What's your hurry? They probably like it better without you there._

I sigh as I slow down my walk, believing the haunting voice in my head.

_They probably don't even care that you're missing._

I open the door to the studio and all eyes immediately train onto me. I roll my eyes as Liam stands up, the rest of the boys following. "We are leaving early today. Nobody has any ideas," he says and I try not to sigh in relief. I shrug and they all shuffle out as I move over to the side. "You coming? We all rode in the same car, remember?" Niall asks cautiously and I shake my head. "I'll call Alberto," I mutter and Niall looks like he is about to say something else but he shakes his head and follows the rest of the boys.

Once I'm sure they've left, I make sure the door is closed before going into the recording area where a piano is sitting. I sit down in the seat and let the small smile cover my face as I run my fingers gently over the keys. I take a deep breath before adjusting my fingers and then I start to play. The familiar tune of How to Save a Life by The Fray floods the room and I close my eyes, letting my fingers play the easy keys. I've played this song so many times that it just comes naturally to me, yet it is still my favorite song.

I start to quietly sing the words along to the tune and I finish up the song, keeping my fingers resting on the keys and my eyes closed. I take a deep breath before opening my eyes, half expecting someone to be watching me. I am met with an empty room and I try to not sigh in relief. I stand up and make a quick phone call to Alberto, hanging out in the studio a little while longer until I get the text from Al that his car is here.

I text him that I'm heading out and weave my way through the hallways. Tons of fans are still crowding outside and I try to not wince at the screams. I'm guessing they saw that only the four boys went outside and were waiting for me. I look through the windows from the lobby and see Alberto standing at the car door. I try to telepathically tell him to come get me so I don't have to deal with fans, but apparently he cannot hear me communicating to his mind.

I take a deep breath and push open the doors, immediately being swarmed by cameras and screams. I try to make eye contact with Alberto and he sees my pleading eyes, quickly pushing through the crowd and reaching me. "Alright, let's go," he whispers and I let him lead me through the swarm. I shut my eyes closed for a minute, trying not to snap at anyone and Alberto can sense my tense shoulders because he pushes everyone back until he opens the car door and I am safely inside.

He climbs in on the other side and the driver sets off slowly, not wanting to run over any fans. I take deep breaths with my eyes closed as I try to slow my racing heartbeat. Alberto glances at me with concern and so far, he's the only person I don't want to snap at rudely. He protects me and I'm going to need him in the future most likely, therefore he is my friend. My only friend that I let care for me.

The only one.

-

Harry curls into himself while the car drives along. The other boys stare at him in concern, but he just tries to block them out. "Harry?" Niall asks softly and Harry curls up more. "H, come on, what's going on?" He asks and Harry knows that the other boys have their full attention on the two boys.

Harry blinks back tears and takes in a shaky breath. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. 'M just a bit tired is all," Harry mutters and Niall raises an eyebrow, but doesn't push the subject further. Niall turned to the others and changed the subject to talk about the new Louis attitude.

They talk about what a dick he is being and Harry tries not to groan. Louis is just trying to adjust to everything and it's not his fault. "Guys, he just needs some space. Please just leave him alone for now. I'm sure it's nothing important," Harry tries to defend Louis and the boys turn to him in surprise as he sits up.

"Harry, something happened today and we don't know what. You can't sit here and take it like that, especially when he didn't even so much as look at you-" Liam pauses as his eyes widen. "D-Did something happen between you two?" He asks, realization dawning on him. "No, no, nothing happened," Harry mutters and the boys narrow their eyes.

"Then why aren't you two living together anymore?" Zayn asks and Harry shakes his head. "He was forced to move out by management. They had a deal that if Louis broke up with Eleanor, then he would have to move out of our flat to avoid rumors. He's just adjusting, so we have to give him some space. Please don't worry so much about it," Harry mutters and the other boys frown.

"Are they even legally allowed to do that?" Liam asks and Harry shrugs. "Apparently," Harry frowns and the driver stops the car, informing them they are at Zayn's flat. "Hey H, listen. Lou will come back to you. You two can't stay apart for more than two minutes, yeah? And don't even tell me that this isn't affecting you, because I can see that you are about to break down right now. It'll all be fine," Zayn tells Harry as he gives him a hug before exiting the car.

The car starts driving down the road again and Niall pulls Harry to his chest. "How about you come on over to my flat, yeah?" Niall suggests and Harry nods. Niall informs the driver not to stop by Harry's and then they drop Liam off before heading in the direction of Niall's place.

The two boys get out of the car, thanking the driver, before making their way up to the door and strolling in. Niall offers Harry a drink and then retrieves a water due request. The two boys plop on the couch and Harry takes a sip of water as Niall studies him.

"Okay, spill. What actually went on between you and Louis?" Niall asks and Harry takes a deep breath. "I-I-nothing. That's kind of the problem," Harry mutters as he gives a choked up chuckle. "H?" Niall asks softly and Harry swallows his tears. "I'm gay," is what is blurted out and Niall nods. "Yeah and?" He asks and Harry turns to him.

"That doesn't bother you?" Harry asks and Niall rolls his eyes. "Of course it doesn't. I love you, H. Every part of you. This doesn't change anything," Niall says and Harry just stares at him with grateful eyes. He doesn't even know why he's so scared to tell the boys in the first place, because he knows the boys love him for who he is.

"I also might just have a little tiny crush on Louis," Harry mutters next and Niall wraps an arm around him. "For how long?" He asks and Harry sighs. "Since X-Factor I guess. I mean, you know how we got on so well and stuff and then we moved in and he's my best friend and I just, I don't know, it's just been there since the beginning," Harry tries to explain and Niall nods.

"This sounds like more than a little tiny crush to me," he says and Harry cracks a small smile. "That's because it is. But it doesn't matter, because Louis is straight and he doesn't like me anyways," Harry shrugs and Niall sighs.

"Well, we can either confess our feelings to the boy on his man-period, or we can have a pizza movie night," Niall says and Harry's face breaks out into a wide smile. This is why he loves Niall. The boy won't make a big deal out of it and just move on as if nothing happened.

"I say pizza and a movie," Harry says, still smiling and Niall grins, grabbing the phone.

"Pepperoni and Love Actually it is."

-Louis-

I take in a shaky breath and drag the blade across my stomach again. I push the tears out of my eyes as I internally scream at myself. I can't even try to ignore them. It kills me inside, yet I can't make myself stop. It's only the morning and I'm already done with the day.

There you go!

My mind cheers me on and I shake my head. I keep dragging it across my stomach, ruining the skin. I squeeze my eyes shut as my head starts to spin.

Just a few more. That's it!

I drag the blade along my skin a few more times before it falls out of my hand and clatters to the floor. I stare at it as my head lolls to the side and I can feel my body swaying, even though I am sitting on the floor. I let my eyes wander over the new marks I've made on my stomach and thighs.

My eyes droop lower and I shake my spinning head before reaching my arm out and use the wall to pull my body up. I stumble forward and my body hits the sink. I collapse on the toilet seat and let out a breath. I grab a piece of toilet paper and press it to the cuts on my thigh. I press harder and the blood eventually stops so I move to my stomach. Once all the blood is taken care of, I throw the bloodied toilet paper away. I lean over and grip the blade in my hand before attempting to stand up.

I fall forward against the wall and immediately reach my arms out to hold myself stable. I take a few deep breaths and take small, shaky steps towards my bedroom. I place the blade in its drawer and then collapse on top of the bed. I grip the blankets and pull them over my body before closing my eyes, not caring if I wake up or not.

\--

I open my eyes to the sound of my phone ringing. I blindly reach over and grip it in my hand. I see it is Niall, so I slide the answer button across the screen and hold my phone to my ear.

"What?" I grunt and I can almost hear Niall's smile. "Well good afternoon to you too, sunshine," he says, way too cheerily for anyone to handle. "What do you want?" I groan and he chuckles. "Liam told me to remind you that we have a meeting today about the tour, so make sure you're not late," he says and I roll my eyes.

"Whatever, fine," I mumble and he laughs through the speaker. "It starts in an hour, sunshine!" He says and then hangs up before I can yell at him. I throw my phone next to me and sigh, running my hands over my face. I stare up at the blank ceiling and close my eyes again to try and rid the pain in my throbbing head.

Look, you didn't die in your sleep, how convenient.

I shake my head and slowly stand up off the bed. I trudge over to the bathroom and immediately open up the medicine cabinet. I grab the bottle of Advil and swallow two pills dry. I sigh as I strip off my boxers and step into the shower.

I reach over and twist the knob, creating the stream of cold water. I wince as they hit my cuts and try to ignore the sting. I reach for the shampoo and scrub it into my scalp. I let my head rest back as the water runs over my head and rinses the soap down the drain.

I stand there under the stream of water and feel myself starting to fall asleep again. I lean against the wall of the shower and close my eyes. My body starts to relax and I let out a sigh of content before I shake my head and grab the body wash. I can't be late.

I quickly rinse my body and turn the water off. I step out of the shower and wrap the towel around my body, just standing in the bathroom and staring at the floor for a few moments.

I hang the towel back up and walk back into my room to pick out some clothes. I grip my boxers and carefully pull them up my thighs, being cautious of the cuts there. I slip my shirt over my head and run my hands through my wet hair. I grab my jeans and slide my legs in before pulling them up to my stomach and buttoning them up.

My black jacket sits on the chair and I grip it before slipping it onto my body. I grab my phone and earphones, slipping them into my pocket. I grip my keys in my hand and make sure I have everything before walking downstairs and outside towards my car.

I check the time once I'm sitting in the driver's seat and I realize that I'm already late and it's still going to take me ten more minutes to get there. I quickly start the drive towards the building and manage to hit every single red light on the way.

I park close to the entrance and quickly walk in. I sign in with the receptionist and she tells me the meeting room number. I let myself head towards the lift and click the correct floor number. I tap my foot against the carpet and close my eyes.

The doors open and I get out to walk down the hallway to the correct door. I grip the handle before taking a deep breath and opening it. The talking inside immediately dies down as everyone's eyes drift to me.

"And he has finally arrived!" Richard Griffiths says and I roll my eyes as I make my move to sit in the last seat available.

Right next to Harry.

I sink into the seat and ignore the pain in my heart as Harry stares at the table, not even looking up at me. I set my face back as my jaw clenches and I stare at the table in front of me to ignore the stares from everyone.

"Well, let's begin this meeting, finally," Richard directs the last part to me and I let out a huff. I feel Liam glaring at me, so I ignore him. "So, for the tour coming up," Richard starts off and my eyes drift to Harry's hands resting on the table in front of him.

I study his long fingers and where they connect to his palms. His hands grip themselves and I notice how big they are. His hands open up and he starts running his long, pointer finger over his palm. I let out a breath and see his eyes drift towards me.

I quickly move my eyes to the table in front of me as I grip my thighs under my own hands. I see him staring at my face as he studies me. I bite my cheek to resist the urge to snap at him. I take deep breaths through my nose, ignoring the voice in my head to yell at him. I squeeze my eyes shut and block out the noises around me.

I feel a hand on my arm and my eyes immediately snap open. I make eye contact with Harry as his hand rests on my arm and I scoot my chair back loudly. "I-I need to go to the toilets," I mutter out and see Harry's face fall. I quickly exit the room and walk down the hallway.

I sink against the wall and rest my head in my hands. I can't handle him. I can't keep myself from doing anything. I can't like him. He just makes it so hard not to and I can't do it. I can't be here. I can't. 

A door opens and I quickly push myself off the wall and pretend I'm walking back to the meeting door. A man walks by me and I ignore him as I stand in front of the meeting door. I grip the doorknob and open it slowly.

I take my seat again and notice how Harry is once again ignoring me. I focus on his tattoos this time and trace the anchor with my eyes. I look down at my rope and shake my head, already knowing it's stupid.

"Louis!" I hear my name being called and I snap back to the meeting. I grunt in response as my eyes reach Richards and he sighs. "Do you have anything to add?" He asks and I shake my head. "Of course not," he mutters and I bite my cheek again. "Alright, you all are free to go, but make sure you go out right now so we can have the fans see a few pictures of you all hanging out together. They miss that and we need to give them it before they start thinking the band is falling apart," Richard adds.

I stand up and walk out, the rest of the boys follow me. We all get into the lift, me as far from them as possible. "We're going to that sandwich place next to that one Tesco's," Liam says and I grunt out an 'okay' before the doors open and I quickly exit and walk towards my car.

I get in my car and let out a shaky breath before running my hands over my face. I look around before backing out of the parking spot and driving to the correct place. I park my car and grab my sunglasses, slipping them on.

I walk in and sit at an empty table as I wait for the other boys. They all walk in laughing and I avert my gaze to the table.

Look how much happier they are without you

Liam spots me and points me out to the others. Niall waves and I ignore him as I look at Harry. I find him already staring at me and we immediately both look away once we meet eyes.

They all go up to order and I stare at the table, playing with my fingers. Soon, Zayn and Niall are sliding into the booth seat across from me and Liam pulls up a chair to sit down on the end of the table. Harry stands there awkwardly and I look down to the table, scooting closer to the wall.

Look, you're so disgusting Harry doesn't even want to sit next to you.

I watch him out of the corner of my eye as I play with my jacket sleeve. He slowly slides into the booth and I scoot farther away from him until my arm presses against the wall.

At least you're doing him a favor, getting your gayness far away from someone as perfect as him. No wonder he doesn't like you, you are too fucked up.

Niall gives Harry a concerned look and I see Harry shake his head. I close my eyes for a moment before opening them back up. The boys are all talking to each other so I pull out my phone to scroll through Twitter. I don't bother trying to Tweet anything, knowing it will probably just be deleted, because it doesn't follow the rules.

I can feel eyes on my and already know they're Harry's. I watch him out of the corner of my eye and he stares at the side of my face. His eyes glance over my face, following down my arms to my hands and then they rest on my thumbs scrolling through my phone.

I blink my eyes quickly and sigh, resting my phone on the table in front of me. the boys' food arrives and they all glance at my empty place. "Did you order anything?" Zayn asks and I shake my head. "I'm not hungry," I mutter and they all turn back to their sandwiches, continuing their conversations.

Harry's eyes stay on me and I let out a breath. "Can you stop staring at me?" I burst and the other boys stop talking as they turn to us, Harry's eyes widening. "Look, I know I'm ugly, but you don't need to keep looking at it to remind me," I say as I push Harry out of the booth and stand up.

I ignore the stares from them all as I push my way out of the restaurant and quickly climb into my car. I shut the doors and lock them, not wasting any time that the boys might come out after me. I pull out into the street and quickly driving to the best place I can go right now.

My car pulls into a space and I get out, walking straight into the bar. Not many people are here since it's only six at night, which is good so I don't have to deal with any fans.

I go straight up to the bar and take a seat, immediately ordering two shots, not caring about anything except the shit in the small glasses.

-

Harry runs his hands over his face as he takes in a deep breath. He can feel the eyes of the rest of the boys and he doesn't want to look up at them. He doesn't want to have to be the one to explain because honestly, he doesn't even know what happened himself.

_"I know I'm ugly."_

The only words that keep flooding into Harry's mind and he doesn't get it. How does Louis think of himself as anything less than perfect? Harry knows Louis gets insecure over his voice and he started working out a little more to get rid of his stomach, but Harry didn't realize that his insecurities affected him like this.

"Harry? What's going on?" Liam asks with a cautious voice and Harry shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. "I-I don't know," Harry exhales loudly and he can feel a familiar sting behind his eyes.

"He just bursted out? I mean, he just went off and then he didn't even bother to tell you to get up, he just shoved you out of the booth," Niall says, sounding confused and Harry nods.

"I think I'm going to head out. I need something to clear my head," Harry mutters softly and the boys give him a sad look. Harry brushes it off and pretends he can't hear the whispers behind him as he walks away.

He makes it to his car and slides in, just sitting at the wheel as he inhales and exhales air through his opened mouth. Something happened to Louis and Harry is going to figure it out. He starts the car and pulls onto the street, heading towards the unfamiliar address.

Harry goes through the gate, the guard letting him through because of the clearance management gave him, just in case. He quickly goes towards the door to find it locked. He knows Louis would never use his garage and he doesn't see his car anywhere. Harry sighs, knowing Louis' not here and he tries to rack his mind to see if Louis would leave a spare key anywhere.

He checks under the welcome mat and in the plant next to the door, but he doesn't find anything and he groans aloud. Harry sinks down against the front door and rests his head back. He can see that it is getting dark outside and he knows that it will be night soon. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

He'll just wait until Louis arrives, then.

\--

Louis is fucking drunk and he loves every second of it.

My body is buzzing and I can't seem to sit still in the seat of the booth I am in by myself. The club has finally filled up and I'm glad for the distraction. I close my eyes, but reopen them when I hear shuffling close to me.

"Is this seat taken?" The boy asks and I glance over him quickly as I shake my head. He sits down and holds his hand out. I stare at it before grabbing it with a firm hand. "I'm Jake," he says and I open my mouth to respond. "I'm-" I'm cut off by the new boy. "-Louis Tomlinson, I know," he says and I remove my hand from his to rest it back under the table. "Um, yeah," I mumble awkwardly and he laughs nervously.

"God, that was stupid I'm sorry. I just meant that you're kind of famous so I know who you are, but that's not why I wanted to talk to you. I actually think you're pretty cute and I don't know you personally but I know you're great. And I'm just rambling now aren't I?" He asks as a blush floods his cheeks and I smile, resisting the urge to deny the compliment.

A waitress makes her way over and drops off two drinks. I raise my eyebrows skeptically at Jake and he shrugs sheepishly. "You looked lonely, so..." he trails off and I offer him another smile. "No, no, it's okay," I say and he visibly relaxes as I close my hand around the handle of the beer.

I know this is such a bad idea and me drinking this beer is not going to help, but I'm already drunk and my mind is more of an enemy than everyone else, so I don't really have anything to lose here.

I bring the cup to my lips and glance over the rim to see Jake studying me. I tip my head back and take a giant gulp, ignoring the burn it sends down my throat. He clears his throat and I glance up at him from where my eyes fell to my cup resting on the table.

"So, tell me a bit about Louis Tomlinson?" Jake asks as he folds his hands on the table and all the senses in me are telling me to stop. To get up and run as far from here as possible. Somehow, my feet aren't willing to listen and my arse is still glued to the seat as I start to tell a complete stranger about going on tour and stories of Stan and I when we were little.

Time passes and I don't know how much of it, but I know that I'm now on the dance floor with my back pressed against Jake's and I can feel the sweat slipping through both of us. I'm a bit too drunk to care that people are filming now, because management can just make something up or tweet something homophobic off my account and it will all be cleared.

"Let's take this someplace else?" Jake suggests and somehow I've grown accustomed to him in such a short time. It may be the alcohol, but it scares me as I slowly shake my head and gulp down some spit, sobering up a bit.

I've never gone this far. I haven't even kissed a guy before. I don't even know if I'm gay, or just Harry-sexual, but somehow, I have a gut feeling that if I was completely straight I would not have spent so much time with Jake.

"My place isn't far from here, and I walked, so I hope that's okay?" He says and my mind whirls, feeling the alcohol drift away and right now, I want it back in my system. I nod and he smiles as we split to put a bit of distance between us, me knowing that people are still there and could be filming at any time.

We exit out the back of the bar and I'm glad no paparazzi have found me yet, considering I haven't taken Alberto with me this time around. I follow Jake down the sidewalk, the fresh air clearing up any alcohol left in my system as my fear has diminished all the rest.

_A/N: extremely triggering so you can just skip to the next bolded part and that's where the scene ends if it's too much for you_

We walk quietly down the sidewalk and he nudges our hands together and I blush. He quickly grabs my hand in his and tugs me around a corner to an alleyway. I gasp as he places a hand over my mouth and I try to squirm out of his grasp. I bite his finger and he quickly removes it from my mouth. "Help!" I immediately scream and Jake presses his hand to my mouth again as I see another man making his way over to me.

"Oh, Jakey, you got me a real prize here," the man says and I squirm underneath their gazes. "Let me go," I try to make out around Jake's hand and he laughs. "Nah, you've made me a pretty penny," Jake says and I wince as his knee comes up to connect with my stomach. I can feel blood seeping out of one cut from the rough contact and tears flood my eyes.

"Please, I'll give you whatever you want! I have money, lots of it! I'll pay you whatever you need, just please, let me go," I'm pleading by now and the two men just laugh.

"But where's the fun in that?" Jake asks and I wince as the other man pulls out a piece of cloth from his pocket. "You talk too much," is all the man grunts before wrapping the cloth around my mouth and tying it around my head. I choke back a sob and urge my body not to give in.

Jake nods at the man who slips thirty pounds into Jake's pocket. I turn my head to face away, but the man grips it back and forces me to stare into his lifeless eyes. Jake gives me a wave as he walks away, laughing as he shuffles the money in his hand and my vision blurs over with tears.

The man reaches for my jacket and slips it off. I whimper behind the cloth as my mind drifts to a certain person that I do not want to be thinking about right now. He reaches for my shirt and I try to push him away, but he has me pinned against the wall and I can't move. His hands drift underneath the shirt, brushing roughly over cuts and I freeze as he lifts it over my head. His eyes rake over my body and stop on the cuts on my stomach. His mouth turns to a grin and he starts laughing. "Oh my god, this is too good. The world-famous Louis Tomlinson is a depressed piece of shit. Is it because you're a fag? You love having your pretty mouth around cocks? Is that it?" He digs his fingers into the cuts and I wince in pain, letting a whimper fall from my lips.

I let my mind drift to the one person that promised to keep me safe. He was supposed to protect me and now he's not here. "Harry," I whimper as the name falls from my lips and the guy grunts. "Shut up," he grumbles as he tugs on his belt. My eyes well up as I realize this is actually happening.

He opens his jeans and pulls his boxers down to reveal his cock. I whimper and shut my eyes, feeling the tears welling up behind my eyelids. I shut out him tugging my own jeans down and I wince as I feel the pressure of him against my thigh. "Help, please," I try to yell around the cloth on my mouth, but it doesn't work.

He grips my hair and yanks my head backwards, knocking it against the wall. I let out a choked sob and he smirks before attaching his lips to my neck, leaving harsh bruises. I feel him grip my arse in his hands and he squeezes it in his hands.

"I'm not completely hard yet, why don't you put that pretty mouth to use," he whispers lowly and I squeeze my eyes shut as he pushes me to my knees. He reaches down and unties the cloth, removing it from my mouth. "Someone please! Help!" I scream immediately and he uses that opportunity to slip his dick in my mouth. "And don't even think about biting, or there  _will_ be consequences," he mutters lowly and I gulp as I move my mouth back. He presses his cock to my mouth until it slips past my lips. He grips my hair and pushes my head forward further. I feel myself gag, but he keeps pushing my head back and forth.

I wince at he pulls away and he yanks me back to my feet. "Good faggot boy," he whispers into my ear and I shiver as he replaces the cloth around my mouth. He grips his cock in his hands and I feel it press against my entrance.

He pushes in and I let the tears fall down my face at the pain as I whimper around the cloth. He forces himself deeper and reaches down to grip my cock in his hand. He moves it roughly up and down, leaving bruises at the base. I can feel the blood still coming out of the cuts he abused earlier and I let my head spin with the loss of blood.

He pushes in and out of me and the pain is almost unbearable. I feel my mind start to drift and I know I'm going to pass out soon. He comes inside of me and releases my body, causing me to fall to the ground. My body curls into a ball as the pain flows through me. Tears fall rapidly down my face at the pain and the last thing I hear is the man's cackling as he walks away.

\--

_It's okay to read now_

_\--_

_"I think he's waking up."_

_"Is anyone going to cover him up?"_

_"Put some bloody clothes on him!"_

_"Do you want him to be more embarrassed than he already is?"_

_"Everyone shut the fuck up! We need to get him back to the hospital before he wakes up, otherwise he's going to be in extreme pain."_

The voices flood around me and I sense the pain that throbs throughout my body. I can't open my eyes and then a shot of pain shoots through my body and I'm out again.

-

My eyes flutter open and I groan as the white ceiling blinds me. My eyes adjust and I turn my head slightly to see myself in a hospital room. The pain in my lower regions course through my body and I screw my eyes shut, wincing.

"Ah, Mr. Tomlinson, it's good to see you awake," a nurse's voice floods through the room and I don't bother to acknowledge anything she said due to my unbearable pain. "And in a lot of pain. Don't you have medication for that or something?" I spit with my eyes still shut. I crack one eye open to see her nodding and moving around to put something into the IV drip attached to my arm.

"I've added in painkillers to your IV stream. It should kick in around 10 minutes or so," she informs me and I nod. "I'll go get the doctor. He wants to talk to you," She says before scurrying out the door and I stare blankly at the ceiling again.

The doctor comes in with a smile on his face and I frown. Why does he get to be so happy? Why can't I have something good in my life? "So Louis, how are you feeling?" He asks, clipboard and pen in hand. "Fucking dandy," I roll my eyes sarcastically and he sighs. "Mr. Tomlinson, it's in our best interest to help you, but you are going to need to let us," he says and I swallow my tears, staring at the ceiling. "Someone found you in the alley and called the ambulance which brought you here," the doctor says again and I blink my eyes. Why would someone even care?

"They should have just left me to die," I mutter before closing my eyes and ignoring whatever the doctor is telling me and trying to pretend I'm asleep.

_-_

Harry furrows his eyebrows as he picks up his phone. Louis is still not back yet and it's already gotten dark. Harry goes to his contacts and clicks on Alberto's, wondering if he might know where Louis is. He would suppose that he is with Louis, but seeing the way Louis stormed off earlier, it's not likely Al knows.

He clicks on it and brings the phone up to his ear. "Hello?" A voice rings over the speaker and Harry sighs. "Hey Al, it's Harry, I just-do you know where Louis is?" He asks, suddenly nervous for the answer. "No, he hasn't called me or texted me, why? What's up?" He asks and Harry lets out a breath. "Shit, he hasn't come home yet and he stormed out of the cafe we were eating at and I don't know where he went. I'm worried, Al," He bites his bottom lip and hears a sigh on the other end of the phone.

"Alright, you at his new house?" Al asks and Harry gives a hum of agreement. "Stay there and I'll come over and we can talk it over, yeah?" He says and Harry thanks him before they hang up. He brings his knees to his chest and leans back against the door.

He sees Alberto's car pull up ten minutes later and stands up as Alberto opens the car door. Alberto gives Harry a once-over and sighs. "You haven't got a key?" He asks and Harry shakes his head. "We didn't exactly leave on...good terms," he mutters and Al nods in understanding.

"Lucky for you, I have the spare," Al says and he opens up the front door, letting them both into the new flat. Harry looks around, seeing the boxes packed everywhere and sigh, knowing Louis hasn't unpacked yet.

Harry goes to the couch as Al heads to the lounge chair and they both sit down. "Harry, give me the full details of what happened at the cafe. I might be able to get some clues as to where Louis went," Al says to break the silence and Harry takes a deep breath before recapping the past events. Al stays silent with his eyebrows furrowed through the whole explanation and then Harry let's out a huff as he finishes.

"Well, I could guess that he's at a bar, but that would mean he's been there all day, making him drunk and I don't think that is a good thing," Al suggests and I put my head in my hands. "Do you think he could be smart enough to get a cab back home?" I ask, not wanting to think of other possibilities.

"I say we stay here for the night and cross our fingers to hope that is the case," Al says as he settles into the chair a bit more. Harry goes to protest, but his body says otherwise as it sinks down into the couch. He lies sideways, not wanting to go upstairs to a room, because he might miss Louis coming home.

They both let out a sigh and then Harry closes his eyes, letting soft breaths escape his mouth.

\--

I slowly wake up to the white blinding light and groan once again when I see the nurse peering down at me. "Do you get any fucking privacy in this place?" I question and the nurse gives me a sad smile. "Mr. Tomlinson, I think the doctor would like to send you home to the privacy of your own bedroom, but you are going to need to speak with him first and try to not ignore him this time?" She suggests and I frown, knowing she's correct. "Alright, send him in," I mutter and she smiles. "He will be with you shortly," she says before walking out of the room.

I lay my head back and close my eyes. My lower body is completely numb due to the medication and I don't know whether or not I want to feel the pain anymore.

"Ah, Mr. Tomlinson, are you ready to talk now?" The doctor asks and I sigh with a slight nod. "Can you call me Louis though? Everyone in this damn hospital is calling me Mr. Tomlinson and it's making me feel old," I mutter and the doctor chuckles.

"Alright,  _Louis_ -" he says with effect and I give a small smile. "-You are going to be in major pain once the medicine wears off, which is why I have already given you a prescription upon sign out. You will need to take a pill three times a day with every meal for at least two weeks in order to keep the pain to a minimum. I would suggest therapy as well, there are a few I would be able recommend you to. They are well trustworthy and have worked with other people with the same style of job as you and I would be more than happy to-"

"No therapy," I cut him off quickly and he goes to protest but I shake my head. "I'm not going to therapy," I say and he glances down to where my arms are resting on the blankets and it's then that I realize my stomach is bandaged up. He saw everything.

"I-I can't go there. I'm not going there. I'm fine by myself," I say and he frowns, but nods. "I cannot force you, but I do hope you take it into consideration," he says and I frown, moving my eyes to the white sheet in front of me.

"We found your phone in your pocket and it's on the table next to you. You can call someone if you would like for them to come pick you up and sign you out. I would also suggest having someone stay with you for a few days until you are a little more healed, but other than that, you are free to go," the doctor says and I reach my hand over to my phone.

"No one has been notified of anything as of now, as I didn't think you would want this information to be spread around on the internet and we couldn't risk eavesdropping or someone leaking computer information, so it is up to you to inform who you would like," the doctor continues and I look up at him with grateful eyes.

"Thank you," I mutter softly as I press the power button on my phone. He nods, telling me that a nurse will come to stay with me until someone comes to sign me out. I nod and then he disappears out of the room. I glance over my notifications and hold my breath as I see repeated missed calls and texts from both Alberto and Harry.

It's about five in the afternoon and it's been more than a full day since what happened, so I would assume that Alberto might be worried about me, but Harry? How would he even know I was missing. I shakily open up my messages and click on Al's first. All of them are asking me where I am and I ignore them, opting to open up Harry's messages.

_Louis? I've been sitting outside you house forever...where are you?_

_Alberto is here and he let me in. We are waiting for you to come home, but you haven't yet. Where are you?_

_Lou?_

_Please Louis just answer me_

_Al and I are worried_

_Louis I know you're mad at me, but please just let me know if you're okay_

_Lou please_

My eyes start to water as I read through the rest of them, all asking where I am and telling me to answer him. I quickly exit out of the messages and call Alberto, wanting him to come pick me up.

The phone is ringing just as the door to my room opens and a nurse walks in. She gives me a soft smile before sitting down off to the side and pretending not to listen. The phone is answered quickly and I can almost imagine Alberto's worried face.

"Louis, where the fuck have you been?" His voice floods through the speaker and I cringe. "I'm in the hospital," I mutter and that was probably not the best way to go about this. "You're where?" He asks loudly and I close my eyes. "In the hospital," I say, softer this time.

"You're in the hospital. Harry! Stop no! I don't think it's a good idea to talk to him ri-Harry stop!" I hear shuffling and suddenly a rasp voice makes it way through the speaker. "Lou? Why are you in the hospital? Are you okay? Please don't be mad at me, I was so worried about you-" I cut him off as I let out a quiet sob and his voice immediately changes. "No, why are you crying? Please, can I come see you?" He asks and I don't want to say yes, but I'm crying and this is too much for me and I'm starting to get flashbacks and all I need is a big hug from him.

"Please hurry," I whisper and hand the phone to the nurse who is looking at me worriedly. I plead for her to talk to the person. "Just tell him where I am," I mutter as I close my eyes and try to wipe at my eyes.

I hear her soft speaking and before I know it, my phone is being handed back to me. I want to curl up into a ball, but I can't move my legs without pain and the medicine is not doing much good. The nurse starts on getting me ready to go and I keep my eyes shut as she unplugs things from me.

The door is opening and I hear the gasp as my eyes shoot open. They start to water as Harry stands there, his hand covering his mouth and I let out a small sob. "Lou, can-can I...?" he trails off and I nod, opening my arms. He walks over and gently holds me, a little bit wary, but I pull him close to my body and breathe in the deep smell of his curls.

I push him away gently, suddenly remembering how dirty I am. So many hands and lips touching me. Parts of the body abused and I whimper as I feel the pain go through my lower body at the slightest movement.

"What happened?" He asks softly and I see the nurse standing there with a sad smile and Alberto standing by the door still. "I-I can't tell you," I mumble and he frowns. He goes to protest, but he glances at my face and bites his lip instead. "Okay," he mumbles and sits back on the bed.

"I brought you some clothes," Alberto mutters and I turn to him with a grateful smile. The nurse clears her throat and I turn to her. "Louis can go change in the bathroom right over there while you two go through the checking out process," she suggests.

I try to move my legs to get off the bed, but shots of pain go through my body and I whimper as tears come to my eyes. Harry's face turns concerned and he reaches out for me on instinct. "Do you need help changing?" He asks softly and I go to agree, but remember the cuts and scars on my body. I shake my head and he looks like he is about to protest. "I'm fine, I promise. You just go with Al to make sure he checks me out properly," I try to assure Harry.

He nods, still unsure, but stands up to go with Alberto down to the front desk. The nurse gives me a sympathetic smile as she helps me stand up and walk me over to the bathroom. She hands me the clothes and I thank her. She asks if I will be alright and I nod, standing in front of the mirror before shutting the door.

I slip off the hospital gown and pull on my shirt. I haven't worn boxers, seeing as mine were kind of ruined and the doctors and nurses needed to...check up on me. I shiver as flashbacks hit me again and I reach for the boxers.

They are a tight pair and I look down at the purplish bruising around my groin and know that that is not going to be a good idea. I grab the sweatpants and try to slip them on, letting whimpers of pain leave my mouth. I manage to pull them on and they give enough space around my groin so it doesn't constrict the area, causing even more pain.

I put the boxers back in the bag Alberto brought and slowly open the door to see a wheelchair sitting in the room with Harry and Alberto standing, talking to the nurse. They all face me as the door opens and the nurse and Harry both walk over to help me move to the wheelchair.

I glance at it as Al takes the bag from me. I shake my head as I look to the nurse. "I-I can't-um-you know," I try to finish the sentence, but I don't want to give too much away to Harry and Alberto about what happened. The nurse seems to understand and her eyes widen. "Right, right, I forgot. I'm so sorry about that, I didn't even thi-alright, we'll just have to help you downstairs, she mutters and I give her a grateful smile.

"Wait, Harry and Louis, I hate to do this to you both, but you should probably put these on," Alberto says, reaching into the front pocket of the bag and pulling out two beanies and two pairs of sunglasses. "Safety purposes," he explains and we nod. "There is my car waiting downstairs, so we can just get in that quickly and hope no one recognizes the two of you," he says and we nod.

Harry helps me put on the beanie so all of my hair is covered and he does the same before we both slip on sunglasses. If news got out that I was in the hospital, it would be chaos. But if news got out that Harry was with me in the hospital, it would be like world war three, so I'm glad Alberto thought ahead.

I wrap my arms around the necks of the nurse and Harry as they both put their arms around my back and help me walk towards the lifts. We go down, Al taking over the nurse's spot halfway through to help carry me and we are able to get to the car. The nurse opens the door and I curse as I sit down in the seat.

I opt to lay down on my side, so no bruised parts are hitting anything and thank the nurse before Harry climbs in and gently lifts up my head to rest it on his lap. Alberto shuts the doors and then climbs into the driver's seat. I see the medication paper in the front cupholder and Alberto seems to read my mind. "We'll pick up your medication first and then take you home," he says and I nod.

Harry reaches under the beanie to slip it off my hair and grabs the sunglasses, placing them both on the floor of the car. He takes off his own and continues to stroke my hair.

I close my eyes in content and try to ignore the pain going through my body whenever we hit a bump in the road. "Can we go back to your flat?" I ask, it taking extreme effort not to say  _our flat_. Harry's face falters a bit, but he nods. "Of course," he says and notifies Alberto of where to go.

Al picks up my medicine from the pharmacy and then drives us towards Harry's flat, helping me inside and laying me on the couch. He places my medication on the coffee table and I thank him, before closing my eyes as Alberto and Harry whisper back and forth.

I hear the door closing and I open my eyes again to see Harry looking at me sadly. I take a deep breath as I stare right back at him. "Would you like some tea?" He asks softly, breaking the silence. I nod and he goes into the kitchen, returning a few moments later with a full teacup. I take it in my hands and enjoy the warmth as I try to sit up a bit to drink it. If I stay in one place, the pain numbs out a bit and it doesn't hurt, so I try to stay still as Harry sits down on the other end of the couch.

"Lou?" He asks softly and I know he wants to ask why I was in the hospital. I feel the hands over my body and the fingers digging into my stomach and I need to take shower to scrub myself clean.

"I can't Haz, not right now, please," I plead with him and he nods, looking back at his hands. I finish the last sip of tea, burning my throat and place it in my lap. "Can I-can I take a shower?" I ask wearily and he nods quickly, reaching over to take the teacup out of my hand and set it on the table.

"Of course," he says as he helps me stand up and leads me upstairs. He helps me into the bathroom and I assure him that I will be fine, so he lets me go as he exits the bathroom, leaving the door unlocked just in case.

I frown as I try to get my clothes off. I carefully slip off my sweats and my shirt drops to the floor next to them. I take a deep breath, pushing the numbed pain to the back of my mind as I step into the shower. I turn the head to the side before turning the knob and letting the spray hit the wall. It warms up and I direct it onto my body carefully. I wince as the water washes over the fresh cuts and I unwrap the bandage from around my stomach.

I set the bandage on the floor outside of the shower and then let my body rest under the stream of water. I reach blindly for the soap as I squeeze a bit onto my hands. I start to scrub across my body, scraping with my fingernails to get the feeling of the hands.

I feel them as they roam across my stomach, digging into my cuts. They reopen the wounds and I can feel the blood rushing down. I glance down, escaping my mind as I see no blood on my stomach and my fingers scrape up and down my arms.

I wince as I feel words being whispered into my hair and I reach my hands up, trying to pull at the roots. Leave me alone. Go away. Help me. I scream silently in my mind as parts of my body are being abused and I sink to the floor of the shower. My body doesn’t even register the pain as I curl my knees up and tears are streaming down my face.

I scrape at my arms harder, my hands moving across my body, my fingernails digging into the skin to get the feeling of his hands off of me. I hear my whimpers reach my mind as my lips let out a chorus of Harry’s.

-

Harry doesn’t realize what is happening until he turns the TV off to make sure he is hearing correctly. He can hear whimpers and he makes out his name. He stands off his bed and moves quickly to the door of the shower. He knocks on it once before listening, still hearing the whimpers coming from behind it.

Harry immediately opens the door and sees the blurry image of Louis curled up in the corner from behind the shower door. He sees bloody bandages discarded on the floor next to Louis’ clothes and he lets out a breath, not prepared for what he is about to see.

He slowly opens the shower door, hearing Louis’ whimpers more clearly now. Calling out Harry’s name and he sees the small body scraping itself with its fingers. “Shh, baby, please. Louis, stop please,” Harry’s voice is choked up and Louis is still scraping at his body with tears running down his face.

Harry steps into the shower, turning off the water and pulling Louis’ hands away. Louis pushes at him, yelling for him to get his hands off, screaming for help. Harry pulls the wet boy to his chest tightly and Louis is still resisting, but Harry whispers into his ear.

He stops struggling soon enough and Harry can feel the tears in his own eyes. “Lou, let’s get you to bed,” Harry whispers softly, trying to ignore the cuts and scars he sees littered across the beautiful body.

Louis stays still and Harry frowns as he picks up the boy in his arms and Louis winces, but stays where he is. Harry leaves Louis naked as he pulls up the blankets, noticing the bruising around the lower areas of Louis’ body. He feels tears prickle his eyes as he turns his head away from the sight. He moves to turn the lights off and he hears Louis’ soft voice call out.

“Stay please?” Louis pleads and Harry hits the lights off before curling underneath the blankets. He faces towards Louis’ face and studies the boy’s frowning features. “Make them go away,” Louis whispers and Harry furrows his eyebrows.

“Make what go away?” Harry asks cautiously and Louis frowns as he clenches his eyes shut. “The voices telling me to do stuff I don’t want to do,” Louis whimpers and Harry carefully wraps his arms around the hurting boy.

 _“I’ve got a heart and I’ve got a soul. Believe me I will use them both,”_  Harry starts to sing and he feels Louis curling up into his chest. His voice falters a bit, but he continues singing and he can feel Louis’ tears falling onto his bare chest.

 _“I have loved you since you were eighteen,”_  Harry sings softly, changing the words a bit. He starts to stroke Louis’ hair and lets a heavy breath fall from his lips as he sees Louis has fallen asleep.

-

**Louis**

-

I open my eyes to see the light shining through the curtains. I feel arms around my body and my mind drifts back to last night. My hands start to shake as I remember that Harry saw me. He saw the cuts, the scars, the bruises. He also probably noticed my ribs looking more prominent than usual due to lack of food. My breathing starts to become uneven.

He’s going to hate you.

I clench my eyes shut again and try to focus on breathing, but my mind won’t let me think.

He’s going to leave you. You have to leave him first.

I try to get out of the bed, but am stopped by the pain in my lower areas and the arms around my body. “Lou, stop, where are you going?” Harry asks, his voice raspy but worried. “I-I need to go,” I mutter out and Harry frowns as he sits up on the bed.

“No, you can stay here for as long as you’d like. There’s no rush and you’re hurt. You need to stay here,” Harry argues and I shake my head. “I need to leave. Now.” I say firmly but Harry just grabs my wrist as he pulls me back onto the bed.

I try to pull my wrist out of his hold, but he wraps his arms around my body and holds me close to his chest. “You’re hurting. Why won’t you let me help you?” Harry asks softly, but I shake my head. “I don’t need help,” I say softly and he tightens his hold around my body.

“What do you want for breakfast?” He asks, changing the subject and I sigh. “I’m not hungry,” I mutter. “I saw your ribs, Lou. You haven’t been eating, have you?” He asks sadly and I look away shamelessly. “You’re beautiful. I don’t understand why you do this to yourself?” He asks as a question and I shake my head, hiding my face. “‘M not beautiful,” I mumble and he tilts my head towards him.

“You are,” he states firmly and I try to wiggle out of his grasp. This time, he lets me and I stand up off the bed, trying not to cry out in pain, but a wince lets itself through my face.

“Stop! Just shut up!” My voice raises and Harry stares at me with wide eyes as my hands go to my hair, pulling at the roots once again. “Why can’t people just leave me alone? I’m fine. I don’t need help. I left all of you for a reason and people don’t understand that I just need to have space!” I don’t realize how loud my voice had gotten until it is completely silent when I finish, save for my ragged breathing as I sink to the floor.

“I gave you space and you ended up in the hospital! You’re obviously not fine and I want to try and help you,” Harry is arguing back now and Louis squeezes his eyes shut as the voices flood his mind.

Do it. Leave him here. Go back home. Cut yourself until you can’t even see the color of your skin anymore. Slice until the red overflows your thighs and drips to the floor.

I rock back and forth on my knees as I claw at my mind, trying to rid the chanting voices. I feel arms around me and hands pulling my arms down and holding them in their tight grip. I scream at the restraints and thrash around in the hold until my body is too exhausted to keep fighting.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Harry whispers softly into my ear and I try to believe him. Listening to his voice and trying to repeat that in my mind instead of the mantra of suicidal thoughts.

“I can’t-” I choke and he rubs my back as he holds my arms in one hand. “I know,” he whispers and we stay there on the ground until he tries to help me up. “I think a nice cuppa is in due request and then we are going to talk, okay?” he says and the only thing I can do is nod as he helps me downstairs.

He sets me down on the couch carefully and I lay so the pain isn’t too prominent. Harry returns a few minutes later with a cup of hot tea and a single pill from my medication bottle. “Here,” he says softly as he places the two items into my hands.

He disappears before returning once again, this time holding two plates and another cuppa. “I cut up some fruit for breakfast. It is a good place to start in order to get your eating habits back on track,” he says and I frown at the plate being set on my thighs.

I open my mouth to say that I don’t want to get my eating back on track, but am interrupted by the pleading look in Harry’s eyes. “Just a few bites, Lou, please,” he says and I glance down at the plate before swallowing and nodding.

I pick up half a slice of strawberry and focus my eyes on the seeds decorating the outside. I hold it against my lips and feel the involuntary gag coming up from the back of my throat. I slip the strawberry slice in and chew it multiple times, turning it to complete mush before swallowing it down.

I resist the urge to throw it back up again and grimly glance towards Harry sitting on the couch looking at me with a sad smile. I grimace and take up an apple cube before following the same process and swallowing that down.

I’m already full and I push my plate away from me, opting to take sips from my cuppa instead, enjoying the perfectly made tea. Just milk, no sugar, because that ruins it. Harry knows, and he remembered enough to make me the best tea, just like he always does.

“So…” Harry trails off and I glance back up to him from where my gaze had landed on my lap. I take a shuddery breath and avoid eye contact as I stare at the wall behind him. “Well, I guess you saw the scars and that’s pretty self-explanatory,” I mutter, feeling the hatred already coming on.

But when I finally look at Harry he is on the verge of tears, quite the opposite from hating me. I keep my arms curled up over my stomach and I see his eyes drift down to them.

“And I-I was-I was-” I choke on a sob and he is immediately sitting on the couch, right next to me. “People took advantage of me,” I say softly, not wanting to say the real word out loud. I don’t want the memories to come back.

Harry gets it instantly and his arms immediately go around me. I don’t have the heart to shove him off and there are too many tears threatening to spill over my eyes anyways, so I let him hold me tight in place.

“You don’t deserve this. Fuck, no one deserves this, but especially not you,” he whispers into my ear and I close my eyes, pushing the tears back. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he mumbles now and I shake my head. “I’m the one who is pushing you away, don’t blame yourself,” I say and he hugs me tighter.

“You’re the only person I’ve told,” I say softly and I feel my neck getting wet with tears. “Please don’t tell anyone,” I’m whispering now and he strokes my hair. “Of course not, never,” he reassures me and I close my eyes as I let him hold me in place. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

-Louis-

I rest my head against the car door as Harry drives. He keeps glancing over at me in concern and I pull my sleeves farther down. Harry sighs and continues driving.

"Almost there, Boo," he tells me and I nod. I close my eyes as I listen to the music playing at low volume in Harry's car.

I feel him stop and he turns to me. "Alright, you just need what's on this paper, yeah?" He asks me and I nod, opening my eyes. I look to see he is going through the drive-through of the pharmacy.

The voice comes over the intercom as Harry rolls the window down. Harry places the paper in the bin and I watch as the lady reads it over.

"And who is this for?" She asks. "Louis Tomlinson," Harry says and she nods as she types it in. "Birthdate?" She asks. "12-24-91," Harry replies smoothly and she enters it in. She tells him the price and he hands her the money. I let him pay, because I know he won't let me and he collects his change.

"Okay, let me fetch this for you, and I'll be right back," she says and I look through the window to see her get up and disappear.

Harry reaches his hand over and rubs my arm. "Smile for me, Boo," he says softly and I try to give him a small smile. He nods his head, and returns my poor excuse of a smile with one of his dimpled ones.

"It's getting better," he assures me and then the lady returns, putting the drugs in the box that transfers out to us. Harry takes it and gently hands me the white bag before thanking the lady and driving away.

"Just gonna stop by my flat so I can pack for LA, and then we can go back to yours and I'll help you pack, and then it will probably be time to go to the airport," Harry tells me as we drive down the road.

I nod and open up the white bag. I read the instructions, as it tells me to take one pill, twice daily. I pop open the bottle and tilt it. I pop out one pill and close the lid back on the orange bottle. I put it back into the white bag and look around the car for some water.

I see a water bottle in the cup holder and Harry must've seen me looking. "It's just mine, you can use it," he assures me and I quietly thank him, as I take the water bottle and open it.

I take a sip and swallow before placing the pill in my mouth and taking another swig of water, swallowing the pill down.

I put the cap back on and place the water back into the cup holder. I close my eyes and rest my head back, hoping the medicine can take away some of the pain.

"We're here, Boo," Harry says and I open my eyes, seeing the familiar flat. I get out of the car slowly and limp up to the door. Harry comes next to me and helps me inside as he opens the door and then shuts it again.

He helps me upstairs to his room and I try not to let my gaze linger on the closed door across from it.

"It's completely empty now," Harry says and I turn to look at him. "Oh," I say and he shakes his head. "Just, um, you can sit on my bed and I'll try to pack quickly," he says and I nod.

He gives me a smile and goes into his closet, as I lay back on his bed, breathing in his smell. He comes back with his suitcase and he sets it down on the bed where I'm not sitting.

He goes back and forth between his closet and his suitcase, throwing things into it, and I watch him. He occasionally meets my eyes and smiles, making me blush and turn away.

I stare at him as he turns around again to get another shirt. He grabs a white t-shirt and turns back around, making eye contact with me.

He sends me a smile and I blush, turning my head away and looking at the white sheets on his bed. I hear his footsteps and slowly look up as I see him walk over to his suitcase again.

"You're cute when you blush," he says as he folds the shirt, putting it into his suitcase. This, of course, makes me blush harder and he chuckles, noticing.

He turns around again and shakes his butt as he walks. I burst out laughing at his actions and he turns around, grinning cheekily. "I'm funny aren't I?" He asks. He turns back around and comes back with his arms full of socks.

"Like what you see?" He asks again, his cheeky smile never leaving his face. He drops the socks into his suitcase and I shake my head at him.

He turns and goes into his bathroom. "You're a dork!" I call to him and I hear his laugh. He returns with his toiletries and I watch as he puts them into his suitcase as well.

He packs a pair of shoes and then looks down, making sure he has his boots on.

"I'm only going to need two pairs of shoes, right?" He asks. "Uh, yeah, I think so. We are only going for a little over a week, right?" I ask and he nods. "Yeah, two pairs should be alright," I say and Harry nods as he zips up his large suitcase.

I stand up as he motions for us to go downstairs and he carries his bag. "Off to your flat," he says and I nod as he carries his suitcase out to his car, throwing it in the backseat.

He makes sure his flat is locked as I buckle myself into the car. I know the medicine is kicking in, as the pain is numbed, for which I am thankful.

We make it back to my flat and Harry gets his bag out of the back seat. He carries it inside my flat and places it by the door, before helping me up to my room.

"Here, I'll pack for you, and you can just sit on the bed. I don't want you to be in a lot of pain," he says and I nod.

"Thanks, Hazza," I say and sit down on the bed as I watch Harry. "My suitcase is right in front of the closet, and my clothes are in the dresser," I tell him as I see him look around my room in confusion. "Right, I knew that," he replies as he places my suitcase on the bed.

He goes over to my dresser and he opens up the top one, taking out lots of pairs of underwear and putting them into the suitcase. I try to not blush and Harry reaches over and pokes my reddening cheeks.

"You get embarrassed quite quickly, love," he says and I just chuckle and shake my head. "Keep packing, curly," I reply, trying to hide my red cheeks.

He laughs and moves over to open the other drawers. I see him frown and he opens and closes all the drawers before turning to me. "Where are your clothes?" He asks and I look at him confused.

"Right there," I say, pointing to the drawers he just opened. "No, I mean, where are your real clothes?" He asks and I furrow my eyebrows before it clicks. He means the clothes that aren't my new style.

"Um, those are really the only ones I've got now," I say, not wanting to tell Harry that they are in a heap in the back corner of my closet, because they are 'gay clothes' and I can't wear them.

"So, the new Louis is still going to be here?" He asks, his face falling. "Not to you, but to everybody else," I try to assure him. "It's not fair to them, Lou, it's hurting them," he tells me and I turn away.

"I'm sorry, Hazza, but you're the only one that I trust right now. Nobody else cares about me," I say and Harry walks over to me, before standing in front of me.

"They all care about you, Boo. The other boys are all worries about you and the new Louis Tomlinson," Harry says and I shake my head.

"I-I can't do it yet, Harry. I-I'm just not ready," I say and he sighs before nodding. "Okay, it's okay baby, I understand," he says, placing a kiss to the top of my head.

He goes back over to my dresser and he takes out multiples of black shirts and black pants, with a few of the leather jackets.

He packs them into the suitcase and then digs around in the drawers before I see him smile. He looks at me before pulling out 4 sweaters and sweatshirts and I immediately blush.

He smiles cheekily and folds them before packing them up. "You keep all my sweatshirts and sweaters, Boo?" He asks and I groan. "Shut up!" I reply and he laughs. "I think it's quite cute, actually," he says and I groan louder. "You're making it worse!" I say, but I'm laughing along with him.

He goes into the bathroom and he comes back with my toiletries, packing them up. I make sure to pack my pills that I just got and he grabs the other stuff I tell him to and then he zips up my suitcase.

He checks the time and then tells that a car will be here soon to pick us up. I nod and he helps me back downstairs, where he cuts up some bread and makes me eat a few pieces, before he eats some himself.

I hear a honk and then me and Harry make sure we have everything before going outside and putting our bags into the car before getting in.

I pull the leather jacket down further over my arms and look around the car to see that Harry and I are the only ones in it.

I sigh and rest my head on Harry's shoulder as we start to drive. "I don't wanna face them, Hazza," I say and Harry sighs, running his fingers through my hair.

"I'll stay right with you the whole time, yeah? This entire week and a half, I will be right with you the whole time, okay?" He offers. "Okay," I agree with him and he gives me a smile before we are told that we are there.

I see fans waiting outside the airport and Harry squeezes my hand when he notices how nervous I am.

I pull my sleeves down farther and grip my wrist tightly with one hand. Harry notices and reaches his hands down and pulls my hands away from each other.

I bite my lip and he places a kiss to my hand. "Please don't, it's just a few feet and then we will board the plane and be safe," he assures me and I nod.

Someone takes my bag for me and I let them, because they will be going to put it through baggage instead of me. I slowly move, being careful as I get out of the car. The bodyguard in front of me tries to keep the girls away as he leads me through and I keep my head down, trying desperately not to freak out.

I take deep breaths as the hands reach and grab at me and I try not to flashback to the memories of the grabbing at my body that night.

I shake my head and let the guard lead me through and into the airport. We go through the airport and then we go out to the terminal and the soon, I am in the safety of the plane.

I turn around to see Harry nodding encouragingly at me and I give him a small smile. He reaches out and gives my hand a small squeeze before I walk farther into the plane, towards where we sit.

I am relieved when Harry and I are the only ones on the private jet, and I sit down as Harry sits next to me and I cuddle up into him, as he wraps his arms around me.

I close my eyes and let myself fall into a much needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> happy new years eve and yeah have a great day stay safe kids no drinking and driving
> 
> wow im pathetic
> 
> so um there will be some nice stuff in the next chapters to come yeah real nice stuff *giggles mischievously*
> 
> have yourself a holly jolly merry christmaliday
> 
> thats a mixture between christmas and holiday if you couldnt tell
> 
> alright i think ive annoyed you enough goodnight
> 
> -em


	3. Chapter 3

-Louis-

I feel my body being shaken and I open my eyes. "C'mon Boo, we are here," he says and I sit up, rubbing my eyes. "Okay," I give him a small smile and he smiles at me.

He stands up and holds his hands out. I take them and he pulls me up. He pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me. I wrap my arms around him and breathe in his smell.

"It'll be okay. Just be the brave person I know you are," Harry whispers into my hair. I nod and he pulls away from me.

We go to get off the plane, following behind the bodyguard. I put my sunglasses over my eyes and keep my head down. I know my eyes probably have dark circles under them and my face is probably just completely drained.

I feel Harry's hand brush my arm and I bite my lip to stop my smile. I look up at him and he is looking at me with a cheeky grin.

I shake my head and put it back down again as we go through the airport. We try to avoid getting mobbed and soon we are in the black car.

Harry reaches out and squeezes my knee. I give him a smile and he returns it as we drive towards the hotel that we are staying at.

"The boys are already at the hotel," Harry says, looking up from his phone. I nod and sigh, resting my head back.

"I can't help it, being mean to them. It's the voices, they convince me that you guys are just using me and you don't actually care about me so I have to push you all away," I say softly and I feel a hand on my cheek.

"I'll help, baby. I'll help you get through it," Harry says, turning my head towards him and resting his forehead against mine.

"Thank you," I whisper softly and he nods, before pulling his head away. "I-I-there's something that I should tell you," he says softly and my breath hitches in my throat.

I look at him and he is staring out the window. I watch as he grips his own hands nervously and rubs them over his thighs. "Okay," I whisper.

"I-I like you, a lot actually. And I have for a really, really long time now. I love you, really, but I don't want to tell you yet, because I don't want to scare you away, and I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I'm sick of keeping it inside of me, and I hope you won't leave me after this, because I know you're straight and stuff-" He rambles and I try to stop the smile spreading on my face as he looks out the window, playing with his hands as he talks. I grip one of his hands into mine and he freezes and turns to look at our hands and then up at my face.

"I'm starting to like you, too. I mean like, I kind of realized it when the thought of leaving you completely broke me, but I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't know how you would react," I trail off and Harry's face turns up into a smile.

"We are such dorks," he shakes his head and I blush, resting my head his shoulder. "Shut up," I say and he wraps his arms around me tightly, and places a kiss to my head.

"Go on a date with me?" He asks softly and my heart flutters. I turn my head up to him and I kiss his cheek. "Okay," I say and he smiles at me, before hugging me tighter.

We pull up to the hotel that is already surrounded my fans and Harry squeezes my hand. "Just go straight into the lobby, I'll be right behind you," He says and I nod. I follow Basil, one of the bodyguards out, and I walk with my head down, straight into the hotel through the mob.

I make it into the lobby and immediately relax when I feel a hand on my back. I turn around and Harry is smiling at me. "Good job, Boo. I'm proud of you," he says, patting my back.

We are given our key cards from one of the bodyguards and I thank them before we go to the lift, free from the guards.

We go up and I look at Harry's and my hands intertwined. He notices me looking and he squeezes my hand. I rest my head on his shoulder and he moves his hands to around my waist as he pulls me into a hug.

I wrap my arms around him and then quickly pull away as I hear the doors open. Harry chuckles as no one is standing there and we get off onto our floor. I blush and Harry pokes my cheek, still laughing.

He takes my hand again and walks us towards the door that's next to the one that is supposed to be my room. I look at him confused, as it's not his room either.

"It's Niall's, the boys are in it," he says and I freeze, but then I nod. "Okay," I saw and he squeezes my hand reassuringly. I gently pull my hand away and avert my eyes to the ground.

"I-I don't want them to know yet," I tell him, so he's not hurt. "I know," he says and I look up to see him smiling fondly at me. I blush and he moves his hand up to my cheek.

"To be honest, I don't want them to know either. The only person that knows that I like you is Niall, and I actually just told him a few days ago," he tells me with our foreheads pressed together as he rubs my cheek with his thumb.

"Oh, t-that's nice," I stutter as his hot breath blows onto my face. Harry places his lips onto my forehead and laughs, pulling away. My cheeks are red and I pull my shirt over my face. "You always make me blush, Hazza," I whine and Harry gently pulls my shirt down. "It's just the effect I have on you," he says cheekily and I groan as he chuckles.

I roll my eyes and pull my sleeves of my jacket down over my hands. Harry glances down, noticing and he frowns. I give him a reassuring smile and he nods.

"Okay," he says and then he turns around and knocks on the door. "Nialler! Open up it's me!" He calls lightly through the door and I hear laughing on the other side.

The door swings open and Niall is standing in his basketball shorts and is shirtless. Harry laughs as Niall launches himself at Harry and Harry hugs Niall before pulling away.

"I just saw you!" Harry says, still laughing, and I can't help but feel a little jealous towards them. I shake it off as Niall laughs. "Yeah, but that was two days ago!" He argues and Harry chuckles, moving into the room.

Niall looks at me and offers me a small smile before I brush past him and go into the hotel room. He sighs as he closes the door and I go over and sit down on one of the chairs next to the window and next to the couch. I swing my legs over the arm rest of the couch and rest my back against the other one.

I take my phone out and ignore Liam and Zayn's stares as Niall sits down on the couch next to them. Harry is sitting down on the chair opposite mine and I glance at the telly to see a movie playing.

I open up my messages with Harry as the other boys are engrossed in the movie.

(Louis is in italics and harry is in bold)

Why do i have to be here

I text him and then I watch him secretly out of the corner of my eye. I watch him take his phone out of his tight pockets and he turns it on before slightly glancing at me.

Because it is good to bond

I roll my eyes and I quickly type up my reply as the other boys are yelling at the telly because something bad happened in the movie.

But they are all staring at me

Well im staring at you and you dont seem to mind

Cheeky

Youve always described me like that

Whatever

Whaddya say that we go back to your room and cuddle

Fine but let me leave first and then ill unpack and u leave about 15 min after me

Got it

I stand up and tuck my phone into my pocket and the boys look at me. "I'm going to sleep," I make up an excuse.

"Just stay here with us," Niall says and I shake my head. "You haven't spent time with us lately," Liam adds and my hands start to shake as they plead with me to stay.

I move me fingers over to my arm and dig my nails into my arm as I try to block out their voices.

"Just leave him alone!" I hear Harry yell and I see a shadow in front of me. I feel hands on mine, pulling my fingers away from my arm. I look up at his pleading eyes and I nod.

"Geez, we were just messing around with him," Niall says and Harry turns around. "Well he has had enough so just leave him alone," Harry says and then he places his hand on my back and pushes me, literally pushes me, outside the door and he shuts it behind him, leaving them speechless.

He leans his back against the door and groans. "I'm sorry Lou, I just saw you hurting yourself and I lost it again and you were panicking and so I just, I'm sorry," he says and I start to giggle.

He opens his eyes and looks at me. "What are you laughing at?" He asks and that makes me laugh harder. "You are so protective of me and at least now we don't have to be sneaky," I say and he shakes his head as a blush comes to his cheeks. "Shut up, it wasn't funny," he says and I laugh, wrapping my arms around him.

"Oh, it was so funny," I saw, wrapping my arms around him. He wraps his arms around me and nestles his head into my hair. "I just don't want you to hurt yourself," he mutters into my hair and I hear the door open.

"Um, guys?" I hear Niall's voice and I quickly push Harry away from me and turn to Niall. "Didn't see ya there, Nialler," Harry says, smiling cheekily. I feel my cheeks turn red again and Niall looks at me.

"I-um-just wanted to come-uh-apologize to you. I didn't mean to force you into anything, it's just we wanted to hang out with you and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-I'm just sorry," Niall says and I look into his eyes to see him looking at me with sad eyes.

"It's fine," I say roughly and I see Niall sigh. Harry closes his eyes and takes deep breath. "Listen, Louis is just tired, so he's just gonna turn in for the night. 'M feeling a bit laggish myself. Thanks for the apology, Nialler. I didn't mean to yell at you guys, I'm just tired from jet lag 's all. Tell the boys we will see them tomorrow," Harry says and Niall looks at him in concern before nodding.

He turns back and goes inside the room and Harry grips my hand in his. "He was just trying to apologize, Lou. He really cares about you," Harry sighs as he leads me in front of my hotel room door. "I know," I say softly and Harry rubs his thumb over my hand. He brings my hand up to his lips and places a kiss to it.

I reach into my pocket and take the room key out before sticking it into the door and opening it. Harry leads us inside and I let the door shut behind us.

He release my hand as we go into the bedroom and I open up my suitcase that Harry packed for me. I take out my bottle of pills and Harry notices me opening the bottle. He disappears into the bathroom and then comes back with one of the glass cups that they leave in there and it is filled with water.

I thank him and stick the one pill in my mouth and swallow it down with the water. Harry takes the glass back and I dig through my suitcase as I dig out one of Harry's sweatshirts and my plaid pajama pants.

Harry comes back and sits down on the bed. I slip my black skinny jeans off and slip my pajamas on. I take my leather jacket off and then I take my black t-shirt off.

I am about to slip the sweatshirt over my head when Harry's voice stops me. "Leave it off," he says and I blush, lowering it down from where it was almost over my head.

"I don't want to leave my scars and cuts visible," I whisper and I hear the bed creak and his footsteps walk towards me.

"I love you, which means I love every part of you, and they are part of you now, I don't want them to be, but they are," he says and he takes the sweater out of my hands and tosses it onto the bed.

"Don't hide yourself around me," he says as he wraps his arms around my bare waist. "I can't help it," I say and he nods. "I know, but I'm going to help you, Boo," he says and I snuggle into his shirt.

"Okay," I whisper and he pulls away from me. "These pants are cute on you," he says and I blush a little. "Thanks," I mutter and he chuckles, kissing my forehead. "Let's watch a movie, okay?" He asks and I nod.

I go to sit on the bed and I lean against the pillow as I watch Harry. He pulls his shirt over his head and I bite my lip as I watch his back move. He bends over and slides his pants off, staying in his boxers.

He comes back over to me and he crawls into the bed next to me. He laughs as my face as I rake my eyes over his body.

He wraps his arms around me and I rest my head on his chest. "Dammit, I didn't put a movie in," he mutters and I start to giggle. "'S okay, let's just sleep. 'M a bit tired," I mumble into his chest and he laughs.

"Okay, baby. Go to sleep, and we will wake up for our interview tomorrow, and I'll be with you the entire time," Harry says and I smile as I close my eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

-Louis-

"I don't really want to go down and risk seeing them right now," I argue and Harry sighs. "You'll have to face them anyways, at the interview in a few hours," he says, running his hands over his face.

"I know," I say softly and he walks over to me still lying in the bed. "Please? Will you come down to eat breakfast with me? I need to make sure you eat at least a little something," He says, taking my hands and making me sit up in bed, the blankets slipping down to reveal my bare torso.

"Fine," I agree and he gives me a big smile, pulling me off the bed and into his arms. I laugh at his excitement and he pulls away from me, his smug smile still on his face.

"Well, then let's get you dressed!" He says and I laugh, shaking my head as he goes over to my suitcase. He pulls out one of his sweaters, a grey one and stands back up, walking over to me.

"Just put this on and stay in your pajama pants. They make your bum look nice," he says, winking cheekily as he hands me the sweater. I blush and slip the sweater over my head.

Harry has his skinny jeans and a white shirt on already, with his brown boots on his feet. He walks away and returns, handing me my Vans. I slip them on and he grabs my hand and pulls me out of my hotel room.

We walk hand-in-hand down the hall together, towards the lift. I hear voices and Harry immediately drops my hand and I move a little bit away from him.

A man and a woman walk by us, carrying coffee cups as they watch a little boy toddle in front of them. Harry and I let them pass by us and they offer us a good morning, which we return, before we continue the way to the lift, keeping our hands separate this time.

We get into the lift and Harry presses the button for the lobby. No one else is in the lift, so Harry moves so he is standing in front of me.

He gently cups my cheek and leans in, placing a kiss to my forehead, and then kissing my cheek. I groan and he chuckles. "You're avoiding my lips," I say, frustrated with him. "I know," he says, smirking. "Why?" I whine and he just winks at me.

"That one's gonna be special," he says and I roll my eyes. "It better be soon," I say and he nods, licking his lips and quickly backs away from me as we arrive at the lobby.

We step off the lift and walk towards the large breakfast area. I try not to grimace at all the food and Harry discreetly squeezes my hand in comfort.

We grab plates and Harry makes me get a little bit of eggs, along with one pancake. I go to sit down at a table, whilst Harry gets more food. There's not a lot of people here, probably because it is quite early, 7:00 am, and everyone is probably still sleeping.

I look up to see Harry walking towards me with his plate and two mugs. He sets one mug in front of me, and I smile when I realize it's tea.

I let the teabag sit as Harry places his food down and sits down across from me at the two-person table.

"I want you to eat everything on your plate, can you do that for me?" He asks and I look down at the eggs and pancake. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "I'll try, for you," I say, looking back up again. He smiles at me and then starts eating his own food.

I pick up a fork and carefully stab some eggs onto it. I bring them to my mouth and slowly eat them. I finish off my eggs, my stomach already feeling full and I turn to the pancake.

"I don't think I can eat all of it, Hazza," I say softly and he sets his fork down, looking at me. "Just a quarter of it, then? You've eaten all your eggs already? I'm so proud of you," he tells me, noticing the progress I've made on eating my food.

"Here, I'll cut off how much I want you to eat, and then we will be done," he says and he picks up my knife. He cuts out a quarter of the pancake and then sets the knife down.

"Okay?" He asks and I nod. I clear my thoughts and think about only Harry, and how proud he will be of me. I slowly eat the pancake piece in 4 bites and Harry reaches over and quickly squeezes my hand before releasing it.

"I'm very proud of you, Boo. You are trying to get better, and that means a lot to me," he whispers, making sure to keep his voice down so the people at other tables can't hear him. I give him a smile and stand up, throwing the excess pancake away and putting the dishes into the bucket.

I go to sit back down with Harry, as he is just finishing up his food and I go to finish my tea.

So far, the other boys haven't come in yet, which means I won't have to see them yet, hopefully.

"I'm done. Let me clean up and we will go back to the room," Harry announces and I nod as he gets up, throwing his trash away and then he returns to the table, holding his hands out for me to grab.

I grab them and he pulls me out of my chair. I look around and notice it is getting more crowded. Harry and I quickly go to the lift and back up to my room.

He shuts the door and looks over at the time, seeing as we only have an hour until we have to leave to go to the interview.

He spins around and presses my back against the door, pressing his body into mine. "Hi," he breathes out and I smile. "Hey," I reply, just as breathy and he chuckles, reaching his hand up and running it along my jaw.

"Did you take your medicine?" He asks and I shake my head. "Haven't had time," I reply. "Does it hurt?" He asks softly, placing his hand on my cheek. "Not a lot, it's getting better," I assure him and he nods.

"You don't understand how long I've been waiting to do this," he says, changing the topic as he moves our faces closer together. His face is inches away from mine and my breath hitches.

"What are you waiting for?" I ask him, almost begging him to kiss me. "Now kiss me you fool," he whispers before leaning forward and smashing his lips onto mine.

My hands move to his curly locks and he groans as I run my hands through his hair. He moves his hands from my face, and runs them along my sides.

He licks my bottom lip and I open my mouth, our tongues colliding. He presses me back against the wall further and I groan as he slips his hands underneath my shirt and he rubs them along my stomach.

We pull away, panting, and he rests his forehead onto mine. "That was so much better than it was in my head," he says in between breaths and I chuckle. "Nice to know you dream about kissing me," I say and he winks at me. "Of course, what else am I supposed to think about during boring-ass interviews?" He responds and I shake my head at him as I move my arms to around his waist.

He places a soft, quick kiss to my lips. "Time to get ready," he says, a proud smug look on his face.

-

"I really, really, really can't wear a short sleeved shirt, Caroline. Please just let me wear a jumper!" I argue once again with our stylist.

"It doesn't go well, you have to wear the mid sleeve black suit!" She argues back and I rest my head in my hands, trying not to let the tears fall.

I feel a hand on my back and I remove my hands from my face to see Harry. "Caroline, please, just let him wear the jumper," he pleads with her and she shakes her head. "No, he has to match with the rest of you," she says and Harry sighs.

He leans in towards my ear. "Go wait in the bathroom, I'll be right there," he whispers softly and I nod. I keep my head down, ignoring the other boys staring at me as I walk to the bathroom.

I go in and sit on the counter, next to the sink. I swing my legs back and forth as I try to not think about what will happen.

I hear the door open and I look up to see Harry walking towards me with the suit in his hands.

"I can't wear it, Harry," I say panicked, because he was supposed to make it so I didn't have to wear it.

"Shh, just give me a second okay. Everything will be fine," he says and I take a deep breath, nodding. He walks over to me and sets the suit down on the counter.

I see he is holding a container of some sorts in his hand. "What's that?" I question as he steps in between my legs.

"It's cover-up. It's makeup, but it covers up cuts and scars," he explains and I furrow my eyebrows. "How do you know?" I question and Harry freezes from turning the lid to open the bottle. I hear his breath hitch and I gently reach my hand up.

"Hazza?" I ask softly and he shakes his head, as if to clear his mind. "I-I just know," he whispers and I rest my hand on his cheek. I gently lift his head up to look at me and I press a soft kiss to his lips.

"Okay, I trust you," I say and he nods, opening the container. "Let me see your arm," he says and I hold my arm out to him. He rolls my sleeve up and pours some of the tan stuff onto his hand. "The stylist use this for your face sometimes," he says and I watch as he dabs it onto my cuts and scars, but avoids it near my tattoos.

It doesn't sting, as the cuts are a few days old, and Harry sets the bottle down before he washes his hands from the excess makeup. He rubs in the makeup and it covers up the cuts and scars quite well. He avoids my tattoos, so that it doesn't cover up the tattoos and make it obvious and then he washes his hands again.

I inspect my arm under the light and then smile when I see that it is only obvious if you know they are there and if you are staring right at it.

Harry hands me the suit and I take my jumper off. Harry's eyes rake my body and I roll my eyes. He walks towards me and kisses my lips before handing me the suit.

"You're hot," he states and I shake my head. "You're cheesy," I reply and he chuckles. I slip the outfit on and Harry inspects me before nodding.

"I can't even see them from here," he says and I nod, grabbing my sweater, well technically Harry's sweater, off of the counter and I throw it over my shoulder.

Harry wraps his hand around mine and squeezes it before letting it go and walking outside the bathroom.

I follow him and we walk back to the dressing room. Everyone is waiting impatiently and their eyes are on me once I return.

"I need my hair done," I say rudely and the boys sigh, turning back to what they are doing. Harry sits next to Niall and gives me a look telling me to be nice and then he whips out his phone. I roll my eyes and sit in the chair that Lou tells me to sit in and she does my hair.

We are told that we have to be ready in five minutes and Lou adds a little bit more hairspray before telling me that I am done.

I get up and we all follow the director out to right behind the stage. We are pre-recording this episode, which is The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, and we have to wait until he announces us.

"-One Direction!" I hear Jimmy's voice and Harry glances at me before we walk out. We walk down the stairs and shake hands with Jimmy before sitting down. I sit in a chair next to Zayn, and behind the couch. Harry is sitting in front of me and I can see the top of his curly head.

I mostly keep my head down, or don't answer when Jimmy is interviewing us. I watch Harry's movements and listen to his voice and how he jokes around with Jimmy.

Jimmy explains how he wants us to take the cutest selfie ever and my eyes widen as the backdrop is displayed. Harry says it looks like a weird porno background and I laugh, knowing what kind of porn he is watching.

We get up to walk over and Harry waltzes over and stands, purposely probably, right next to me. He sends me a quick glance and I try not to smile at him.

I stand in between Harry and Jimmy and Jimmy keeps calling to bring out random objects. He says his nephew is a mini Harry and I immediately watch for the little boy. He comes up and I can't help the smile that comes to my face when Harry compares himself to the little boy.

That's going to be what your future son looks like.

Guess like you do have nice things to say after all.

One time deal. Don't get used to it.

Jimmy calls to bring out a baby and I watch the door the entire time. I see Harry watching as well and then the assistant brings out the baby and my face lightens into a smile.

The assistant holds the baby next to everything else in the picture and then we all smile and I can feel Harry next to me.

Jimmy takes the picture and I gently reach my hand out and quickly brush Harry's back with my fingers and then put my hands back behind my back. I see Harry look at me and I just smile straight forward, making sure not to give the cameras any ideas.

I see Harry smile and he turns back towards the camera. We are released onto a commercial break and the audience claps. Jimmy talks to us and we have to record another segment to play right after our 1D special in Orlando.

We film it and then we are able to go. Once we are backstage, Harry grabs my hand and pulls me away from everyone else. He drags me into the bathroom and locks us into the big stall.

He presses my back against the stall and smashes his lips onto mine. Right when I process what is happening he pulls away from me, a huge smile on his face. "Did you see the baby? And the mini-me?" He asks excitedly and I laugh.

"Of course I did. Did you not see me drooling?" I question and his smile widens. "I wouldn't mind children," he says, resting his forehead against mine. "We haven't even gone on a date yet, Harry. Let's not jump too far, yeah?" I slow him down and he sighs.

"I know, but we've been practically dating for the past 4 years. I mean don't even deny that we weren't exactly just best friends, because you know it isn't true," he says, moving his hands to grip my waist.

"Yeah, I know, I just never wanted to admit it to myself then. For obvious reasons," I say and Harry smiles. "Yeah, I know," he says and I smile as I press our lips back together again.

My hands move to his curls and I twirl my fingers around in them. He slips his hands underneath the suit and just as I open my mouth to collide our tongues together, I hear the bathroom door open.

My eyes shoot open and I see Harry trying to quietly pull away from me and then we huddle into a corner, away from the stall door.

"Harry? Louis? You guys in here?" I hear Niall's voice call out and Harry presses a finger to his lips, signaling me to stay quiet.

"I'm here, Ni, sorry I'm taking a poo. Breakfast just kinda went straight through me," Harry calls out and I have to cover my mouth to keep myself from laughing. Harry grins at me, his dimple showing as I hear Niall laugh.

"TMI bro, do you know where Louis is?" He asks laughing and Harry glances at me, winking. "Oh yeah, I'm fucking him against the wall right now," Harry says and my eyes widen as I hear Niall laugh again.

"Nice try, but that only happens in your dreams. Thanks for your help. I'll just find him myself," Niall calls and I immediately relax my shoulders.

"Alright, I'll be out in a minute and I'll help you look, maybe check around back near the stage?" Harry offers and I try not to giggle. "Thanks, have fun pooing," Niall says and I hear the door open and shut. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and punch Harry's arm.

"Why the hell did you say that?" I ask, but my face is in a smile, so it doesn't get my effect across. Harry laughs and he wipes imaginary tears from his eyes, making me laugh as well, before he presses a kiss to my lips.

"Because I actually really do want to fuck you against this wall, but I can't because we have to go, and I don't think pooing takes this long," he says and my cheeks flush.

He sends me a wink and I slap his bum, unlocking the stall door and walking out. I walk out of the bathroom with Harry right behind me and we walk to the dressing room.

We walk in to see Zayn, Liam, and Niall all pacing around the room. "I found him! He was talking to one of the camera ladies. The little player," Harry says, sending me a quick side look.

I glare at the other boys in the room and Harry quickly brushes his hand along my back. The boys stare back at me and I walk over to sit on a chair, far away from them all.

I plug my earphones in as Harry gives me a concerned glance and sits next to the other boys. I turn on my music, drowning out the other boys' mutters that are probably about me.

Someone comes in and tells us that we are leaving now. We each have our own bodyguard and they walk with us as we walk the short gated distance from the back studio door to the black car waiting for us.

We get into the car and I rest my head against the window as I turn my music up louder, not wanting to listen to the other boys.

Harry glances at me concerned again and I give him a quick small smile, that the other boys don't see and I shake my head slightly, resting my head back against the window and closing my eyes.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I pull my earphones out of my ears and open my eyes sitting up. "We're back," Liam says and I glare at him. "Don't touch me," I spit and I see Harry look at me.

We get out of the car and go through the service elevator up to our floor. We get out and the boys talk to each other as I stick my hands into my pockets and walk in front of them.

I stick my key card into my door and watch as the other boys go into Niall's room. I close my hotel room door behind me and my phone vibrates from my pocket. I lie down on my bed and pull out my phone, seeing a text from Harry.

I'll be there in a little bit. Watch a movie or something, just please don't do anything bad. I love you.

I sigh and type an okay before turning off my phone. I reach for the remote on the table next to me and I turn on the telly. I scroll through the channels before settling on one and I wait for Harry to come back to my room.


	5. Chapter 5

-Harry-

I sit down in one of the chairs as Niall, Liam, and Zayn all sit down somewhere. I quickly send Louis a text and turn my attention back to the three boys in front of me, who are now staring at me.

"What?" I ask and Liam raises his eyebrow. "What is going on with you and Louis?" Liam asks and I move my gaze down to my hands.

I look back up at them and I see Niall fidgeting. "Nothing, why would you think that?" I ask, staring at the wall behind them. "'Lou, let me take care of it, I'll get him to wear it'," Liam says, imitating my voice. "I was just trying to help him out," I mutter and Niall bursts out laughing.

I glare at him and he tries to stop laughing, but fails as little giggles escape. I groan and put my head in my hands as Liam and Zayn look in between me and Niall.

"Are we missing something?" Zayn asks and I shake my head, relieved that Niall shakes his as well. "I just thought of a joke that Jimmy said earlier, I wasn't even paying attention. What were you guys talking about?" Niall asks, his voice laced with innocence. I internally sigh in relief and Niall sends me a quick wink when the other boys aren't looking at him.

"Louis and Harry," Zayn supplies for Niall and Niall looks at me. "Oh, right. Do tell us Harold, what is up with you and Louis?" Niall asks, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Nothing is going on," I argue again.

"Then why were you able to convince him to wear a shirt, yet when I just so much as touched him, he flipped out on me?" Liam asks and I throw my arms in the air. "I don't know! Just give him some space!" I say, frustrated and Liam furrows his eyebrows together.

"Whatever, since you won't tell us, then we will just have to ask Louis himself," Liam says and my eyes widen.

"I-I wouldn't do that if I were you," I stutter out and the three of them raise their eyebrows at me. "And why is that?" Niall asks and I try to rack my brain for an excuse. "You've-uh-you've seen how he's been acting lately. I don't think it's the best idea," I make up the excuse and they all sigh, leaning back.

"Fine, we won't ask him," Liam says and I stand up, done with the conversation. "I'm leaving," I say. "Go have fun with your boyfriend," Liam quips and I keep walking towards the door. "He's not my boyfriend," I say, loud enough for them to hear, but I feel my cheeks heat up as I walk outside Niall's hotel room.

I go into my hotel room and quickly head straight for my suitcase. I take out the film I packed in there, when Louis wasn't looking and I put it into the DVD player that is connected to the telly, which is next to the hotel bed.

I get to the Menu of the film and leave the remote on the table next to the bed. I make sure the blankets are easily accessible to slide under.

I go back to my suitcase and change into pajamas. I pull out the bubble bath soap from my toiletries bag and go into the bathroom, seeing the large bathtub. I set the soap on top of the toilet and smile to myself.

I run a hand through my long hair and take a deep breath. I grab my phone and quickly send a text to Louis, telling him to open his hotel room door. I exit my hotel room and walk to Louis' just as he opens up his door. I notice he is, luckily, already in his pajamas and I take his hand, just as he is about to speak.

"C'mon, I'm taking you on our first date," I say softly and his face lights up in a smile as he walks out of his hotel room and shuts the door behind him.

"But, I'm not wearing proper clothes?" He says confused and I chuckle a little as we walk, hand-in-hand, towards my hotel room. "I'm not either, it's okay," I say and he looks at my outfit.

I unlock my hotel room and we slip inside, quickly shutting the door behind us. "So what do you have in store for us?" He asks and I smile at him before leading him into the bedroom.

He sees the movie title on the screen and his face lights up. "It's our movie," he whispers softly, looking at me. "Mm-hm, I snuck it into the suitcase when you weren't looking," I say and his smile widens.

"What are we waiting for then?" He says excitedly, moving towards the bed and I pull his arm, making him turn around and look at me confused.

"I-uh-I wanted to do something else first," I say, my cheeks heating up as I remember what I want to do with him. "Oh?" He questions, encouraging me to keep going. "I-uh-I was maybe thinking that we could-uh-take a bath together? Only if you wanted to, I don't want to force you into anything too soon-" I cut myself off from rambling as I turn my head to the floor, my cheeks burning red.

I feel his fingers underneath my chin and he lifts my face up. "I would love to, Haz," he says, pressing a kiss to my lips. My face goes into a smile and I take his hand as I lead him into the bathroom. 

-Louis-

I'm actually kind of scared to do this, I mean, I haven't been this intimate with anyone, ever. But, I couldn't say no to Harry, I mean, he was stuttering and he just looked so nervous to ask me and I just had to.

I mean, I love him, I really do, and even though this is the "first date" technically, it doesn't feel like it. I mean, we lived together for 3 years, and it's not like I haven't seen him naked, or the other way around, but it was never in this circumstance.

I watch as he bends over to turn the water on. He places his fingers under it and adjusts the temperature. He grabs the bottle of soap and pours the right amount underneath the pouring water.

I stand there and admire his bum as he is bent over, giving me the perfect view. He stands up and I quickly avert my eyes back up, just as he turns around.

He quickly walks over to me and I hear the water running, filling up the bathtub. "Ready?" He asks me and I nod, giving him a kiss.

He smiles and reaches out to grip the bottom of my jumper. He gently pulls it over my head and drops it to the floor. His eyes rake my body and I immediately cover my arms around my stomach, trying to cover the cuts and scars.

Harry frowns and reaches out, pulling my hands away from my stomach and instead, intertwines our fingers together. "Remember, I said no hiding yourself from me," he says softly and I nod. "Sorry, it's a natural reaction," I say and he leans down and kisses my lips again. "I love you," he says softly, and he moves his hands down to my plaid pajama pants.

"I love you, too," I say, and he freezes, moving his hands quickly back up to cup my face, his eyes wide. "Really?" He asks, his face turning up into a smile. I nod, biting my lip slightly to stop the shy smile, but I fail.

"Yeah, I love you," I repeat and he wraps his arms tightly around me, pulling me to his chest. "I love you so, so much Boo," he says into my ear and I smile wrapping my arms back around him.

He pulls away and I reach my hands down and pull his shirt over his head, having to stand on my tiptoes as I am shorter than him, and I drop it next to mine. I look over and see that the bath is getting close to the top.

"Harry, the water!" I shout and his eyes widen as he turns around and rushes over to the tub and quickly turns the water off. I start laughing and Harry starts laughing too as he walks over to me.

"Oops?" He says and I chuckle. He walks back over to me and I gently reach my hands down to his pajama pants. I slide them down his legs and he shakes his feet to get them off.

I hook my fingers around the waistband of his boxers and place a kiss to his lips before sliding them off, them falling on top of his pants.

He smiles at me and reaches down to take my pajama pants off. "Nuh-uh, you get in first, and I'll follow you," I say, shaking my finger at him. "But Lou! That's not fair," He whines and I shrug my shoulders.

"Fine, he groans and turns around. I watch as he slowly dips his foot into the water and as he is lowering himself into the water, I quickly whip off my pants and boxers and I climb into the bath.

"I didn't get to admire you," Harry pouts and I laugh as the bubbles block any view for Harry to see. I sit criss-crossed facing him and he spreads his legs out.

He holds his arms out and motions for me to sit in between his legs. I awkwardly turn and then sit back down, scooting back and resting my back against Harry's chest.

He wraps his arms around me and I rest my head on his shoulder, looking up at him. He looks down at me and leans his head down, pressing a kiss to my lips.

I smile and he pulls his head back up, resting his head back against the white wall. I play with his fingers that are resting on my stomach.

"Harry?" I say out loud, still playing with his fingers. "Hmm?" He hums out, and I smile. "I love you," I say and I can almost feel the smile he has on his face. "I love you, too, Boo," he says and we stay like that for about 10 minutes, just relaxing against each other.

Harry gently moves and I turn around to look at him. "Let's wash off and then go watch our movie," he says and I nod. I stand up and he stands up as well. He reaches down and starts to drain the water as he turns on the shower head.

I see him jump and the water that sprays out from the shower head is cold. He shivers and changes the temperature and then motions for me to come closer to him, as the water is now warm.

I feel the remaining water slosh at my feet as I move towards Harry and I am standing underneath the shower's stream of water.

Harry smiles as he tilts my head back, getting my hair wet. He reaches down and grabs his shampoo. He squirts some into his hands and reaches his hands up to my hair.

He gently massages the shampoo in my hair. Since I am shorter, he can easily wash my hair for me. I smile at the feeling of his fingers in my hair.

He motions for me to rinse my hair off and then he squirts body wash into his hand. He softly washes my chest and my skin tingles from his touch.

He notices the bruises that are still surrounding the lower regions of my body and he takes care at he washes the soap there. The bruises are slightly fading, but they are still bad.

Harry place a soft kiss to my lips when he's done and I let the water run over my body. When I'm done, I notice Harry already moving to wash the shampoo out of his hair.

"I was gonna do that," I pout and he smiles at me. "Next time," he winks and I watch him as he washes his hair off. I grab the body wash before he can and I squirt some onto my hand, noticing his smirk at me.

I wash his body, running my hands over his chest a lot, before he washes his body off and he turns off the shower.

He steps outs and helps me get out as well, so I don't slip. He grabs a white towel and holds it out for me. I go in and he wraps it tightly around my body in burrito style. He then takes his towel and dries himself off a little before wrapping it around his waist.

We ignore the clothes on the ground and I follow behind Harry as he goes to his suitcase, pulling out clothes for us.

The cold air of the hotel room hits me, as I realize how hot it was in the bathroom. I see the steam escaping the bathroom and I wipe my cheek as a water droplet slipped down from my hair.

Harry sets a pair of boxers and one of his sweaters onto the bed next to me and I let the towel fall to my feet as I slip the clothes on.

I see his eyes on me and I blush as I slip the sweater over my head. I meet his eyes and he gives me a smile before he changes into his boxers and pajama pants, staying shirtless.

I look down to see the sweater go down, past my boxers and how it slightly slips off of one of my shoulders. Harry notices and reaches up, lifting the sweater back over my shoulders and placing a kiss to my lips before bending down and picking up my dropped towel.

He throws them into the bathroom and I bounce over to the bed and climb underneath the blankets. Harry chuckles as he sees me on the bed and he turns off all the main lights, leaving the one by the bed on.

He climbs into the bed and grabs the remote, pressing start and turning off the last light, before wrapping his arms around me and I snuggle up to him as we watch Titanic.

"I love you," I whisper, yawning. Harry kisses my hair and rubs his fingers in circles, which are rested on my stomach.

"I love you, too."


	6. Chapter 6

-Harry-

"Of course." "I called it." "No, I did!" "That's a lie and you know it."

I hear voices and I wrap my arms tighter around the body on my chest. I slightly open one eye to see Liam, Niall, Zayn, and Paul standing in the doorway of the bedroom. "He's awake," Liam says and I open both eyes, immediately looking down at Louis and seeing him still asleep.

I move my gaze back to the intruders. "What?" I ask rudely and they all raise their eyebrows. I sigh and quickly make sure Louis is still asleep before I slide out from under him and stand up off the bed.

The boys shield their eyes, screaming at me to put clothes on. They probably think that I'm naked, because they are probably me assuming Louis and I had sex. I roll my eyes.

"Will you all shut up before you wake him up? I'm wearing pants, relax!" I say, getting annoyed with them.

"How did you guys even get in here?" I ask, once they've stopped crying like babies. "Paul has a key to all of our rooms," Liam states, as if I should already know.

"Can we move this conversation out of the bedroom, please? If Louis wakes up, it's not going to be pretty when he sees you all in here," I say and they nod, shuffling towards the small area with a couch and chairs, by the door.

I turn around and pull the blankets back over Louis. I quickly lean down and kiss his forehead, whispering an 'I love you' before going out to meet the rest of them, slipping a white shirt over my head in the process.

"So, what was so important that you had to barge into my hotel room and wake me up for?" I ask, yawning as I sit down in one of the chairs, straightening out my shirt.

"Well, we have another interview today, and then a meeting with our management out here in LA, and we are supposed to leave in 15 minutes," Liam informs me and I groan, knowing Louis is not going to enjoy this.

"Okay, sorry, I didn't know. Just go wait in Niall's room or something and I'll wake up Louis and we will meet you guys in the lobby in 10 minutes," I tell them and they roll their eyes, before following Paul out of my hotel room.

I run my hands through my hair and over my face, taking a deep breath. I sigh and stand up out of the chair and go back into the bedroom.

I see Louis sitting up and frantically looking around, but I watch as his entire body relaxes when he sees me. He slowly climbs out of the bed and I watch as the sweater goes down to almost his knees, the sleeves covering his hands.

He pads his bare feet over to me and wraps his arms around me. "I didn't know where you were," he mutters as I cradle his head into my chest.

"Yeah, um, about that actually," I trail off at the end and he pulls away, looking at me worried. "The other boys and Paul were standing in the doorway, looking at us this morning, which is what I woke up to," I say slowly, searching Louis' eyes for a reaction. His eyes go wide and I can feel him start to shake in my arms.

"No, no, how did they get in?" He asks frantically and I pull him into my chest again, rubbing his back softly, whispering for him to calm down.

"Paul has a key to all of our rooms, apparently," I explain and I can feel he is still panicking, but he has slightly calmed down.

"It's okay, Boo. We have to leave for an interview in 10 minutes now, and we are meeting the boys in the lobby in 5 minutes. Let's get dressed and I will make you some tea, sound good?" I tell him gently and he nods.

I place a soft kiss to his lips and he smiles. He prances over to my suitcase and I chuckle as he picks out some clothes from it. I go to the kitchen and try to make the tea to the best of my abilities, but it is a bit hard, because I don't know how to use this thing that they have set up.

Once I have what I hope to be is good tea, I leave it on the table and go back to the bedroom, seeing Louis staring at himself in the mirror. I come up behind him and he makes eye contact with me.

"You're beautiful," I remind him, hugging my arms around his waist from behind and burying my face into his neck. "T-thanks," he mutters, and I know he wants to deny it so I lift my head up and kiss his cheek. "I mean it," I say firmly and he nods.

I release my arms from him and go over to my suitcase, quickly just grabbing a pair of jeans and slipping them on, leaving on the white shirt I'm already wearing.

"Let's go downstairs, yeah?" I offer to Louis, who is now sitting on the bed. He nods and I hold out my hand for him to grab, which he does.

He has his phone in the other hand and he sticks it into his pocket. I grab his tea, in a paper cup like the ones you get at Starbucks, and hand it to him. He wraps both hands around it and takes a sip, smiling a bit after he swallows.

"Thanks, Hazza," he says and I give him a smile. "No problem, baby, I love you," I say as I open the door of my hotel room and hold it open for him to pass through and then I shut it behind me, following next to him down the hallway.

"I love you, too," he says softly as I click the down button for the lift. It opens and we get in, riding down until we get to the lobby.

We walk into the lobby, Louis holding his cup of tea and I see him staring at the ground as he walks, not wanting to make eye contact with the boys.

"And so they came!" Liam says as we walk up to the group. "Shut up," I hear Louis mutter and before anyone can respond, we are being ushered out of the hotel, through the back and into the two black cars waiting.

Louis and Zayn are forced into one, as Liam, Niall, and I are forced into the other. Louis sends me a panicking look and I try not to run to him. I give him a reassuring smile as I'm shoved into the car.

I sit in the back, whilst Liam and Niall sit in the middle section. The car doors shut and soon the car is moving. I take out my phone and quickly text Louis, making sure he stays calm and he doesn't freak out like I know he is already doing. 

-Louis-

I'm being pushed towards the opposite car as Harry and I try not to yell at the bodyguards pushing me. I send Harry a panicked glance and he tries to give me a reassuring smile, just as we are both shoved into the cars.

I see Zayn is the only one in the car with me, besides bodyguards and I turn my back towards everyone, taking out my phone.

Harry is sending me messages and I quickly text him back, telling him that I'm okay. We text the entire car ride and soon, I am being ushered out of the car and back into another building, well studio, for another interview.

I quickly spot Harry in the dressing room already with the other boys and he gives me a relieved smile.

I walk over to him, ignoring the other boys and wrap my arms around him in a hug. He is shocked, but then he wraps his arms around me, moving his lips to my ear.

"Baby, they are watching us," he whispers, extremely quietly. "I know," I say with a smile and I hear him chuckle slightly into my neck.

I pull away and move over to a chair, ignoring the boys' curious glances and I just go onto my phone.

"Okay, I've had enough of you two prancing around and acting like nothing is happening, and I'm sick of your attitude Louis. You both better tell us what the fuck is going on, because I am getting pissed," Liam says loudly, startling me and my phone falls out of my grip onto my lap.

I slowly look up and make eye contact with Harry, as he is staring at me.

"I don't know what you are fucking talking about Liam. There is nothing wrong with my attitude," I say, my voice hard.

"Don't play games with me, you know exactly what I'm talking about," he says, his eyes narrowing at me.

"Please, enlighten me," I say, folding my hands together and leaning back in the chair.

"You little-" Liam starts as he moves to get out of his chair. He is pushed back down by Niall however and I try not to let myself visibly relax.

"There is nothing going on between Harry and I, and there is nothing going on with my attitude," I say and see Harry shuffling out of the corner of my eye. I don't dare turn my head, because that would give everything away, and I keep my cold blue eyes on Liam.

"If that's the case, then you two will have no problem watching a movie with us tonight, in Niall's hotel room, after our meetings and interview," Liam says and I can hear the challenge in his voice.

"How is that going to prove anything?" I ask incredulously. "It will prove that your attitude hasn't changed and you still like to hang out with your fellow band mates, dumbass," Liam answers my question.

"Whatever, I'll be there," I say and ignore him as he keeps talking and I walk out of the room, not caring to be in there with Liam any longer.

I shuffle down the hallways backstage, knowing I should be in the room getting ready for the interview.

Dumbass. Stupid. What's wrong with you? You know that was exactly what Liam was thinking the entire time. He even called you a dumbass didn't he?

He didn't mean it literally.

Or did he? I mean, he has been on your case a lot lately.

Yeah? It's all because of you and you making me shut them all out.

It's not my fault at all. You're still talking to Harry, even though he thinks you're ugly. He doesn't even like you, why do you even believe him when he says he loves you.

H-He does love me.

You stuttered.

It's in my own goddamn head it doesn't matter if I stutter. You can't even stutter with thoughts!

You're trying to change the subject, because you know it's true. You don't deserve someone as beautiful as Harry. You're just a piece of shit, so he feels sorry for you.

Stop it.

Harry doesn't care for you. He never has and he never will. You might as well just get used to it now.

Please, just leave me alone.

"Louis!" I hear the voice behind me, snapping me from my thoughts. I turn around to be met with arms wrapped tightly around me.

I just let myself be held, keeping my hands in my pockets and my face in a straight line.

Harry doesn't deserve me.

"I was looking all over for you, Boo. Why did you leave?" He mumbles into my neck. I don't respond and he slowly pulls away from me, looking at my face.

He doesn't care.

"Boo, what's wrong?" He asks softly, reaching his hand up and cupping my face, running his thumb over my cheek.

He thinks I'm a piece of shit, how could I be so stupid.

"Boo?" He asks, even softer and that's when I break. The tears start falling down my face and I break down, full-on sobbing.

Harry gently brings me down to the floor and pulls me into his lap, cradling me as I sob into his chest. He whispers things into my ear and I try to focus on his voice, but the tears just keep falling down my face.

"They said you hate me. They said you have never cared for me and you never will. I look like shit compared to you. You are so beautiful and I don't deserve you. I'm just a depressed freak who got raped and it just makes everything worse. I'm never cared for. I'm always dumped after people are done with me. Nobody wants to be with a depressed piece of shit like me. I'm just a fuck-up and everything is my fault. I'm letting everyone down, and it's all my fault. Why are you even still here? I was raped. You are supposed to hate me. I'm disgusting. I have had hands run over my body, use parts of my body that are supposed to be saved for love. I trusted someone for one time and then it was stripped from me. I can see it in everyone's eyes. They know how ugly I am. They know how terrible my voice is. Why do you think I have the least solos out of everyone? They're not even solos, most of them, because people sing back-up behind me. I'm a disgusting freak and you're still sitting here listening to me," I take a deep breath and let more tears fall down.

"Baby, why do you think these things? You are the sunshine. Your smile lights me up and just seeing you makes me happy. You're so beautiful. I wish you could see how beautiful you are. Your voice is the only thing I want to hear. I don't hate you for being raped. It wasn't your fault at all. I love you so, so, so much baby. God, I love you so much," he says and presses kisses down my neck, before burying his curly head into my neck.

"The other boys just don't understand, because you haven't told them. They still love you too, Boo. They miss you and want you to return back to your old self," he continues softly and I freeze, knowing he's got me.

"I know," I say and Harry wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. He presses our lips together and we stay like that for a few minutes.

"I was supposed to find you to bring you back, because you have to get ready for the interview," he says and I sigh. "Oh yeah, we still have an interview," I mutter, to myself mostly. He motions for me to stand up off his lap, which I do and he stands up as well.

"I know I look like I've been crying," I say and Harry turns his head to look at me. "It's not super, super noticeable, but yeah, you can kind of see it," he says honestly, which I thank him for.

He reaches his hands up and wipes the tears from under my eyes and then smiles. I smile too, and he gives my nose a short kiss.

"I love you," he says, making my smile widen. "I love you, too," I say and we walk back to the dressing room together.

-

"Just pick a movie!" Zayn says to Niall as he stares indecisively at 5 different movies to rent. "Okay, okay!" Niall responds and then chooses one.

He confirms the purchase to rent it and then it starts playing. It's a somewhat-horror movie, I think, but it's not exactly a horror movie.

I think.

But then again I didn't actually get to read what the description was. I curl up into Harry and spy the popcorn in his lap.

"Go ahead, eat some. I want you to eat some, please?" He whispers softly in my ear and I blush when I realize he caught me staring.

"O-okay, for you," I whisper back and he smiles. I reach my hand in the bowl and pick up some popcorn pieces, sticking them in my mouth one at a time. I manage to enjoy it and I move back to watch the movie.

-

I quietly gasp as the main girl leaves her house in the middle of an argument with her boyfriend. Harry has his arms wrapped around and I'm curled into him.

The girl starts walking around the streets and then she passes by an alley. My breath hitches as someone grabs her and pulls her into the alleyway.

The man starts kissing her and chuckling and I close my eyes, whimpering softly and curling into Harry. I try to block out the still recent memories that are flooding back through my mind, but I can't.

"Niall, stop the movie!" I faintly hear Harry yell and I can feel tears falling down my cheeks. "No, no, no, no, no," I repeat over and over, shaking my head as I can feel the hands roaming around my body, thirsty with lust.

"Just stop the goddamn movie!" I hear faint yells again and then I feel hands on my body. "Let go of me! No! Please just let me go!" I scream at the lustful hands that are now gripping my arms.

"Louis! It's me! Harry!" I hear the voice making it's way to my mind and I try to take deep breaths to calm myself down. I slowly come back to reality and I notice everyone's eyes on me.

I grip Harry's shirt and dig my head into it, still shaking my head as I can still feel the hands roaming my body. The memories are still in my head.

"Hazza, t-they are coming b-back," I whimper softly and I feel the strong arms wrap around me. "Make them go away," I cry into his chest and I feel the arms move underneath my back and under my legs.

"It's okay baby, I got you," he whispers and I keep my head into his chest, trying not to think of the other boys.

"I'm going to take him to bed, he's not stable enough right now. We'll, uh, see you guys tomorrow," Harry tells the other boys and I can almost sense their stares on us as Harry carries me to his hotel room, I'm assuming.

"Let's just try to get some sleep, baby. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know that happened in the movie. Oh my god, Niall is going to hear from me," he starts as he gently sets me down on the bed and crawls in next to me, pulling the blankets over us.

"N-Niall didn't know. Please don't get mad at him. He doesn't know anything, so he couldn't have known how the movie would have affected me and I don't even think he knew that the movie showed that," I try to convince Harry.

"You are too nice. You always stick up for people," Harry says, kissing my forehead and pulling me closer to him as I close my eyes and nod.

I slowly drift off to sleep, trying to keep the thought of nightmares from my head.


	7. Chapter 7

-Harry-

I wake up, unwillingly, and I stare up at the ceiling, making sure not to move so I don't wake Louis up.

He's so fragile right now, and it's killing me. Knowing that at any moment he is going to break down is something that I know will happen to him.

I take in a shuddery breath as I feel the tears come to my tired eyes. He's already woken up three times last night due to nightmares, and I know that the boys are going to be questioning us today, and I know Louis won't be able to handle it.

I turn to the small boy cuddled up next to me. His arms are curled up, gripping the blankets. I see his wrist and the fading cuts. I notice the white scars that litter across his wrist.

The tears start falling silently out of my eyes and I wipe them away. How could someone so beautiful like him, have so much pain be caused to him? Why did he feel the need to harm himself?

The same reason you did.

I shake my head, knowing those are memories that need to stay hidden from Louis for a long time. I need to be able to be a strong person for him to lean on and I can't be seen as a hypocrite to him.

I sigh and slowly move out of the bed, knowing I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep. I make sure Louis is still sleeping before I slip a shirt over my head.

I pull my shorts up and run a hand through my curls before grabbing my phone. I quickly find a pen and the hotel sheets of paper. I write Louis a quick note and I leave it on the table before I go out of the hotel room.

I pad my bare feet over to Niall's door and raise my fist up to knock on it. I check the time, seeing it is already noon and I knock on the door.

"Who is it?" I hear the Irish voice ask. "Housekeeping," I call out in a fake high voice and the door opens. "You could've just said Harry," Niall says and I step past him into his hotel room.

I see Liam and Zayn on the couch playing Fifa and I sigh, running my hands over my face. "Yeah, sorry," I say, a bit distracted.

Liam and Zayn pause the game and turn their heads over to me. "Nice of you to join us," Liam says as I plant myself on one of the chairs. I roll my eyes and the boys look at me expectantly.

"There something you want to tell us?" Zayn asks after it being silent. "I wish I could, but it's not mine to tell," I say and the boys' attitudes drop. "What is going on with him? He's different now, what's happened?" Niall asks and I shake my head, putting it into my hands.

"He's trying, he's trying so hard. He doesn't mean to snap at you guys, I swear. Please, you just have to be patient with him for a little while longer. I promise everything can just be back to normal," I plead with them and they raise their eyebrows.

"Okay, but it would be a whole lot easier if we knew what is going on," Liam says and I sigh. "I know, but I can't tell you. All I can do is ask if you guys can please just try to talk to him, but don't set him off," I direct the last part to Liam and he rolls his eyes.

"Okay, okay, I'll leave him alone," Liam says, getting the message. "Thanks guys, and I'm sorry for last night," I say and they shake their heads. "It's okay, I just wished we could have comforted him," Niall says, his face dropping.

"I know, Ni," I say softly. "That still doesn't explain what is going on between the two of you," Zayn says and I feel my cheeks heating up. "Nothing is going on," I mutter, trying not to let my cheeks become even redder.

"Bullshit," Liam says with a smile, knowing he has me, because I'm a blushing mess by now. "Nothing is going on, I swear," I say, but I'm smiling and my dimples are poking out and my cheeks are bright red.

"I can't take it anymore! Harry likes Louis!" Niall yells and I turn to glare at him, but I'm smiling too much, so it doesn't have the effect I wanted. "Niall!" I whine and Liam and Zayn look in between us. I shove my face into my hands as I hear Zayn and Liam coo at me.

"Our little Hawwy has a wittle crush!" They coo and I shake my head, keeping my blushing face in my hands. "Shut up!" I whine and Niall is laughing.

"He's got you whipped," Niall continues and I feel my cheeks heat up even more, if that's possible.

"I have to get back. We don't have anything today, right?" I try to change the subject and the boys stop cooing. "Yeah, today's a free day. And don't change the subject on us!" Liam says and I stand up out of the chair.

I block my hands over my ears. "La-la-la! I can't hear you!" I shout as I laugh along with them and I walk out of Niall's hotel room.

I uncover my ears as I step out into the hallway and I go over to my hotel room.

-Louis-

I wake up and feel myself slightly panic when I don't feel Harry next to me. I climb out of the bed and go out, searching for him. I spot a piece of paper on the table and I pick it up.

Good morning baby :) i just went over to talk to the boys for you because i dont want you panicking over it i should be back soon. Text me if you need anything. oh and eat a little bit of something? you can make tea and i think there is something in the fridge. I love you <3

I smile at his sweetness and I set the note back down on the table. I let Harry's sweater cover up my boxers and I let the sleeves fall over my hands.

I go over to the small hotel room kitchen and see the mini fridge. I open it and see some type of small snack. I take it out and frown when I realize that I'm going to eat this.

I put it back in the fridge, not feeling up to eating. I skip out on making tea and I close my eyes as memories from last night flood back.

I let the tears fall down my cheeks and I take in a shuddered breath. I go over to the bathroom and I check the time. Harry shouldn't be here for awhile.

I go into the bathroom and I find the object I'm looking for. I hold the razor in my hand and I skillfully take the blade out, having done it so many times.

I grip the blade with a shaky hand and I roll up my boxers, revealing my thighs.

Harry's going to be furious with you.

I can't help it, this will help take away the pain of the memories.

Of course it will.

Yes, so leave me alone. I'm doing what you want me to, aren't I?

Oh yes, but if you really wanted to please me, then you could kill yourself.

Go away now.

I'm just telling you my thoughts.

Well shut up.

I try to still my shaky hand and I bring the blade to my thigh. I press it down into the skin and drag it across, creating a thin red line.

I smile to myself at the familiar feeling of the skin ripping under the blade. I move to cut another line. And another. And another. My skin is craving for me to slice it and I give in.

I hear the hotel door open, but I don't stop. I can't stop. My hand is moving by itself, creating more and more red lines across my fat thighs.

I hear the gasp from the doorway and I feel the blade slapped out of my hand. I feel the hot tears falling down my face. I hear my voice screaming for the blade. My voice screams for the intruder to give me back my blade, because I'm not done marking my skin. I'm not done showing my body how ugly it really is.

The blood is rushing from my cuts and I feel it smear on the boxers as I try to frantically grab for the blade again. Hands on my wrists stop me and the tears fall down my face harder.

I sob and I feel my body being pulled into a lap. I curl up into the familiar chest as I sob. I relapsed. I'm so stupid. I can't even stay clean for a week.

"I'm so sorry, Boo," the familiar voice is repeating over and over as he rocks us back and forth. I feel the blood still seeping out and I think Harry notices, because he lifts me up and sets me on the toilet.

He is grabbing toilet paper and I feel it being pressed to the cuts. The blood slowly comes to a stop, much to my dismay, and I feel the arms wrap around me and lift me up, carrying me back to the bed.

"This was all my fault, I'm so sorry," he repeats, the words just keep spilling from his mouth. I'm too tired to argue with him and he cradles me into him on the bed and I close my eyes.

I'm tired, emotionally and physically, so I let myself go to sleep again.


	8. Chapter 8

-Louis-

I wake up and notice that Harry isn't next to me. I take a deep breath as I remember the familiar sting of my fresh cuts on my thighs brushing against the blankets. I close my eyes and try not to cry as I think about Harry will react, if he is even still here.

I slide out of the bed and slowly walk out to the other room of the hotel. I see Harry sitting on the couch, staring at the wall.

I clear my throat and he turns his head to face me. "Hi," I say softly, gripping my hands together nervously. "I made you some dinner," he says.

"I know you're disappointed in me," I say, trying to change the subject. "I'm not disappointed. I'm a little bit mad, but at myself because I shouldn't have left you alone after what happened," he says and I shake my head. "It's not your fault," I say and he sighs.

"I made you dinner," he says again. "I'm not hungry," I say and he sighs. "Louis, you need to eat," he says and I shake my head. "I can't," I say and he closes his eyes. "Just eat the damn food I made!" He says, raising his voice a little and I flinch slightly at his loud voice.

He groans, frustrated, and puts his head in his hands. "I'm not eating," I say, standing by my ground. "Fine!" He shouts and stands up off the couch. I try to stand tall as he walks towards me.

I hold my breath, waiting for something to happen, but Harry just walks past me, towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I ask, my voice wavering. "Out," he says simply and he walks out the door, letting it slam behind him.

I stare after him before sinking to the floor and curling my knees into my body. I let the tears fall down my face.

He's mad at me.

He's left me. 

-Harry-

I groan as I punch the wall by the lift. I'm so fucking stupid. He's going to cut himself again, because I just left him.

I tug at my curls as the lift opens and I step into it, pulling out my phone. I scroll through my contacts before landing on the one I need. I press the button for the lobby and I hold my phone to my ear.

"Hey!" The cheerful Irish voice floods through the speaker. "Niall, listen. I need you to go into my hotel room and stay with Louis. Don't let him out of your sight, okay? Don't ask him what happened or anything, I just need you to stay with him," I say quickly. "Uh, okay? Why? Where are you Harry?" He asks.

"I just need some space to think. We got into sort of a little fight, but please just stay with him, and whatever you do don't let him out of your sight," I say. "Okay, I'm heading over there right now," he says and I sigh in relief.

"Thank you. Oh! And make sure he eats the dinner that is sitting in the kitchen. Don't let him persuade you to let him not eat it. Make sure he eats it," I say and I hear Niall hum.

"Got it. Don't do anything stupid, Harry," he says. "I know," I say and then we exchange goodbyes and I hang up.

The lift doors open and I stumble out, my eyes on my phone as I try to type a message to Louis. I bump into someone, right as I send the message and I look up to see Paul.

"Harry? Where are you going?" Paul asks and I look out the lobby doors to see the sun low in the sky. "I just need to go on a walk, to clear up my head," I say and Paul sighs. "You can't go alone. C'mon, I'll walk with you," he says and I nod. "Thank you," I say and he gives me a small smile. "The things I do for you boys..." He trails off with a chuckle and walks behind me as I exit the hotel.

The fans start screaming, but are blocked off by these road block things. I turn to walk down the sidewalk and Paul keeps the fans away from me as I pull my hood up over my beanie, slipping a pair of sunglasses on and stick my hands in my pockets, keeping my head down.

Paul keeps the fans away, which I'm grateful for, because I will most likely snap at them if I talk to them now, and I don't want to do that to any of them. I block out all the screaming and think about what just happened.

I had to leave Louis there, because I didn't want to yell at him and do something that I would regret. I was already on edge, because he cut again, and I wasn't there to watch him.

I told him that I was going to take care of him, and I let him down. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment before opening them again. I just hope Niall can keep Louis company for me.

I see a small, hole-in-the-wall coffee shop and I make a motion to Paul that I'm going in. The fans have somewhat died out, leaving Paul to just walk behind me.

I enter the coffee shop, a bell ringing over my head and I immediately smell the coffee beans being roasted. I enjoy the warmth of the place and the bell rings again as Paul, I'm assuming, enters in after me.

I go up and I order a tea before I go to sit down at a table. Paul sits at a table a little ways away from me, and pulls out his phone, giving me my privacy.

I sigh and close my eyes, leaning back in the seat. Louis will understand that I had to leave, because I didn't want to snap at him and cause him any pain.

At least, I hope he will understand.

I open my eyes to see the waiter bring my cup of tea over and I thank him as he nods, returning back to behind the counter.

There is no one else in here and I watch outside at the people walking by. The sun is setting and I look at the orange glows scattered across the sky. I'm surprised this coffee shop is still open, as it is pretty late in the day.

I take a sip of my tea as I check my phone. I don't see any new messages or calls, so I hope that that means Niall is keeping Louis busy.

I sigh and rest my head in my hands, ignoring the concerned look Paul gives me.

I hold my tea in my hands and clear my thoughts from my head, forcing myself to relax.

-Niall- (oh snap what a surprise)

I slip on shoes as I hang up the phone with Harry. I sigh as I stuff my phone in my pocket. I take the spare key card for Harry's room that Paul left with me, just in case we needed to wake them up again.

I go out of my hotel room and head over to Harry's. I slip the key card in the door and take a deep breath, before opening it.

I see a body curled up on the floor, knees pulled to chest, with his head resting in between his knees. I throw the key card on the table and walk over to the shaking body.

I sigh as I see the phone lying next to him and I see his brunette hair sticking up in all directions.

I let myself crouch down to the floor. "Louis..." I trail off, not knowing what to say to him. "What do you want?" He asks, his voice trying to be strong, but I hear the tears behind it.

I gently wrap my arms around him and pull him into me. He starts sobbing again and I pull him into my lap, sighing as I kiss the top of his head.

"It's alright, Lou. It's gonna be okay," I try to whisper soothing things to him as I stroke his hair. His sobs slowly come to a stop and I pull his body gently away from mine so I can look at him.

"He left me," Louis whimpers and I shake my head firmly. "No, he didn't. I promise. He just wanted to clear his head, okay? He is coming back, I promise," I say and Louis sniffs before nodding.

"Okay," he whispers and I give him a smile. "C'mon, Harry told me to feed you the dinner he made and we can watch a movie," I say and Louis shakes his head.

"I'm not hungry," he says and I frown. "Nope, Harry told me to make sure you eat, no matter what you say, so I have to fulfill my duties," I say, poking his cheek. He gives me a small smile and nods. "Okay, fine," he gives in and I laugh, clapping my hands together.

"Yes! Let's get the food and then go to the couch and we can watch a movie!" I say, a bit too excitedly. Louis chuckles and nods, following me into the small hotel kitchen.

-Louis-

I hear my phone ding and I shoot my head up, hoping it's Harry. I grab it from my spot on the floor and see it is a message from Harry. I eagerly click on it, but frown at what it says.

Niall is coming over to stay with you, be nice to him, I called him and told him to take care of you. I love you.

I sigh, knowing that wishing for him to come back was too much. At least I know that he still cares for me.

I set my phone next to me and rest my head in my knees again, just as the hotel room door opens. I know it is Niall and he pulls me into his chest. This causes me to cry harder and I'm sobbing into his chest as he tries to comfort me.

He reassures me that Harry just needed to clear his head, and I try to believe him. He says that Harry told him to make sure I eat and I sigh, knowing there is no way to get around him, so I follow him into the mini-kitchen.

I see the plate of food sitting on the table and Niall picks it up, sticking a finger in it and frowns. "It's cold," he says and moves over to the microwave to heat it up.

The microwave heats the food up a little and then Niall carries the plate back to the couch. I sit down on the couch and Niall hands me the plate. He grabs the remote and turns on the telly, moving to rent a movie.

He scans through and picks some comedy. He looks to me to make sure it is okay and I nod. He smile and chooses it.

I pick at my food, only eating a few bites. Niall notices and gives me a disapproving glance. I sigh and eat about a quarter of the plate before setting it down on the table.

Niall looks at it and then back up to me and sighs, but he doesn't make me eat anymore.

I curl into the couch as I watch the movie. I feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier and I close them, letting myself fall asleep.

-Harry-

I thank Paul before going over to my hotel room door. I slip my key card in and open it, taking a deep breath as I step through.

I see Niall sitting in the couch and he turns to me when he hears the door opening. I see him watching some kind of movie and I smile at him. He looks down at the figure lying on the couch and he turns off the telly as I walk towards them.

I see that Louis is asleep and I smile at his small figure. Niall stands up and walks towards me, patting my back. "He ate about a quarter of his food and he fell asleep during the first movie, but I just kept him on the couch so I could keep an eye on him, like you said," he says and I nod, giving the Irish lad a hug.

"Thank you, Ni. Was he nice to you?" I ask and Niall nods. "Yeah, he was on the floor crying when I first walked in though. He started sobbing when I pulled him into me and he kept going on about how you left him. He just kept repeating "He left me," over and over, so I had to reassure him that you were coming back. He really needs you Harry," Niall says and I feel my heart ache. "I know," I whisper and Niall gives me one last hug.

"I'll leave you two alone, and remember, we only have one interview tomorrow, and it's not a televised one, so it's in the afternoon," Niall reminds me and I thank him again before he goes out.

I turn back to the sleeping boy and sigh. I gently lift him into my arms and he shifts, but he doesn't open his eyes. I carry him to my bed and I gently set him down. I take off my clothes, staying in my boxers and I climb in next to him.

I pull his body into mine and I feel him shift again and his breath hitch, before it goes back to its normal breathing pattern.

I press my lips to his forehead and snuggle my head into his shoulder as my arms pull him into me.

"I love you," I whisper, even though I know he's asleep. "You came back," I hear a faint whisper and I smile, knowing he woke up.

"Always," I assure him and place a kiss on his lips. He snuggles into my arms more and I pull him even closer.

"I love you, too," he says and then I let myself fall asleep, for the second time that day.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is you chapter :) BEWARE SHIT GOES DOWN OKAY DONT SAY I DIDNT SAY I DIDNT WARN YA SHIT ONLY GOES DOWN IN THIS CHAPTER DONT SAY I DIDNT SAY I DIDNT WARNNNN YAAAAAAAAAA SO LARRYS GONNA BE FOREVER NOT GONNA GO DOWN IN FLAMES YOU CAN TELL ME WHEN THEY COME OUT IF THE LOVE WAS WORTH THE PAIN GOT A LONG LIST OF CUTE TWEETS BUT HARRYS GOT THE DIMPLES BABY AND LOUIS WILL WRITE HIS NAME WITH A TRAMPSTAMP ON HARRYS BUM
> 
> im so sorry if you read that i really am

-Louis-

I wake up in Harry's arms and immediately snuggle in closer to him. He stirs and pulls me tighter to his chest and I sigh, wrapping my arms around him.

"I'm sorry I left you yesterday," he mutters and I shake my head. "No, it's okay, you just needed to clear your head, I understand," I say and Harry sighs, burying his face into my neck.

"You're so understanding," he mumbles and I giggle. "I can't tell if that's good or bad," I say and Harry looks up at me and smiles. "Definitely good," he says, pressing a small kiss to my lips.

"Do we have to get up?" I ask softly, curling back into Harry's bare chest. "Yeah, we got an interview, but it's just for some news website, no big televised one," Harry says, groaning. "Can we just stay here," I ask softly, not wanting to get up and face the world.

"I'm sorry, Boo, but you know how it is," Harry tells me, stroking my hair. I sigh and nod. "Yeah, I know," I say and Harry pulls my body close to his in a hug before releasing me. "C'mon let's go get ready, I'm sure we have to leave soon," he says and I slowly roll over in the bed, pulling the sheets up to my chin as Harry gets out of it.

"C'mon Lou," Harry sighs and I groan, squeezing my eyes shut. "You go take a shower and wake me when you're done and then I'll get up to take one," I say and Harry sighs. "Okay fine, you're lucky I love you," he says and I smile as I try to get 10 more minutes of sleep.

All too soon, Harry is shaking me awake, telling me to get in the shower as water droplets fall onto my face from his wet hair.

I eventually get out of the bed and trudge towards the shower, stripping off my clothes and stepping into it.

I let the water run over my body for a minute, letting it wake me up. I then proceed to wash my hair and my body and then I step out, wrapping a towel around my waist after I dry off and I go back to the bed.

"I'm stealing your clothes again," I say and Harry laughs at me as I go through his suitcase, still wearing just a towel around my waist.

I emerge from his suitcase with a sweater, jeans, and a pair of boxers before I quickly slip the clothes on, ignoring Harry's stares.

"Maybe I should start packing double, since you just wear all my clothes anyways," Harry says and I nod, giving him a smile. "Yeah, I think that would be best," I agree and Harry rolls his eyes.

There's a knock on the door and Harry groans before walking over and out of the bedroom, opening the hotel room door. I throw my towel into the bathroom and leave it on the floor, signaling the maids that they can take it for wash. (I don't mean to make louis sound stuck up here i mean you know like in the hotels they say, 'put the towels you want to keep on the rack and put the ones that are dirty on the floor' and stuff like that okay someone tell me they understand this)

I run my hand through my wet hair and find my pair of Vans next to the bed. I slip them on and I go out of the bedroom to see Niall and Liam sitting on the couch with Harry.

"Hey Louis," Niall says to me cheerfully. My mine tells me to ignore him or snap at him, but I can't bring myself to, because he did help me yesterday. I mean, if Niall wasn't there yesterday, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

"Hey Nialler," I tell him with a smile and everyone's eyes grow wide as they stare at me, including Niall's.

"Um," I shift uncomfortably as I sit on a chair and Niall shakes his head, as if to clear his mind. "Right, uh, how're you feeling?" He asks and I let my responses go through my mind.

Do it, snap at him.

No, you don't control my life anymore.

You weren't thinking that yesterday when you were slicing your thighs open.

Just get the fuck out of my head.

Fine, people are so rude these days.

"Louis?" Harry asks and I blink my eyes, noticing the boys staring at me, awaiting my answer. Harry's eyes drift down to my arm and I notice my fingernails digging into my wrist. I quickly pull my hand away and grip my sleeve down. I didn't even notice I was doing that.

"I'm doing okay, I'm glad Harry came back though," I say softly, answering Niall and Liam just stares back and forth between the three of us.

"Am I missing something?" Liam asks confused. "Nothing important," Harry reassures Liam and Liam shakes his head, smirking at us. "You all are going to be the death of me," he says and we all laugh, me even letting a small chuckle escape my lips.

"Well, we should collect Zayn and then we should be getting picked up soon, if everyone is on time," Liam says and we all nod.

"Did you take your pills yet, Boo?" Harry asks me softly and I shake my head. "C'mon, I think they're in the kitchen," he says and I stand up as Harry walks over to me. He discreetly moves his hand to mine and gives it a squeeze before letting it drop back to his side. I look up at him and he gives me a proud smile.

"You talked to Niall, I'm so proud of you," he whispers into my ear and I blush, returning his smile with a small one. "Thanks," I mumble and he squeezes my hip.

"What pills?" Niall asks and I freeze. Harry looks at me and then back to Niall. "It's for his-uh-his allergies. They've been acting up, so the doctor prescribed him some allergy medicine," Harry explains and I gratefully send him a discreet 'thank you' with my eyes.

"Oh," Niall says and Liam nods. Harry leads me, by his hand on my back, into the kitchen. He finds the orange bottle and hands it to me. He gets a cup of water and I get one pill out. I hand Harry the orange bottle and he hands me the cup.

I take the pill and swallow, Harry taking the cup from me and resting his hands on my waist. "Does it hurt?" He asks softly and I slowly shake my head.

"It only gets a little sore when I have to use the bathroom, or when something hits it, but other than that, it's okay," I explain and Harry leans down, pressing a kiss to my lips.

"Okay, as long as it doesn't hurt too bad, then I guess you're okay," he says, resting his forehead against mine. "Yeah," I mumble and let my breath mix with Harry's.

"Oi! C'mon lovebirds!" Niall calls, making me blush and Harry laughs, pushing me out the door. Niall reaches his arm around my shoulders and pats my back.

"Young love! It's a beautiful thing!" He continues and I feel my cheeks turn an even brighter shade of pink. "Shut up," I mumble and Harry laughs loudly at my reaction, pushing past me and Niall and going to walk next to a confused Liam.

Niall gives my shoulders one last squeeze and removes his arm from around my shoulders. "It's good to see the real you again," he whispers softly, so just us two can hear.

"Yeah, I-uh-I know," I mutter and Niall gives me a small smile as Liam knocks on Zayn's door. Harry turns around and gives me a cheeky smile before turning back to Zayn's closed hotel room.

The door opens and Zayn is standing there, fully dressed. "We leaving?" He asks sleepily and Liam nods.

"Okay, let me just grab my phone," Zayn disappears and then returns moments later. "Hey Harry, Niall, Louis, nice to see you all up," Zayn acknowledges the rest of us, his lingering on me standing next to Niall, his eyes confused as Niall places his arm around my shoulders again and I don't snap at him.

"Hey Zayn!" I say, a small smile on my face. He looks taken aback, but then his face turns into a bright smile. "Hey mate!" He says, happier this time.

I chuckle and Niall turns us around and leads us down the hallway. We go into the lift and down to the lobby.

Harry squeezes my hand as we exit the lift and I keep walking next to Niall, knowing the Irishman is indeed the only other person I would completely trust right now, if Harry were to go somewhere.

We meet Paul and a few other body guards in the lobby, as they were waiting for us. They motion to the black cars waiting outside and I stay close to Niall, knowing Harry and I won't be allowed in the same car.

Niall notices and wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in closer to him.

"Alright, Louis and Zayn in one car and you other three in the other," Paul instructs and I stiffen a little. Niall and Harry notice and they both go to protest, but Harry lets Niall talk.

"Hey Paul, Louis and I are gonna go in a car and Zayn can take my place in the other car, if that's okay?" Niall offers and Paul looks in between my scared look and Niall's pleading eyes and eventually nods.

"Uh, yeah, okay, whatever, let's just go," he says, confused and Niall squeezes my shoulder. I give him a grateful look and he gives me a soft smile.

We are accompanied by two bodyguards and we are lead into the screaming crowds of fans. We eventually make it into the car and Niall sits himself right next to me. The fans bang on the windows and I rest my head on Niall's shoulders.

"It's okay Lou, you can trust me," Niall says, stroking my hair. I nod and pull out my vibrating phone, seeing a text from Harry.

Harry:

You okay in there?

I smile at his concern and quickly type a response, ignoring Niall peering at my phone.

Louis:

Yeah, i can trust niall its okay i feel safe with him

I send it and I feel Niall squeeze my shoulder. "You can always feel safe with me," he says and I give him a smile. "I know," I say and he nods.

"Thank you, by the way, for yesterday," I say and Niall looks surprised at first but then he nods. "It was no problem really, Harry was the one who told me to come over," Niall says and I nod. "Yeah, I know," I mutter and Niall winks at me.

"Sooo, gimme all the gossip! What's going on with you two?" Niall asks in a girly voice and I groan lifting my head off of Niall's shoulder. "Niall!" I whine and he just laughs at my blushing face.

"Please? Please, tell me? I won't tell anyone, I promise!" He pleads and I groan, putting my face in my hands.

"Fine! Okay, I'll tell you!" I give in and Niall cheers. "Harry and I are together," I mumble and it takes Niall a moment to register it before his entire face breaks into a smile. "I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!" He says, bouncing in his seat. I laugh at his reaction and he pokes my blushing cheeks.

"You two are so cute together, definitely my otp!" Niall continues fangirling and I just shake my head, putting it back in my hands.

"Harry wouldn't tell me, because he said that he didn't want to say anything unless you approved," Niall goes on and I look at him. "Harry talks about me to you?" I ask and Niall nods. "All the time, he won't shut up about you. I mean, he told me he liked you, but he never told me anything after that," Niall explains. "You really got yourself a good lad," Niall says and I nod. "Yeah, yeah I do," I agree, just as we pull up into the backstage place.

We quickly follow the bodyguards out and make our way inside the building. Niall stays close to me, for which I'm thankful and soon we are in a dressing room, with the other three boys already getting ready.

Harry gives me a cheeky grin and Niall nudges me. I blush and Niall bursts out laughing. Liam and Zayn look over at us, but then they look back down at the clothes they are trying to put on. Harry looks in between Niall and I and I shake my head.

I walk over to him, Niall trailing behind me. "I told him...about us," I whisper softly into Harry's ear and then pull away to see his reaction. His eyes goes wide and he stares at me.

"You did?" He asks, his face breaking into a smile as I nod. Harry wraps his arms tightly around me, making me take a few steps back to regain my balance. Niall is smiling giddily at us and I roll my eyes as I wrap my arms tightly around Harry.

We pull away and he looks at me. "I'm so proud of you. You're improving so much already," Harry whispers into my ear so no one else can hear.

"Couldn't have ever done it without you," I whisper back and Harry leans in, but I lean back. "The other boys are here," I whisper and Harry pouts as we pull away, thankfully Liam and Zayn too distracted by the clothes to notice what had just happened.

Sadly, Niall did notice.

"You made him sad, because you didn't let him kiss you," Niall says softly, coming closer to us two and I roll my eyes.

"Geez, you two think you're so damn secretive, but you are totally obvious," Niall continues and Harry is smiling at me, biting his lip as he tries not to laugh.

Our stylists come in right then and quickly get to work, getting us ready.

-

"Okay, so the interviewer is just finishing up getting ready and he will be out, so if you guys can just wait right here, that would be great," one guy, the director I guess, tells the five of us as we sit on the long couch.

Harry couldn't convince management to let him sit next to me, so I had to settle with sitting next to Niall instead.

Harry keeps glancing over at me and I give him reassuring smiles, which he returns with grim ones.

"Okay, here he comes, and we will get this interview on the road!" The director calls out and we all watch the door as it opens to reveal the interviewer.

My breath catches in my throat as I immediately recognize who it is. My hands start sweating and I don't realize I'm shaking until Niall places a hand on my arm.

"Louis? Louis, what's wrong?" Niall asks frantically and I see Harry looking over at me worriedly from the opposite side of the couch.

I watch as the interviewers eyes connect with mine and he smirks evilly. I swallow and my nails are pressing into my arm again.

I feel memories flooding back into my brain and I can't focus as Niall is shaking me now. Harry is getting out of his seat and walking towards me, but I'm frozen as I watch the man that changed me completely.

Harry is knelt in front of me, his hands pulling my arms away from each other and he tries to get me to snap back to reality, but I'm frozen, staring into the cold eyes that used to be so kind to me. I watch as the interviewer steps closer towards us and I start shaking even more.

"Hello boys, I'm Jake," the interviewer says and my fears are confirmed as I feel the blood drain from my body.

It seems to all click for Harry then and he looks at me quickly and then back around at the interviewer, where my gaze is fixed on.

"You," Harry says darkly and I am still in a trance. "Yes me, I'll be interviewing you today," Jake says with a chuckle. The same chuckle that lured me in.

"No, you won't. You are the one who made him like this," Harry says, his voice deep and slow, him walking closer to Jake with each step until they are face to face, Harry slightly taller than him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jake says, but his smirk says otherwise. Niall moves his arm protectively around my shoulders as everyone in the room has their eyes on Harry and Jake.

"You fucking used him and lied to him and sold him! You made it so he can't trust anyone, not even his own friends! You made it so whenever someone does the slightest thing, it triggers memories for him! Memories that no one should have! And all for what? Twenty bucks so you could buy a few beers?" Harry is yelling now, and I'm still frozen in shock. I'm surprised no one has stopped this yet.

By now, Harry has backed the two of them up so Jake's back is against the wall. "You took advantage of him, because you knew he was emotionally weak and you took his trust and twisted it! You fucking kissed my boyfriend and then threw him like he was a piece of trash!" Everyone in the group gasps at this, but Harry doesn't stop.

"How does it feel to know that you ruined a beautiful, perfect human being? How does it feel to have caused so much physical and emotional pain to someone?" Harry asks and he brings his hands up and fists Jake's shirt, pinning him against the wall.

This snaps me out of my trance and I quickly stand up off the couch, shrugging Niall's arm off and rushing over to Harry, who is pressing the man's body harder and harder against the wall.

"Harry!" I shout, placing a hand on his shoulder. He turns his head to look at me, the anger in his eyes. I see the security walking towards us, but Niall, Liam, and Zayn tell them to hold off, keeping them away from us for the moment.

Harry's eyes soften when he sees the fear in mine and he lowers Jake to the ground, releasing his hold on Jake's shirt.

"But, he made you like what you are now, Boo," Harry says confused and I nod. "I know, but he also saved my life. If it weren't for him, I would be rotting in that alleyway by now. He is a gross, fucking douchebag asshole, but he saved my life as well," I explain and Harry's eyes soften.

I turn to look at Jake, who is leaning against the wall and all the memories rush back.

"The only reason I saved your ugly ass was because I didn't need to be hunted down for killing the world-famous boybander, Louis Tomlinson," Jake spits at me and I feel the tears prick my eyes.

"I mean, I bet nobody here knows what's on your stomach. Where most of the bleeding came from. Why the marks were so easy to draw blood from. I bet they don't know that you fucking cut yourself, because of the faggot you are and how much you hate yourself. I mean, who wouldn't hate you?" Jake continues and the entire room becomes silent.

The tears start dripping down my face and Jake smirks, knowing he's got me. He just told everyone my largest kept secret.

"I bet they don't know that I sold you. I sold you like you were a prostitute, I mean, which you practically are, so it wasn't much of a difference. Do they know how I sold you to two men who raped you? How their hands roamed your marked skin? How you were left, lying in a bloodied heap on the floor of the alley?"

My breathing becomes uneven as Jake continues throwing insults at me and I find my fingernails being pressed into my wrist again.

"Look, you're even hurting yourself right now. Little faggot can't even take the truth," Jake says and Harry has had enough. Harry lunges towards Jake, but Liam and Zayn are suddenly there, arms wrapped around Harry, holding him back.

Security break through and immediately take hold of Jake, putting his arms behind his back and holding him, dragging him away from us.

I sink to the floor, the tears flooding out of my eyes and I can feel the increased talking around us. I sob on the floor, and soon, arms are underneath my body, lifting me up and pulling me into their chest, resting me on their lap.

I try to fight them and push them away, but they just hold on tighter and I finally give in and just let myself sink into the arms of the boy who protects me.

"C'mon, we are gonna go home now," Harry whispers and I sniff, clutching tighter onto Harry's shirt. "Can we go back to home-home?" I ask, my voice shaky as the tears are still falling.

"Anything for you, baby, anything for you," Harry whispers into my hair, cradling me close to his chest.


	10. Chapter 10

-Harry-

Louis has fallen asleep from exhaustion and I gently lift him up off my lap and I carry him over to the couch, laying him down on it. I lean down and brush his hair off of his forehead before placing a kiss there and stand up, turning to face everyone.

Niall is crying with Liam and Zayn trying to comfort him, but they are tearing up as well so it isn't helping. Management people are talking rapidly and I can only pick up bits of the conversation. Security has taken Jake out of the building and the producer and cameraman are talking to each other lowly.

"Harry," I hear my name being called out and everyone silences down, turning to stare at me. "Yeah?" I respond to Liam and he looks up at me with hurting eyes.

"Is it-is it true-what Jake said-is it true?" He stutters and I look away from the sobbing Niall that is in Liam's arms and I blink back tears, nodding softly.

"Yeah, it's uh-it's true," I mutter and I hear Niall burst out in sobs again as Liam starts silently crying and Zayn letting tears fall down his face.

"Harry, we are going to need to discuss this, why haven't you told us this earlier?" Magee asks me and I start to get mad at management. "Because no one was supposed to know! Do you think you want everyone to know that you hate yourself and you harm your own body every single fucking day?! Do you want people to know that you were sold by someone you thought you could trust and that all rights were taken from you?! Do you want people to know that dirty hands have been over your body?! Do you think you want to fucking tell everyone that?!" I am yelling by the end and everyone is staring wide-eyed at me.

I try to slow down my heavy breathing from anger and I await them to answer me.

"Fine, we understand, but you couldn't have just kept it a secret forever," Magee says. "It isn't my secret to tell! Louis told me, because he trusts me! It's not my fault he doesn't trust pricks like you!" I yell and I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to see Liam staring at me with pleading eyes.

"I'm sorry, it's just, Jake set me off and he kept saying those things to Louis that no one should ever deserve to hear. He's so beautiful, yet Jake just ruined any progress I have made with Louis and I don't know what to do anymore," I say, the tears finally making their way down my face.

Liam sighs and pulls me into his chest. I bury my head into his shirt and let the tears fall as the tears rack through my body.

"It's so hard Liam, I have to stay strong for him, but I can't stay strong all the time, I-I have my struggles too," I say in-between tears and Liam strokes my head. "I know, Harry, I know," he whispers softly.

My sobs slowly come to a stop and I pull away from Liam, wiping my eyes. "We need a break, Magee, please. Louis isn't ready to go do 5 more interviews, he is just going to break down. Please just let us skip out on these last few interviews and just go home early," I plead with management and they all glance at each other.

"Fine, you guys can go home for the holidays early, but you have to be ready to get back to work for tour rehearsals in 3 days. Do you think you can do that?" Magee offers and I take a deep breath, running my hands through my hair.

"Yeah, I think we can," I say, looking at Liam, Niall, and Zayn who give me a nod. "Alright, then we will see you at rehearsals in three days," Magee says and I nod. "We will schedule your flight and let you know, but for now, the cars are waiting outside and you will just have to wait at the hotel," he says and I nod.

I slowly go over to the sleeping Louis and I kneel beside him. I gently shake his shoulder and he flutters his blue eyes open.

"Hazza?!" He asks panicked and I quickly shush him, reassuring him that I'm right here. He quickly wraps his arms around my neck and I wrap my arms around him, moving to sit on the edge of the couch next to him.

"We are going to go back to the hotel right now, while management is going to rearrange our flight and we are flying home, but we have to be back at tour rehearsals in three days," I explain and Louis nods.

"Can I go back to my real home...with you?" He asks and I nod quickly. "If that's where you want to go, then absolutely," I say and he smiles. "Good," he says and I reach out and stroke his hair, before standing up. I ignore everyone's eyes on us and I know that Louis hasn't noticed them yet.

"We have to go back out to the cars now, okay?" I tell him gently and he nods. I hold my hands out and he takes them, pulling himself up off the couch.

He turns around and sees everyone staring at us. I silently curse and he turns his head into my chest, whimpering softly.

"Shh Boo, it's okay, they won't hurt you," I whisper softly and he shakes his head, clenching my shirt. I sigh and wrap my arm around him.

"Niall, Liam, Zayn, you guys can go in one car right?" I ask and they nod. I send them a thank you with my eyes and they give me a sad smile.

Niall steps forward and reaches his hand out to touch Louis, but Louis whimpers and leans away from Niall's touch and cowers into me.

I give Niall an apologetic look as he frowns and tears threaten to spill out of his eyes again. Liam notices and quickly wraps his arms around the blonde boy. I sigh and keep my arm around Louis.

"Okay Boo, there are fans outside, but security should be able to keep them from mobbing you, so you just have to make it to the car. I will be right behind you," I tell him, gently putting some space between us.

He bites his lip and nods, staring out the window at the crowds of fans whom have somehow managed to find us.

-Louis-

I stare out at the screaming crowd and I look to Harry again for reassurance. He gives me a soft smile and I take a deep breath. We all slip sunglasses on, to try and hide our red eyes from all the crying. I sigh before security opens the door and we walk out.

The fans immediately crowd around and I try not to panic. The paparazzi are snapping pictures with their stupid flash cameras in my face. The fans manage to push through the security and I feel hands all over me. I am mentally screaming and I just want them to stop. I just want the hands to stop touching my body. I just want to not have these memories flooding back. My breathing increases as more and more fans crowd around me and I finally lose it.

"Can everybody just stop touching me!" I yell and immediately, everyone stops. I feel my hands shaking and the fans slowly back away from me. I feel the tears start running down my face again and I put my head down, ignoring the camera flashes and I frantically wipe my cheeks to get rid of the tears as I push my way to the car.

I quickly get in and I curl up into the seat as the tears fall down my face. I can still feel the hands touching my body, everywhere. I feel their greedy hands trying to get something that isn't theirs.

I feel the arms wrap around my body as the car starts to move slowly.

"Oh Boo," Harry whispers as my body is pulled into him. I sob into his shirt and he just strokes my back, whispering soft 'I love you's in my ear.

"I'm so sorry, I thought security would keep them off of you," he says and I shake my head. "I'm so stupid. I yelled at them. They probably all hate me now, at least, the ones that don't already. C'mon Harry, this just gives them another reason to make me their least favorite out of the group. No wonder I'm the one who is left out among our fans," I cry and Harry protests.

"No, it's not your fault, please baby, stop blaming yourself for everything. None of this is your fault," he says and I just say okay, because it will make him happy and I'm too tired to argue.

"I know you don't believe me, but you are so beautiful and amazing, and you're perfect to me. Perfect in the way that not society sees, because society's views are fucked up anyways, but in my view. In my eyes, you are perfect and that is what matters. I love you so much and I'm going to marry you one day, I promise you that. I love you and I am never letting you go, okay?" He says and I snuggle up into him, my tears dried by now.

"Okay," I whisper and close my eyes. Harry kisses the top of my hair, noticing how tired I am. "Go to sleep, yeah? I'll carry you when we get to the hotel," he says and I shake my head. "You can't do that, the cameras will become suspicious," I protest and Harry sighs.

"Then I'll get Preston to give you a piggy-back ride," he says and I nod, yawning. Harry guides my head to his lap and I close my eyes, resting as the car drives along the road.

I wake up as my body is bouncing. I am on a back and fans aren't mobbing me, but they are screaming. I wince and keep my eyes closed. I feel a hand brush my back, and I know it's Harry's.

The screams get muted and I guess that we are in the hotel lobby now. I am set down and then I'm picked up again, but this time, it's with their arms underneath my knees and my back.

"Up to my room?" Harry whispers and I nod, curling into his chest. He chuckles lightly and we go into the lift as he carries me up to his room.

He slides his key card in, having to set me down on the floor. I slowly shuffle into the room and I head straight to the bed. I take off my sweater and slip off the jeans I'm wearing, leaving them on the floor.

I climb into the bed in just my boxers and snuggle underneath the blankets. Harry follows me and he brings me close to his bare body.

I curl into him and he repeatedly places kisses to my forehead. "I love you so, so much," he whispers and I smile. "I love you too," I whisper and he just continues kissing my forehead before finally he stops and hums a soft song.

His voice lulling me to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you have not lived until you have heard your world geography teacher call getting a hard-on, 'a man getting the jollys'

-Harry-

I feel a hand shaking my shoulder and I groan, rolling onto my back and squinting my eyes open, the room lit up.

"Yeah?" I ask sleepily and I see Niall next to the bed, his arm back at his side. "I hate to do this, but we have to be at the airport in an hour," he says softly, so he doesn't wake up Louis.

I groan and close my eyes again. "What time is it?" I ask, my voice thick with sleep. "11pm, I'm sorry dude," he says and I shake my head. "No, it's okay, we meeting in the lobby?" I ask, my eyes still closed.

"Yeah, in half an hour," he says and I nod. "I'll leave you two," Niall says and he turns to walk away. "Niall?" I call out softly and he stops walking. I open one eye again to see him turned to look at me.

"I'm sorry about Louis cowering away from you earlier. He doesn't mean it, Jake just scarred him again and we lost all our progress. Please don't take it to heart, I know you are the one he will trust if I'm not there," I say and Niall nods. "Yeah, I know, but it still hurts," he says and I nod.

"I know, I'm so sorry, but we can fix it. We can make things right again," I say and Niall nods. "Yeah, we can," he says. "Okay, I'll let you get ready," I say and he nods before turning and walking back out of my hotel room.

I slowly turn over back to Louis and I gently rest my hand on his shoulder. "Lou, baby, we gotta wake up," I say, shaking him softly. When I see no movement from him, I sigh.

I get up off the bed and fumble around the nightstand and grasp a hairband. I wrap my hair in a bun and go over to my suitcase. I pull out a sweater and a pair of joggers and I set them on the bed for Louis. I slip on a pair of black jeans and a sweatshirt before going through my hotel room and packing up all my stuff.

I make sure Louis' suitcase, which we moved into my room yesterday, has all of his clothes and everything in it, before zipping it up.

I move both suitcases to the door and I check the time, seeing that we have to be down at the lobby. I leave Louis sleeping for a little bit longer as I exit my hotel room, carrying the suitcases. I go down the lift and I see Liam and Paul waiting in the lobby.

They look up when they see me and I run my hands over my tired face. I set the luggage next to them and I sigh. "I'm going to go get Louis now, we'll be down in five minutes," I say and they both nod, sending me a sad smile.

I turn around and go back to my hotel room. I go in towards the bed and I reach my hand out, shaking Louis' shoulder. "C'mon baby, we gotta get up now," I say softly. I shake him a little bit harder, after gaining no response and soon he is grumbling and he reaches up to rub his eyes.

"Mm, what time is it?" He asks sleepily and I glance at the clock. "Almost 11:45pm," I say and he closes his half opened eyes. "I want to sleep," he whines and I sigh.

"I know Boo, but we have our flight to catch and everyone is waiting in the lobby for us," I say and he groans. He scooches and sits up in the bed, letting his legs dangle off of it and I hold out my hands. He takes them and I pull him up, then letting my hands drift down his bare upper body and let them rest on his bare hips.

"There's clothes right there on the bed for you and I already packed up your luggage and brought it down to the lobby," I say softly and he nods. I lean down and kiss his lips gently before pulling away and reaching over him to grab the clothes.

I hand them to him and he takes them. I step away from him and he slips on the clothes, running a hand through his hair.

"Okay, I'm ready," he mumbles, his eyes half-closed. I grip his hand in my own and I do a quick eye check to make sure we didn't leave anything before exiting my hotel room. I shut the door and then Louis and I go down to the lobby.

Louis cowers into my body, seeing all the boys and I wrap my arm around him, pressing a kiss to his hair. "You're okay baby, they won't hurt you," I whisper softly to him and I walk over to approach them, with Louis curled into my side.

I hand Paul mine and Louis' room keys and he takes them, going to the front desk and checking us out of our rooms. I see Zayn lying on the couch, his music in his ears and his eyes closed. Niall is slouched in a chair, his eyes closed and his fist propping up his head. Liam is sitting on another couch, on his phone.

I lead Louis to an empty chair and I sit down, pulling him onto my lap. He curls into me and I keep my arms around him.

Liam glances over at us and sends me a fond smile. I shake my head discreetly at him and he winks. I just glare at him and he goes back to his phone, silently laughing.

Paul returns and shakes Zayn and Niall awake before telling us that the cars are here and we are ready to go. Security has already taken our bags as they are already on their way to the airport.

We are led, in between security, into the black cars. Louis goes in one with me, whilst the other three boys go in one, knowing that Louis won't be able to handle them.

Louis curls into my side and closes his eyes. I rest my head back as we drive through the crowds. We finally arrive at the airport and are escorted with security and soon, we are on the plane with Liam, Niall, and Zayn.

Louis has rested his head in my lap and is most likely asleep, as his eyes are closed and soft snores are escaping his body. My head is rested back and my eyes are closed as I see the other boys asleep as well.

I let myself drift to sleep, trying not to think of the hard three days ahead.

-Louis-

I am shaken awake by Harry and I quickly whimper as I sit up, moving my head from his lap to his chest. "We're gonna land soon, okay? Then it's off to home," he says and I nod, trying to keep my eyes away from the other boys.

He leans down and kisses the top of my head and I sigh as I lean into him more. He strokes my hair as I lean into him and I close my eyes at his touch.

Soon, we have landed and we are being escorted off the plane and into the airport. Our bags have already been picked up and they are already in our separate cars that are taking us to our separate homes.

Harry says goodbye to the boys and they try to say goodbye to me, but I whimper and curl into Harry. How do I know that I can trust them? I can't.

Harry sighs and then I hear the screaming fans outside. I look up at Harry with scared eyes and he pulls me close to him. "You'll be okay, just stay right here next to me and I'll protect you," he whispers and I nod, clinging my arms around him.

He wraps his arm around me and pushes up his sunglasses onto his nose. I do the same and then security leads us out. I close my eyes as the screams increase and I can feel the fans around me.

I try to focus on Harry squeezing my shoulder and I keep my eyes on the black car ahead of us, waiting. Security keeps most of the fans off of me, Harry helps too, and Harry gently pushes me into the black car before following me.

The door shuts and the screams are muted, but the fans are banging on the windows and taking pictures through them, even though the windows are tinted.

I lean into Harry and he kisses my head. "See, it wasn't so bad," he says and I shake my head. It wasn't as bad as the last time, but this was still bad.

I sigh and Harry leans down and kisses my lips. "You did good, I'm proud of you baby," he says and I give him a small smile. "Thanks Hazza," I say and he nods, pulling me into his chest.

The car has been trying to move and it is succeeding, moving one inch at a time. I watch as the fans bang the windows and try to take pictures and I wonder why.

Why do they want blurry, dark, low quality pictures of me? I'm ugly and fat and I'm not nice-looking in HD. Maybe that's why they only want blurry ones, so they can just say that they have a picture of me, but they don't actually have to look at it, because my ugliness is out of focus.

"Louis, stop," I hear Harry say and he pries my fingernails from my arm. I feel the tears prick my eyes as I realize what I was doing and he sighs. "It's okay baby," he whispers and I start to cry as I curl into his chest.

"I'm trying to stop, a-and I don't e-even notice that I'm doing it. W-what happens if you're not here? Nobody else will notice and I won't be able to stop myself," I ramble and Harry intertwines our fingers together, resting both of our hands in his lap.

"Boo, baby, all the boys know now, and I know you don't want to trust them, but they will do anything to help you, and you have to trust me on that," he says and I sigh. "It's all Jake's fault," I murmur, and Harry reaches out and wipes the tears from underneath my eyes.

"It is his fault, and it's not your fault. You were getting better and making progress, so we just have to get all that back. We can do that together, yeah?" He reassures me and I nod. "Yeah," I mumble and he smiles. "Good, now go ahead and get some more sleep, you have circles underneath your eyes," he says and I nod, yawning just as he mentions it. He chuckles and I curl up into his side as the car moves towards Harry's flat.

-Harry-

I sigh as I close my eyes before opening them back up again and unbuckling my seatbelt. I try not to disturb the beautiful boy sleeping on me as I gently slide his head off of me, and I slide out of the car.

I reach in and put my arms underneath him, gently picking him up. I frown at how light and skinny he is and shake my head as tears prick my eyes. I blink them back and I hear Louis mumbling to himself. I smile down at him and I notice how he grips my shirt.

I walk up to the door, still holding Louis and I gently set him down on his feet. He whines, but I get my keys out and unlock our door. He trudges inside and I go back to the car, grabbing our bags out of the trunk. I thank the driver before walking into my flat.

I set our bags by the front door and I call out Louis' name. "In the kitchen!" He replies and I make my way to the kitchen, seeing him sitting on the counter, watching the tea kettle on the stove.

"Would you like some breakfast?" I ask and he shakes his head. "At least eat a little bit of something?" I plead with him and he looks into my eyes. I stride over to him and step between his legs, cupping his two cheeks with my hands. "Please?" I ask softly.

"Okay," he says and I smile before leaning in and pressing my lips to his. His fingers go up to my curls and my hands slide down his face and down his chest, around to his back and then down to his bum.

He slips his tongue into my mouth and I slide my hands down into the back of his pants, giving his bum a soft squeeze.

I pull away and he whimpers as he opens his eyes pouts. "Why'd you do that?" He asks and I give him a sad smile. "I don't want to take it too far, your body is still hurting, I don't want to hurt you, baby," I say and he shakes his head, placing his forehead against mine. "You could never hurt me," he says and I close my eyes, wrapping my arms around his small waist.

"Plus, I think your tea is ready," I whisper and he giggles. "I'm trying to be sentimental here," he teases and I smile, backing away from him. He hops off the counter and I peck his lips. "I'm making breakfast, that's sentimental enough," I say and he rolls his eyes, grabbing the kettle off the stove and pouring it into his cup, pouring the rest into another cup, adding sugar and milk to the second cup.

"Can you make some oatmeal?" Louis asks softly, taking a sip of his tea as he goes back to sit on the counter. "If that's what you want, then of course," I say and he smiles, swinging his legs once he's on the counter.

I grab the oatmeal oats and I boil some water. I pour the hot water into two bowls and add the oats, letting the hot water cook the oats as I stir them.

I add a tiny splash of milk to each one and stir it up before grabbing the two bowls. Louis takes my tea and we go to sit on the couch.

I hand him his oatmeal as he hands me my tea. I take a sip of my sweetened tea and I smile at the taste. No one can make my tea like Louis does. I watch as he takes a few bites of his oatmeal and he glances at me.

"Stop staring, that makes me uncomfortable," he says and I pull him into my chest, careful not to spill his oatmeal. "I can't help it, you're so beautiful," I say, kissing the top of his head.

"Mm, this oatmeal is good," he says, changing the subject as he hims over the bite he just took. I sigh, but I let it go.

I eat my oatmeal quickly, and Louis finishes all of his. I pepper him with kisses and 'I love you's and 'I'm so, so proud of you, baby's, before I take his dirty dishes and I put them into the dishwasher.

He gently takes my hand and pulls me into a hug. I'm caught by surprise but I quickly nuzzle my head into his neck. "Thank you," he whispers and I pull away, gently stroking the hair away from his eyes.

"I love you," I say and he smiles, leaning into my touch. "I love you, too," he whispers and I slowly lean in to kiss him.

He wraps his fingers in my curls again and my hands move down his waist. He quickly slips his tongue into my mouth and I let him as I slip my hands down to squeeze his plush bum lightly again.

"Please?" He whispers, pulling away and looking up at me with pleading eyes. "You're not ready, especially with everything that's happened recently," I say, shaking my head. "Then let me just please you," he says, blushing a little as he looks down at the floor. I put my two fingers under his chin and bring him to look back at me.

"You sure?" I ask and he nods rapidly. "I know that I can't have anything, because it's still bruised, but that's not stopping me from giving you a blow job," he says, his face returning to a smirk.

I roll my eyes and grab his hand, dragging him up the stairs to my room. He follows after me and I quickly go to take off my shirt, but Louis' hand stops me.

"I want to do everything," he says, his voice low. I remove my hands from my shirt and I look up at Louis expectantly. He licks his lips and gently pushes me towards the bed.

I lie down and I watch as he kicks his shoes off. He takes his shirt off as well and I let my eyes wander over his scarred stomach and his somewhat visible ribs.

He climbs onto the bed, wrapping a leg around me and leaning down, connecting our lips together. I run my hands over his bare back and then move them up to his hair. He reaches his hands down and gently tugs my shirt up, disconnecting our lips and pulling the shirt over my head, discarding it onto the floor.

He smirks at me and runs his fingers along my chest, tracing some tattoos. I squirm underneath him, feeling myself becoming hard. "Eager?" He smirks knowingly and I blush. "Shut the fuck up, I have been waiting for this for 4 years," I mutter as his hand drifts lower to the vines on my v-line.

He chuckles and unbuttons my black skinny jeans. He quietly curses as he tries to tug them down and I try to shimmy out of them.

He huffs in annoyance as they get stuck halfway down. "You just have to wear jeans that are practically paint on your legs, don't you," he huffs and I reach down, getting impatient as I am painfully hard, waiting for some kind of relief.

I tug them off and Louis immediately attacks my lips as his hand starts to palm me through my boxers. He still has his sweats on and I groan, sliding them down until they are halfway down his thighs. "I can't do anything," he mumbles and I pant, getting out of breath from Louis' actions.

"I know, but I want to see you still," I say and he smiles, kissing me before tugging them off fully and throwing them next to our other clothes on the floor.

He hooks his fingers in the waistband of my boxers as I am practically begging him to touch me fully. He slides them down, letting my member free and he throws them on the floor.

I slide his down and he kicks them off, pressing his lips to mine as his hand goes between us and gently wraps his hand around me.

He starts pumping up and down and I groan into the kiss. He continues and I am practically shaking from pleasure beneath him. He pulls away from my lips and move down.

I wrap my hands in his hair as he slowly wraps his swollen lips around me. He slides down and my fingers clench in his hair as I throw my head back, my eyes closed from pleasure. He goes all the way down and I am surprised as he can deep-throat.

He starts pumping his head up and down and I moan loudly as I feel his lips wrapped around me. My hands are tugging his hair, curling my fingers in his brunette locks.

I feel myself getting close and I look down at Louis. He looks up at me through his eyelashes and then back down to his work. "Fuck," I curse, throwing my head back again, squeezing my eyes shut. "I'm clos-oh god," I moan loudly as he grazes his fingertips on my inner thighs.

"Look at me again," I whimper, looking down at Louis and he looks up at me through his long eyelashes that I love so goddamn much.

"Shit," I curse again and I feel myself spill into his mouth. He swallows and pulls away as I spill the rest onto our bodies.

He moves back up to my face as my eyes are closed, still in a state from my high. He presses his lips to mine and I can taste myself on his lips.

"That was amazing," he says, breathless and I just nod, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him onto my chest. "Just wait until you're better," I mumble and his breath hitches and I smirk, knowing I have dirty thoughts running through both of our minds again.

"I'm sorry I can't do anything for you," I say and I feel him shake his head against my chest. "Seeing you like that makes me happy enough inside, trust me," he says and I smile, leaning down and kissing his hair.

"I love you so much," I say and he leans up, pressing a kiss to my lips. "I love you so much," he repeats me and I smile, closing my eyes and reaching over to the side of the bed, pulling a blanket over us, ignoring the fact that we will need to clean up later.


	12. Chapter 12

-Louis-

"We are running out of toilet paper," Harry says, out of the blue, as we are cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. I sit up and look at him. "Seriously?" I ask and he shrugs. "What? We need the necessities in a flat," he says and I shake my head, a small smile on my face.

"I gotta go get some from the store, along with some other stuff," he mumbles and I kiss his cheek. "Okay," I say and his eyes wash over my face. "Do you want to come?" He asks and I quickly shake my head. "I can't go out right now," I say and he frowns, cupping my face with his hand.

"Promise me you won't do anything?" He asks softly and I nod. "I promise," I say and he gives me a small smile. "Okay, I'll be back soon," he kisses me once again and is standing up off the couch. He grabs his keys and is out the door, calling out another goodbye.

I chuckle to myself at him and wonder how such a dork is with me. I shake my head and turn off the movie. I wasn't interested in it anyways.

My mind drifts back to this mornings events and I blush. I stand up off the couch and I go upstairs to Harry's room. It's cold in his flat, and I need another sweater.

I open up his closet and I spot a familiar purple sweatshirt on the top shelf, above the rack of hanging clothes.

I stand up on my tip toes and I feel my fingers grasp the soft purple cloth. I gently pull and yelp out as a pile of stuff, including the sweatshirt falls down off the shelf.

I groan as I hold the sweatshirt in one hand and look at the stuff that is now littering the floor. I sigh as I pull the Jack Wills sweatshirt over my head and I bend down to the floor, picking up the random things.

My hand stops as I see an envelope sitting on the floor, next to a pack of cards that fell off the shelf.

I turn the envelope over and my breath hitches as I see the familiar print, writing out my name.

Louis Tomlinson

I read the name out loud and I leave the envelope on the floor as I grab everything else and shove it back on top of the shelf.

I shut his closet and I snatch the envelope off the floor, moving to sit on the bed. I let my legs dangle off the side as I inspect the unopened envelope addressed to me.

I trace the writing with my finger, easily recognizing it as Harry's, and I slowly turn the envelope around. I slide my finger under the seal and flip open the envelope flap. There's a letter inside and I slowly grip it, sliding it out and setting the envelope next to me on the bed.

I open up the tri-folded letter and I let my eyes start reading Harry's fine writing.

Dear Louis,

If you are reading this, then you probably have found it next to me. I don't actually know why I'm writing this, as it's cliché, but you know I can't help it.

I know you might be crying while reading this, because I'm dead. Right now, as I'm writing this I mean, I don't actually know how I'm going to do it. Maybe I'll just cut too deep one day. Or maybe I'll overdose, but either way, I'll be gone, and you'll still be here.

I stop reading as I feel the tears prick my eyes. I know what this is. It's a suicide letter. It's a fucking suicide letter, written by Harry.

I feel the tears fall down my cheeks and I wipe them away, just to have more fall. I take a deep breath and I continue reading.

I know that you are blaming yourself right now. You have a tendency to do that a lot. I want you to know that this was not your fault. Stop blaming yourself please. Nothing could've really stopped me from doing this.

There's this feeling when things all come crashing down and you feel as if the world just wants you to stop going. It feels as if everything is going wrong and it's all happening at once and you can't control it. That's how I feel every single day.

I know you don't notice, but it isn't your fault, because you have to spend your time with Eleanor. She's quite a lovely lady, most of the time. I know that you love her, but I also know that it never shows.

I mean you may not realize that I watch you. I watch you every fucking moment of every fucking day that I spend with you, because you are actually really something beautiful.

I know that if you're reading this still, then I never got around to telling you how much I love you. I mean, really love you, from the bottom of my heart, I love you Louis.

I know that you could never feel the same, so I tried not to let you know. I didn't want to have to burden you with me and I guess I took care of that.

Your favorite number is 4, isn't it? I remember that one night, when we were camping in the tent at the Leeds festival and we were just talking, and I asked you what your favorite number was. You giggled and said that it was 4, and then you asked me what mine was. Do you remember what my answer was?

I sniff as my memories flash back to that night, and I do remember what he said.

I said my favorite number was 6. You then asked what my favorite color was and we moved on. Why is 4 your favorite number? 6 is my favorite number, because it means incomplete. I am incomplete. I'm a mistake. I'm a fag. I like boys. I'm gay. 6 reminds me of how I truly am.

Sorry if I made you cry. I'm not trying to cause you any pain, you know I don't want to cause you any pain.

You were probably the one to find me, weren't you? I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough to stay. I'm sorry I couldn't handle the pain. It's my fault, not yours, I'm sorry.

I feel like this is taking up a lot of space now so I guess I should stop this. I want you to live your life, yeah? Don't worry about me, I'm safe now, and I'll be watching you. Get married. Have a little boy, just like you've always wanted. Grow old with your wife and treat her like a princess.

Goodbye BooBear. I love you. A whole fucking lot. Don't cry over me. I'm happier this way.

I love you.

Harry. xx

I sob quietly as my eyes scan over the letter again. I hear footsteps and I look up to see Harry in the doorway. "Lou? What's wro-" he cuts himself off as he sees what I'm holding in my hand.

His eyes go wide and he freezes. "Listen, i-it's not what y-you think-I-I-just trust me-" he starts to stutter and I close my eyes, shaking my head as I wipe my tears away.

"You act as if what I'm doing is so wrong, yet you did it too. Hell, what if you're doing it now-oh my god," I quickly realize as I set the letter next to me and I jump off the bed, padding towards him.

I roll the sleeves of his sweatshirt up and I inspect his wrists. He quickly pulls them back. "Stop," he says, pulling his sleeves back down.

I look up at his face and I see him trying not to break down. "Why didn't you tell me? You were hurting Harry! You wrote a fucking suicide note! How close did you ever get to doing it? I mean if you wrote a note, then you must've been close! Oh my god, I could have lost you," I ramble and I look into his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks.

"Oh Hazza, we are both broken, aren't we?" I say and I reach up, cupping his face. I use my thumb to wipe his tears away and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

He starts to sob and he buries his head into my neck. "I'm so sorry, I should've told you, and you found out like this. God, I'm so sorry," he says, in-between sobs and I stroke his back, whispering into his ear.

He pulls away and wipes his eyes. "I try to be strong for you, and be your rock, but I can't do it all the time. I never want to hurt you, and I feel like this is hurting you, and I'm so sorry, and I break down too sometimes, and I just-I'm so sorry," he says, the tears falling down his face again.

"You don't always have to be strong for me. I can be strong for you too, and now I know that we went through the same thing, but we are going to get through it together," I say and he nods.

"Let me see your wrists...please?" I add at the end, seeing his unsure face. He slowly holds his arms out and I take it gently, rolling his sleeves up. It's hard to see, but I look closely and I see the very, very faint scars on his wrists.

I bring his wrists up to my lips and kiss them softly. "This was why you wore so many bracelets back then, wasn't it?" I ask, things suddenly becoming clear to me. I look up to see him nodding, looking at the floor.

"It was, yeah," he says and I close my eyes, breathing out to try and not let more tears fall. "Anywhere else?" I ask softly and he shakes his head. I lean it and press a kiss to his lips.

"1 year clean. I haven't done it in a year, although I was tempted, when you first left me and shoved me away from you. I cried and I broke the razor and I sat on the bathroom floor, holding it against my wrist, but I couldn't find it in me to actually do it again," he mumbles and my breath hitches.

He was tempted to relapse because of me. I immediately wrap my arms around him. "I'm so, so sorry baby. I never want you to ever do something like that because of me. I'm not worth that," I say and he cries again into my neck.

We pull away, no more tears coming as our eyes have dried up. He wipes at his cheeks and chuckles lightly. "We are just a mess, aren't we?" He says and I smile at him, cupping his cheek again. "We are, but I'm okay with that," I say and he leans down to kiss me again.

-

I wake up, after a tough night last night with learning all these things about Harry and us trying to get past that, plus I had another nightmare last night, adding to our troubles.

I hear Harry groan and he turns around in the bed, turning to face me. "Two more days of break," he says and I close my eyes and sigh. "Yippee," I say, sarcasm lacing my morning voice.

"How you feeling?" I ask him softly, changing the subject. "Okay I guess, you?" He asks and I shrug. "Same," I say and he nods, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into him.

"What do you want to do today?" He asks and I shrug. "I dunno, what do you want to do?" I respond and he smiles. "Take you out. On a date," he mutters and my eyes lighten up. "Really?" I ask and he nods. "Yeah, it'll be our second official date," he says and I nod. "Okay!" I say happily and he nestles his face into my neck.

"C'mon! We have to get ready!" I press my palm to his forehead, lifting his head up. "No more sleeping!" I declare and he chuckles at my excitement.

"Okay! I'm up!" He says, releasing his hold on me and rolling over on his back, looking up at the ceiling. I get out of bed and I walk towards the bathroom. "You better be up by the time I get done in the shower!" I call over my shoulder and I hear a groan, causing me to laugh.

I shut the door to the bathroom and turn on the shower, stripping out of my pajamas and stepping into the warm water. I quickly take my shower before stepping back out and drying myself off, and then I wrap the towel around my waist.

I walk out into the bedroom to see Harry sitting on the edge of the bed, his feet hanging off, as he rubs his eyes sleepily.

"Mm, looking good," he says, looking me up and down and I blush. "Just get into the shower," I mumble and I hear him laugh as I turn around and go through Harry's clothes, picking a pair of his skinny jeans, that will probably be too long on me, and a sweater.

I grab a pair of underwear too and I slip the clothes on, having to scrunch up the bottoms of the jeans. I scrunch up my nose and I lift my bare foot up onto the bed. I reach down and roll up the bottoms of my jeans, until they are just above my ankles.

I set that foot down and then lift my other foot up and I roll up that pant leg too, making sure the two are even.

I search around and find my Vans in the corner of the room. I grab them and I am struggling to slip them on, just as Harry is walking out of the bathroom, sporting just a towel around his waist.

I roll my eyes as he winks at me and I grab my towel off the floor before going into the bathroom and hanging it up. I run a comb through my hair and I leave it down.

I walk back out to see Harry tugging his boots on and I laugh as he huffs, blowing his long hair out of his face, as it keeps falling into his face whenever he leans down to pull his boots up.

I laugh at the sight and he looks up at me frustrated. "Help?" He pouts and I laugh again as I nod. I go back into the bathroom. I grab his brush and a hairband before walking back out and towards Harry sitting on the bed.

I climb onto the bed and situate myself on my knees behind him, since he is quite taller than me. I run the brush through his wet hair. I then brush it all back and grip it in my hand, twisting it until it forms a bun. I wrap the elastic band around it and make sure it's good, before leaning over his back and kiss his cheek.

"There ya go, babe," I say and he mutters a thank you as he blushes. I pat his back and climb off the bed, returning the brush to the bathroom and walking back out. I see Harry wearing a long coat with his tan boots and his hair up in the bun I put it in.

I smile and he smiles back at me as he grabs his phone. I grab mine and we walk downstairs together. He opens the door for me and I walk out, him following. He shuts his door and locks it before we walk out to his car. We get in, him in the driver's seat and me in the passenger seat.

"Where are we going?" I ask. "You'll see," he says and I groan. "It's always the stupid cliché surprise thing, Harry," I mutter and he laughs.

"I am cliché, so therefore this is going to be a surprise," he says and I groan. "Okay, but if we get mobbed..." I say, only half-joking. "We won't. I know you don't necessarily want to be out in the public right now," he assures me and I give him a grateful smile.

-

"The park?" I ask and he nods, parking the car. "Yep, we can just walk around for a bit, enjoy the fresh air," he says and I smile, turning to him. "Dork," I say and he leans over, pecking my cheek. "You love me," he says and I nod. "That I do," I say and open my car door, getting out.

I close my door and Harry locks his car. We walk to the front of the car, and I can tell he wants to take my hand, but he knows he can't.

I give him a knowing smile, which he returns with a sad one and I brush my arm against his as I walk past him.

"C'mon, let's go explore!" I say, lightening the mood. I look around and see that there aren't a lot of people, for which I'm grateful.

Harry chuckles as he walks next to me as we walk along the path through the park. It's a quite big park, with trees and paths and even a small lake where ducks are resting in.

The smile stays on my face the entire time as Harry and I shamelessly flirt as we walk around. I know that Harry is my cure. The one to make me happy. I know that I've never felt actually happy in so long, and now I feel it. The warmth in my stomach every time I laugh, a real laugh, and not some forced one. My smile, the crinkles by my eyes and it's not a fake smile.

I look to Harry and I know it's the same for him.

No wonder we're together.


	13. Chapter 21

-Louis-

I feel the bed next to me shift and I turn my head lazily to see Harry holding his stomach and he groans. I furrow my eyebrows and prop myself up on one elbow, putting my other arm to touch Harry's arm.

"What's wrong?" I ask and Harry scrunches his face, his eyes squeezing shut as he lets out another groan. "My stomach hurts and I feel like I'm going to puke, and I hate throwing up," he mumbles, his eyes squeezed shut still. "But throwing up will make you feel better, and I'll take care of you," I say, wrapping my arms around his body, even though he is curled up in a ball clenching his stomach.

"It hurts, Boo," he whimpers and I sigh, holding the boy and presses kisses to his hair. "Do you have a fever?" I ask rhetorically as I reach my hand up to his forehead. It's a little warm. "'M cold," he mumbles and I kiss his forehead.

I release him and I roll out of the bed. I pull the covers onto Harry and he keeps his arms around his stomach. "I'll go get you some more blankets, you stay here, and if you feel like you are going to puke then try to run to the bathroom, yeah?" I instruct him and he gives a slight nod, so I turn to go fetch some more blankets.

I grab three more blankets and I bring them back to the room, Harry's lying on his side with his eyes shut and his legs curled up to his chest. I frown and walk over, laying the extra blankets over Harry.

I see his face scrunch up and he lets out a loud groan before he is up out of the bed and running to the bathroom. I slowly walk after him and when I reach the bathroom, he is on his knees, head in the toilet, puking. I kneel down next to him and I pull his long hair back and keep it out of his face as I rub his back.

Once he's finished, he slouches down to sit on his bum and leans his back against the bathtub, closing his eyes.

I stand up and fill a cup with sink water and I grab a hairband. I quickly pull Harry's hair back in a bun and I hand him the water, helping him stand up. He swishes the water in his mouth and spits it into the sink multiple times, refilling the cup.

I flush the toilet and I grab his toothbrush and toothpaste, putting some paste on the brush and I hand it to him. He takes it gently and I put the toothpaste back as he brushes his teeth.

He washes his mouth out again and then sets his toothbrush down. He looks at me tiredly in the mirror and I give him a sad smile. "I can still taste it and that's the part that I hate the most," he mumbles, his voice groggy.

"I know baby, let's get you back to bed and I'll make you some tea to drink. That might get the taste out," I say and place my hand on his back, leading him back to his bed.

He climbs under the blankets and I lean down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I'll go make your tea, try to get some sleep my sicky," I say and he sighs, closing his eyes. "My stomach doesn't hurt anymore at least," he says and I smile. "See, what did I tell you," I say cheekily as I walk out of his bedroom.

I smile to myself as I put the kettle on the stove with the water. Harry has been taking care of me this entire time, so now it is finally my turn to take care of him.

I finish making the tea, making myself a cup before I bring both cups upstairs back to Harry's room. I walk in quietly and I see him sleeping soundly.

I smile at the sight and I decide to leave him be. I take the tea back downstairs and I set Harry's on the counter, just in case he comes down soon.

I go to watch some tv and I sit on the couch with my tea. I am curled up with Harry's sweater sleeves over my hands and my knees pulled up to my chest when I hear a voice behind me.

"Boo?" I hear the soft voice and I turn around to see a sick looking Harry with a blanket wrapped around him like a burrito and his bare feet sticking out from the bottom.

"Awe, come 'ere baby," I hold my arms out and Harry shuffles over to me and collapses on the couch into my arms. I gently unwrap the blanket from his body and I lean my back against the armrest of the couch, spreading my legs out and Harry scoots to sit in between them.

He rests his head back onto my chest, his long legs almost reaching the other end of the couch and I put the blanket back on top of him, also covering me. I wrap my arms around him, careful not to squeeze his stomach and I hear him sigh in content.

I nuzzle my nose into his curls and breathe in deeply. I feel Harry tracing the tattoos on my wrist gently and I smile.

"Hazza?" I question, pulling my arm out of his curls. "Hmm?" He hums and continues tracing my tattoos. "Whenever we sing Little Things live, you never say weigh anymore, you just don't say it at all...why?" I ask randomly, the thought just entering my head.

He laughs softly. "That's a bit unexpected, but-um-it's because you don't like your weight and you're insecure about it and I don't like thinking about that because I think you are perfect, so I just don't say it 'cause I don't wanna think about it," I hear him mumble quietly as he has now moved on to playing with my small fingers with his big hands.

"I wasn't expecting that either," I say and kiss his hair. "That means a lot, and wow-I guess I'm speechless. I'm getting there, I mean, you're right, I don't like my weight, but I don't plan on starving myself like I was before, because I know that you love me no matter what," I mumble back and he intertwines our hands, resting them in his lap. "I'm sick and you getting all mushy on me is making me emotional," he mumbles and I chuckle. "You started it!" I try to argue and I can see his smile. "You asked me!" He replies and I sigh, knowing he got me.

"I'm thinking of apologizing to the boys tomorrow," I say and Harry turns his head to look at me. "Really?" He asks and I nod. "Yeah, I realized that they do care for me and shutting them out was not the best idea. And I know that I really hurt them and the band with the way I was acting, and it wasn't okay," I say and Harry squeezes my hand, giving me a smile and moving his head back around and resting it back on my chest.

"I'm proud of you, and I know the boys will be too," he says and I smile down at him. "You should apologize to the fans as well," Harry says, playing with my fingers again and I scrunch my face in confusion. "Why the fans?" I ask confused and he sighs. "You haven't been on social media yet, have you?" He asks and I shake my head.

He releases my hand and reaches under the blanket, pulling his phone out. He unlocks it and goes into YouTube, typing in something and then clicking on a video.

He holds it out for me to see and I rest my chin on top of his head as he turns the volume up.

It's of me when we were walking out of an interview and it shows me yelling at everyone not to touch me. I wince at my face. It's a mixture between scared and mad.

The video ends and Harry shuts his phone off. "The fans are pretty upset, even trending some stuff, but I don't want you looking at that, and they deserve an apology too, even though it wasn't technically your fault, it would still be nice," he says and I sigh. "Yeah, I'll-um-apologize to them as well," I say and Harry grips my hand again.

"I love you," he whispers and I smile. "I love you too," I say and he cuddles up into me. "I'm feeling better," he says. "Well, I'm glad," I say and he chuckles.

-

Harry squeezes my hand as we stand outside the practice room. We are supposed to be in there to start rehearsals, but I need to collect myself first.

Harry rests his hands on my waist and turns me to face him, pressing two fingers under my chin and making me look up at him. "It's going to be okay, you can do it, and I'll be right next to you the whole time, yeah?" He says and I nod. He gives me a quick smile and leans down, pressing a soft kiss to my lips and then pulling away before it could get heated.

"Alright, then let's go in," he says and gives my hand one last squeeze before opening the door. I hear all conversation seize and the three heads in the room turn to face us. Harry presses a hand to my back and gently pushes me forward through the door and keeps it on my back as he leads me over to the couches that the other boys are sitting on.

"I think we should have a band meeting before we get started on rehearsals," Harry says and I feel my hands start to shake with nerves. Harry sits down on an empty couch and grabs my hand, pulling me down to sit next to him.

"Sounds good," Liam says and I play with my fingers, looking down at my hands. I feel Harry nudge me and I take a deep breath and run my hands over my face before looking up to meet the boys' eyes.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the way I acted towards all of you. I never meant to hurt you guys, I just was pushing everyone away because I felt like I couldn't trust them and I'm sorry, because I know I hurt all of you along the way and I'm just really, really sorry. I never meant to hurt the band or all of our friendships. And I'm just-I'm so, so sorry," I trail off and I feel a body being thrown on top of me and arms being wrapped around me.

"You're forgiven! It wasn't your fault and we should've been more understanding, just don't ever, ever shut me out again," Niall says, his voice muffled by my shirt and I laugh, wrapping my arms around the blonde boy.

"I won't Nialler, I promise," I say and Niall pulls away with a smile. "It's okay Louis, we didn't know that all of that happened to you and we should have known, and should've not pressured you. We love you a lot Louis," Zayn says, patting my back as Niall pulls away and I pull Zayn into a hug. "Thanks buddy," I say and he smiles.

Liam comes over as well and leans down to hug me. "I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time, mate, if I would've known what you were going through I never would have said some of the things I said, I'm so sorry," he says and I give him a smile. "It's okay, you didn't know," I reassure him.

Harry squeezes my hand as the other three boys go to sit back down on the couch across from us. Harry leans over and starts to whisper into my ear. "See, what did I tell you, they understand and I'm so proud of you," he whispers and I blush.

I hear Niall squeal and I look up to see the other boys staring at us. "Okay, now that all of that is out of the way, you guys have to tell us what is up with you two, because I mean Harry did call Louis his boyfriend when he was mouthing off that interviewer," Liam says, almost equally excited as Niall.

I blush and Harry laughs, taking my hand in his and resting them in his lap. "Yeah, we're um," he turns to me, as if to ask for permission and I give him a smile and I turn to the boys. "Yes, we're dating," I confirm and the boys squeal and clap, quite girlish if you know what I mean.

"You guys are so cute together!" Zayn says and I roll my eyes and Harry leans over and kisses my cheek, earning a chorus of 'aww's from our watching crowd. "I already knew!" Niall says proudly and I blush, hiding my face in Harry's shoulder.

"But Harry, you guys do know that the people who were at the interview probably told management and they will most likely need to have a meeting with you two," Liam says and I turn to Harry with scared eyes. He squeezes my hand reassuringly.

"Yeah, I know, and we will cross that bridge when we get there, but right now I think we should start tour rehearsals," he says and the other boys nod.

Harry pulls me up off the couch and then releases my hand as Niall throws his arm around my shoulders.

"Are we ready to siiiinggg?" Niall asks, singing the word. I laugh and Niall laughs, causing us both to start cracking up as we walk to the microphones.

I stand at the microphone next to Harry and he glances at me with a smile as someone tells us what we are going to be doing.

We start with the first song as a warm-up and I see someone taking pictures, probably to post to Instagram or Twitter later.

I enjoy myself for the rest of the day, finally coming to terms with the fact that I can be happy again. Things are going good, and Harry is helping as well. And I'm helping him.

What a team.


	14. Chapter 14

"Take care of yourself, Lou," Liam whispers in my ear before pulling away from the hug and grabbing his luggage, waving his hand at us. Currently, only Harry, Niall, and I are left in the airport, as Zayn's flight left just a few minutes before Liam's. Two weeks of rehearsals have lead to us going onto our holiday break. I'm not looking forward to it, because it means spending time away from Harry, and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

"Well, my flight is calling," Niall says, turning to Harry and I. "Gonna miss you Nialler," I say with a smile and he throws his arms around me. "It's good to have you back, don't change on me over break, okay?" He says and I nod, squeezing his body tight. Niall pulls away with a smile and gives Harry a hug before calling goodbyes over his shoulder and practically skipping towards the terminal.

Harry turns to me and smiles. "So, me and you?" He asks and I nod, taking his outstretched hand as he gives it a squeeze. I release it and we head to our flight, bringing us back to London and Harry's flat. I'm planning to move myself back into it, without telling Management. I'm still keeping my other house and not selling it, that way it's easier to trick them. 

They won't be happy...but I sure will be.

-

"How much more stuff can you possibly have?" Harry complains as he lifts another box into his car. I laugh and set my box down. Luckily, I haven't unpacked everything and there were still quite a few boxes that hadn't been unpacked. I had only unpacked the necessities.

"There's only a few more left, don't worry," I reassure him and he groans, stretching his arms over his head and going back inside the flat. I follow him and together we bring the last of the boxes, completely filling Harry's car. "Okay, let's get back off to my-our flat," he corrects himself, sending me a smile and I giggle. "And we can unpack all your junk back into it," he says and I clap my hands. "Okay!" I say happily, wanting to kiss him right there, but we are outside and there might be paps, and they have quite a great zoom on those cameras.

We get in Harry's car and he drives us back to our flat. We finally bring all the boxes from his car and into the flat. I sigh as we both crash onto the couch. Harry pulls me close to him and I snuggle up into his arm, tracing his tattoos lazily. "I can't wait to unpack all of that," Harry says and I roll my eyes. "You need the workout, it's good for you," I say and he laughs. "Fine, but let's wait until tomorrow," he mumbles and I turn my head up kissing his nose. "I say we unpack now and get it over with," I suggest and Harry groans, pushing me out of his arms, causing me to fall off the couch and onto the ground. I burst into laughter as Harry rolls off the couch and on top of me.

My giggles are cut off as Harry straddles me and leans down, his lips attaching themselves to my neck. He sucks in deeply and I hiss as the blood rushes toward the spot. Harry releases the skin and I can feel his breath hit the wet spot. "I-I don't think th-this is packing," My breath hitches as he attaches his lips to my jawline and sucks again. I move my hands down his back until they rest right above his ass, giving it a squeeze as he licks over his newest creation. 

"You're quite a naughty boy," I whisper when Harry doesn't respond to my previous statement. Harry laughs, moving his face so it is right above mine. "That's Zayn's friend. I'm sorry, I'm not him. I'm Harry. It's nice to meet you," he says. I roll my eyes as I scrunch my nose up. "I seriously do not like him," I say and Harry raises an eyebrow. I lean up to connect our lips again and he adjusts his legs to slot in between mine. He moves his hands from the floor to tangle themselves in my hair. My hands slip underneath his shirt and I run them along his back. The shirt starts to ride up and I slip my hands back to Harry's jeans-clad ass, giving it another squeeze.

"It doesn't hurt anymore, does it?" Harry asks, breathless, as he pulls away from my lips and keeping his face above mine. "No, I don't even have to take the medicine anymore, it's fine," I say. "Are you ready for this?" He asks, his voice gentle this time. "Yes," I say breathless and Harry searches my eyes for any sign of discomfort before getting off of my body and standing up, holding his hand out to me. "Just tell me when you want me to stop, and we will, okay? Make sure you tell me, I don't want you you to have the nightmares again," he says, taking my hands and leading me upstairs to our room. "I know," I say and I move to sit on the bed. Harry pushes my chest back gently and I lay down on the bed as Harry slots himself between my body. He leans his head down and kisses me again. He grips the bottom of my shirt and quickly pulls it over my head. I carefully take his off as well and they both get tossed to the floor. 

He moves his hands along my chest, running his fingers gently over my scars and I wince. "Sorry," he whispers, pressing a soft kiss to my lips before moving back down and gripping my sweatpants. "Is this okay?" He asks and I nod, closing my eyes for a minute. I feel him slide them down my legs and then they are completely off as they join the shirts on the floor. I open my eyes as I reach down to unbutton his jeans. He slides them off himself, seeing as they are way too damn tight for me to pull off and he reaches over to the bed stand. He opens one of the drawers and rummages through it before pulling out a bottle of lube and a condom. 

He hooks his fingers in the waistband of my boxers and slides them down, releasing my already hard cock that has been waiting for some attention. He stares at it for a moment before licking his lips. I smack his arm and he averts his attention over to my eyes. "I'd appreciate it if you would take the time to admire sometime later when I am not completely hard and waiting for you to do something," I say and he smiles before reaching his hand out to give it a few strokes. "O-okay, tha-that's good," I moan out as Harry continues to stroke my cock with slick hands. I let my head fall back and I make the mistake of removing my eyes from the sight beneath me, because the next thing I know, Harry's mouth replaces his hand. I let out a long stream of whimpers sounding a lot like Harry's name flood out of my mouth and I reach my hands down to grip Harry's hair. 

He pulls off and comes up to meet my face, placing a soft kiss to my opened lips. "Are you okay?" He asks and I nod, knowing he just wants to make sure everything is fine. "Okay, I just don't want to go too far," he says and I nod, pulling at his hair to make his lips connect with mine. "I know, and I'm so, so grateful that you are taking care of me," I say when we pull away and he smiles. He goes to grab the lube and I gulp. I know that I do want this, but I am scared. The nightmares will return and I will have to relive the entire  _thing_  that happened, and I'm just so lost on what to do. Maybe if I top then it will be different and it won't effect me as much. 

"Harry,"I whisper softly just as he pops open the cap on the lube bottle. His head immediately turns towards me and he notices the tears that have formed in my eyes. "Oh baby, we don't have to do this," he says as he drops the bottle and quickly climbs across the bed towards me. I sniff and bury my face in his shoulder. "That's the thing. I want to do it, but I'm scared. I'm so scared of everything that might happen because of it," I whisper and Harry strokes my head. "I'm not going to force you to do anything. I'm actually surprised that we've gotten this far," Harry tries to comfort me and I shake my head. "I want it. I want it and I'm not going to let some bastards take this away from me. Just-I think that if I top, then it will be different? It won't affect me as much, you know?" I try to communicate my thoughts to Harry and he nods. 

He gently flips us over so I am on top of him and I lean back on my heels, taking a deep breath. "Alright, but if you need to stop, you have to make sure to tell me. Got it?" He says and I nod, slowly reaching for the bottle of lube. My hand shakes as I slowly squirt the gel onto my fingers and Harry slips his boxers off as I cap the lube back up and set it on the bed next to me. I spread his legs apart as he looks at me with an unsure glance. "I'm fine. I promise," I breathe out, assuring myself more than I am assuring him. I take a shaky finger and gently slide it across his hole. He gasps and I take that as encouragement to try and slip my finger in up to my knuckle. He clenches around my finger and I stare in awe at the disappearance of my finger. I'm not a virgin, at least, not officially. But, I've never done this with a guy before (except for  _the incident_ ) and it is different. 

I try to slowly move my finger in and out and I can see Harry with his eyes squeezed shut and his fists clenching the bed sheets. He's biting his lip and he just looks so...so good laying here all spread out. His lips part open as he whispers for me to enter another finger. I slip in my middle finger right next to my pointer one. I try to think about how to open him up the best way and I'm so unsure about how I'm doing. I'm probably doing this completely wrong, but from Harry's soft whimpers and moans, I think it must feel somewhat alright. "Keep moving," he whispers again and I realized I had stopped. I start to scissor my fingers as they slide easily in and out of his hole. 

I add a third finger and Harry is practically fucking himself down on them so I thrust them in a few more times before pulling them out. Harry lets out a whine and I give him a sorry smile as I grab the condom. I slide it on, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. Harry looks at me unsure again and I open my eyes to give him a sure smile. "I'm good now. You ready?" I ask him and he nods. I lean my head down and capture his lips in mine, his plump ones immediately moving in sync to my own. I remove one hand from his cheek and grip my cock, matching up to Harry's hole before nudging at it with the tip. Harry whimpers into my mouth and I slowly push in, stopping halfway when I see tears in Harry's eyes. "You okay, baby?" I whisper softly and he nods. "You're not exactly small," he mutters and I giggle as I push a little bit more in. His hole is tight and it feels so much different than it did with Eleanor or any other girl. I finally bottom out and rest my head in the crook of Harry's neck, biting softly at the skin there. I can hear his heavy breathing in my ear and can feel his hands gripping my sides. 

He takes a deep breath and then whispers the magic word for me to move. "Bananas," he whispers and I burst out a giggle as I bury my face further into his neck. "Is that our code word for 'move' now?" I ask and he nods with an amused smile. I roll my eyes and slowly pull out about halfway before thrusting back in. Harry's smile is turned into a moan and he clenches his eyes shut as he throws his head back. I pull out farther this time and thrust back in with more purpose. Whispers of 'I love you' are being tossed with each thrust and his green eyes open once again. 

I get lost in his eyes as I push in and out of the tight skin of his hole. He rakes his nails down my sides and I hold myself up as we move together. I can feel the heat burning in the pit of my stomach and I know Harry does too as his breaths become quicker. "I-I'm close," he whimpers and I adjust my angle so I'm hitting that one spot repeatedly. Harry's breaths become faster and he is panting just as his grip tightens on my hips. He releases streams of white between our chests and I look down to see his face in its completely blissful state. IT pushes me over the edge as I release into the condom and I slow my thrusts down, falling on top of Harry's chest as we both breathe heavily to try and recover. 

"Well that was fun," he says after a few moments and I make the move to pull out of him. Harry whines at the sensitivity and I tug the condom off, tying it up and throwing it in the bin. I go to the bathroom and return with some tissues. I wipe up our messes and clean off both our bodies before throwing the trash away and climbing back into bed with Harry. 

"Are you sure we didn't take it too far?" Harry asks softly as his arms go around me. "I'm sure. I'm fine and if I have a nightmare, I know you will be right here to protect me," I say and Harry nods. "I love you a lot and I just want to make sure you are okay," he says and I nod. "I know. I love you too and I appreciate everything," I say and cuddle up into his broad chest as I shut my eyes closed.

\--

"So, what did you two do yesterday?" Harry's mum's voice floods through the phone that is on speaker. I snort as Harry's cheeks flush red and it takes all I can to not burst out laughing. "Harry?" You can almost hear Anne's confusion through the phone, making me want to laugh even harder. "Sorry mum, that was Louis. We are just watching some TV show and the announcer said something funny," Harry lies and you can hear Anne's laugh. "Okay, well I'll leave you too it then. I'll see you both soon," she says and Harry hangs up the phone. 

"What does she mean by seeing us both? I thought you were the only one going to them for the holidays," I ask confused and Harry smiles at me, wrapping his arms around my bare body and pressing a kiss to my nose. "Because you are coming to Holmes Chapel with me in two days and then you are going to spend Christmas with your family. I'm stealing you for before Christmas because I love you," he informs me and I giggle. "Do I have a choice in this matter?" I question and Harry shakes his head, smiling cheekily. "Nope, I've already informed my mum that we are having an extra dinner guest at the table for the next week," he says and I smile, nuzzling my face into his bare chest. "Sounds good. I don't want to be separated from you just yet," I mumble and Harry kisses the top of my head. "Neither do I, baby. Don't worry," he reassures me. 

"We should take a shower," he mumbles after a few minutes and I shake my head as I roll out of bed. Harry goes to do the same when he groans. I turn around to look at him and raise an eyebrow. "What's wrong, love?" I ask concerned and he shoots me a glare. "Your stupid ass big dick is the what's wrong," he grumbles as he tries to slide out of the bed. I laugh and walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Awe, is my poor little baby sore from yesterday's festivities? I guess I'll just have to take care of him today, then," I sing-song and he glares at me again, causing me to laugh harder.  

"You better, I mean, this  _is_ your fault," he says and I kiss his nose before poking it. "Sorry Hazza. C'mon let's go take our shower and I will attempt at making you breakfast," I say and he snorts before I slap him and take his hand, dragging us to the bathroom as I turn the water on. 


	15. Chapter 15

-Louis-

I prop my feet up on the dashboard and rest my head back against the seat, closing my eyes. "Go ahead and sleep a little, you've been driving for 6 hours," Harry tells me and I nod, yawning sleepily.

"Okay, thank you for switching," I mumble and Harry chuckles. "Well, I kind of want to make it to my mum's without getting in a car crash because my driver fell asleep," he says and I smile.

I open one eye and reach my hand out, turning up the volume of the cd up a bit. It's Ed Sheeran, because that is the only discs that Harry has in this car.

Harry sings along quietly and I close my eyes again, falling asleep in my passenger seat.

-

"Lou, baby, we're here," Harry gently shakes me and I reach up my hands, rubbing my eyes. I yawn and Harry chuckles, leaning over me and unbuckling my seatbelt.

"M'kay, I'm up," I mumble, opening my tired eyes to see Harry holding his hands out to help me out of the car.

I take them and he pulls me out. He already got the suitcases, which are resting on the grass, waiting to be brought inside.

Harry places a kiss to my lips before prancing over to the suitcases, bring both to the front door. I shake my head with a smile and follow him up to the door, making sure his car is locked and Harry knocks on the door.

I stand slightly behind him and the door swings open. "Harry!" I hear Gemma yell and Harry drops the suitcase handles, wrapping his arms around his sister.

"Hi Gems!" Harry says loudly as they pull away and Gemma's eyes flash over to me. "And Louis is here too? Harry...?" Gemma asks confused, but flashing me a smile. Harry laughs and I giggle and Gemma looks in between the two of us, still confused.

"How about we go inside and fill you in on all the details," Harry suggests and Gemma rolls her eyes but nods and moves away from the doorway.

I grab the suitcases before Harry can and he pouts. "Stop it, I'll carry them up to your room while you go say hi to your mum, I know you've missed her," I say and Harry's face brightens at the mention of his mum.

"C'mon, she's in the kitchen," Gemma helps me convince Harry and she herds him in front of her, pushing him into the house.

I take the suitcases and I bring them up the stairs, turning into the correct room, already knowing Harry's childhood home.

I leave the suitcases in the middle of the room and quickly go downstairs and I walk into the kitchen.

"And there he is!" Anne calls out as I walk in and arms are being thrown around me. "Hello Anne!" I say brightly, hugging her back.

"And how are you, love?" She asks, pulling away from me and resting her hands on my shoulders, looking me up and down. I turn to Harry who is smiling brightly at us and I turn back to Anne. "I'm doing great, actually, it's good to see you again," I say and Anne smiles at me.

"Such a sweet talker," she chuckles and releases my shoulders, turning to the food cooking on the stove. "It's good to see you Louis, how're the newlyweds doing?" Robin says from his seat at the bar table.

"They are great, taking care of the twins always," I say and Robin laughs. "What a handful that must be," he says and I laugh, nodding. "Yeah, it is, I don't know how they do it everyday," I say and Harry moves over to stand next to me.

Gemma raises her eyebrow as she sits next to Robin and Harry rests his hand on my back.

"Um, we kind of have an announcement," Harry says awkwardly and I smile down at my feet. I look up to see Harry glancing at me nervously and I wrap my arm around his waist, giving it a squeeze. Anne turns around to face us, wiping her hands on her apron and turning her full attention back to us, giving us a knowing smile.

Robin catches on, as well as Gemma and I give Harry's waist another squeeze, indicating him to continue.

"Louis and I are dating," he says in a rushed breath and I hear Gemma 'aww' and I look to see Anne wiping her eyes and Robin giving us a proud smile. "Mum, don't cry," Harry chuckles, releasing his hold on me and moving over to his mum, wrapping his arms around her.

"I can't help it, my little baby is all grown up and now he's dating his best friend and band mate and Jay and I have been waiting for this day, I mean, we've known this was going to happen and it's been a practically arranged marriage already that Jay and I have planned," Anne says, wiping her eyes as she laughs.

Harry turns to me and I burst out laughing, along with everyone else. "I guess everyone knew we were in a relationship, but us," Harry says to me and I nod. "Yeah, I guess the both of us were just too stupid to realize it," I say and Harry laughs, moving back over to me.

"You guys are so cute together," Gemma is still awing over us and Harry leans down, kissing my cheek and then winking at Gemma. "He is cute," Harry says and I roll my eyes. "You are such a sap," I complain and Anne and Gemma laugh.

"And don't even say 'you love me' or 'but I'm your sap', because I will slap you for being so cheesy," I say and Harry gasps, holding a hand to his chest. "You wouldn't dare!" He says and I shake my head, turning to Anne.

"Need any help?" I ask and she smiles at me. "No thanks, love, it's almost finished. You and Harry could maybe set the table, though?" She suggests and I nod, gripping Harry's hand to lead him over to grab all the silverware and plates.

We bring them out to the table and get to work putting everything out nicely. Harry smooths out the last napkin and then smiles. "We did it perfect!" He says, giving me a hug.

"All we did was set the table," I say, rolling my eyes. "Yes, but I did it with you, so it makes it even better," he says and I lean up on my toes, kissing his lips.

"Time for dinner," I wink, pulling away and walking back to the kitchen to help Anne bring out the food. "Little fucker," I hear Harry mumble under his breath and I chuckle.

-

"I'm not going to be with you for your birthday, so I have your present for you to open early," Harry says and I smile at him.

"We have presents too!" Anne says and she gets up, moving over to the Christmas tree that we all set up. She bends down and grabs three wrapped presents before standing up and handing them to me.

Harry wraps his arms around me, as I'm sitting on his lap. He basically had pulled me down and has been resting his head on my shoulder the whole time we've been socializing with his family.

"Here, open mine first!" Gemma says happily and I laugh, picking up the present that says it's from Gemma on it. "Open it," Harry says, resting his chin on my shoulder and peering down at the present in my hands.

I carefully tear off the wrapping paper and set it next to me and Harry on the couch, that way it's easy to clean up. I look at what she got me and I laugh, scrunching my nose up. Harry looks to see what it is and he bursts out laughing. It's a stuffed banana, that has the peel wrapped around a stuffed carrot.

"This is the best gift I have ever gotten, thanks Gem," I say, still laughing. She laughs and smiles at Harry and I. "I kind of figured you two were dating, sort of, I mean after I saw those pictures of you crying and Harry protecting you and stuff, it didn't take me a second thought," she explains and I turn to Harry.

"What pictures?" I ask and Harry moves his eyes away from mine, his arms squeezing my waist tighter. "Harry...what pictures?" I ask again and I can feel everyone looking at us.

"The-um-the ones of you and I getting into the car after the-um-the interview," Harry says and I furrow my eyebrows together. "Which interv-oh," it clicks when I remember the interview with Jake and Harry and I got in the car and I still had tear-filled eyes.

"Yeah, it's no big deal though, everything has blown over," Harry assures me and gives me a kiss. I nod and turn back to my presents. "Okay," I say and I barely notice Gemma giving Harry a look and she shakes her head.

I pretend not to notice and I take one of the presents from Anne and Robin. "We got you two presents, one for your birthday and one for Christmas," Anne explains when I see two presents from her and Robin.

I rip open the wrapping paper, setting it in the pile and I see a picture frame with a picture of Harry and I sitting on this couch, but 4 years ago. I look up at Anne and she gives me a knowing smile. "I guessed as well, as soon as Harry told me you were coming for the week and he just kept talking and talking about you," Anne trails off when Harry whines out a 'Mu-um'. I admire the picture and I hold it up for Harry to see. Harry has his arm around my shoulders and we are both smiling at the camera, our faces flushed. I remember that Anne said something really embarrassing right before she snapped the photo and it was the first time I had been to Harry's house.

I gently place the picture frame down next to the stuffed banana-carrot. I grab the next present and I tear it open. I pull out a box and I open it up to reveal two sweaters.

"When Harry was rambling about you, he mentioned that you liked to wear his sweaters, so I rummaged through some of his old things and found those two. I thought you'd might want them," Anne explains and I hold them up for me to see.

I set the box next to Harry and I and I climb off of his lap, walking over to Anne. "I love them, and the picture, thank you so much Anne, it's perfect," I say, leaning down and giving her a hug. "It's no problem Louis, you are like a son to me, now more than ever," she says and I smile at her, leaning down to give Robin a hug as well.

I walk over to Gemma and thank her for her present as well, giving her a hug. "I have your present Lou, but I have to go get it. Gemma, is it still in your room?" Harry turns to his sister as I go to sit back down on the couch, this time next to Harry.

"Yeah-uh-I'll go with you," Gemma nods, standing up with Harry giving him a stern look. I pretend not to notice, again, and the two siblings go upstairs.

-Harry-

I follow Gemma into her room and gently shut the door behind me. "Why did you lie to him?" She asks immediately and I sigh. "He doesn't need to know," I reply, running my hands over my face. "Yes he does! People are getting suspicious Harry, now more than ever, and you know your management will not allow it," Gemma says and I groan. "I know! But he has been through so much already, he doesn't need to know that the entire fucking world is already questioning his sexuality and his non-existent relationship with his girlfriend," I argue and Gemma sighs.

"How does he not know yet? All the fans have been going crazy on all social media and it's all I see in magazines," Gemma asks and I shake my head. "I've been keeping him away from Twitter and we haven't exactly been out in public recently," I say and Gemma shakes her head.

"He deserves to know," She argues and I shake my head. "He doesn't need all the hate that is being thrown at him. I can take it and I will take it for him. I'm the one who they are questioning my sexuality because I've purposefully made it so that it is questionable. Louis has done nothing, but they are attaching him to me, so he is getting attacked and I can't let him go through that," I say and Gemma runs a hand through her hair.

"You can't handle it all on your own though, you and I both know how you were and what you used to do. You aren't strong enough to handle this by yourself and I don't want you breaking again," Gemma says, her voice getting soft as she talks about my self-harm. "I know, but I've got Louis and Louis has me, he doesn't need to know, because he will break, even worse than me," I say softly.

"Does he know...about you?" She asks and I nod. "Y-yeah, he-um-found the letter," I say, my voice shaky. "You wrote a suicide letter?" Gemma asks and I nod, a tear slipping out from my eye. "It was only to him, because of, you know," I say and I feel Gemma arms wrap around me.

"Oh Harry, I'm sorry," she whispers and I wrap my arms around her as she strokes my curls. "Yeah, I'm okay now," I say and I hear a 'meow'. My face brightens into a smile and I pull away from Gemma.

She chuckles and I look around for the source of the sound. I see the small cage in the corner of her room and I immediately go over to it.

"He's been waiting for awhile," Gemma says and I bend down, opening the cage and reaching in to pick up the kitten. I hold the black ball to my chest and I place kisses on top of its head.

"She's so cute," I say and Gemma smiles. "It took me forever to find one that matched your picture," she says and I kiss her cheek, keeping the kitten against my chest.

"Thank you," I say and she ruffles my curls. "Anything for my lovesick little brother," she teases and I gently hold the kitten as Gemma opens her bedroom door for me and I walk down the stairs, back to Louis.

-Louis-

After what feels like forever, and a short amount of time as well since I was talking to Anne and Robin, I hear the footsteps coming down the stairs. I smile brightly and Anne notices as I sit up straighter, waiting for Harry to appear with my present.

"Is the birthday boy ready?" I hear Harry call and just as I'm about to respond, Harry walks into the room, Gemma following right behind him, holding a black ball of fur to his chest.

Harry sits down next to me and holds out the animal to me. I coo at the small black kitten and I take it gently from Harry's hands. "Happy birthday, Lou," Harry says and I smile up at him.

He places a soft kiss to my lips and I turn back to the kitten, snuggling my nose into her small black body. "What's its name?" I ask and Harry smiles fondly at the two of us. "It's a he!" I hear Gemma say and I laugh at her, before turning my attention back to Harry.

"That's for you to decide," he says and I look down at the little thing in my arms. "Dagger," I say and Harry reaches his finger out, stroking the back of the kitten. "Because I am the dagger to your rose and this is the kitten that you gave me, so Dagger," I say and Harry smiles, kissing my cheek.

"I love it," he says and I smile at the soft kitten in my arms. "Okay you two, hold up Dagger and say 'cheese' we need a new photo, 4 years later!" Anne says, standing up and standing in front of us with her camera held up.

I hold the kitten in between Harry and I and he helps me hold it up. We both smile to the camera and I know that they are both genuine smiles.

Anne winks at us, causing me to blush and I know Harry is too and Anne snaps the picture, as we are blushing. I shake my head, because now it is just like the first picture.

Except that there is a new addition to the family.


	16. Chapter 16

-Louis-

"No, I'm not going," I cross my arms in front of my chest and Harry sighs, reaching up and removing my arms from my chest and wrapping our fingers together. "You have to go see your family for Christmas and your birthday," he says and I shake my head.

"I want to spend my birthday with you," I argue and Harry groans, releasing my hands. "Baby, please, you have to go back to your family. I know you've been shutting them out, just like you shut the boys out," he pleads and I sigh, knowing he's right.

"But I don't want to leave you," I mumble softly and tears prick my eyes at the thought of being separated from him. "You can call or text me at any time and we can FaceTime whenever you want, just please go with your family and hang out with them," Harry says and I walk towards him.

He wraps his arms around me and I bury my head into his chest. "Okay fine, I'll go," I give in reluctantly and Harry leans down, kissing my head. "Good," he says and I close my eyes.

"Promise we can see each other soon, though?" I asks softly, pulling away from him slightly to look up at his face. "Of course baby, I promise," he confirms and I smile.

"Now, let's get you packed up, yeah?" Harry suggests and I nod.

-

I unplug my earphones from my phone and stuff it into my pocket, getting ready for the plane to land. Flying first-class alone is quite boring, and frustrating as well when you're me.

I am soon directed off the plane and I keep my hood up, not wanting to attract any unwanted attention.

I quickly make it through the airport and I find my mum sitting in her car waiting. I thank the bodyguard and he makes sure I get into her car safely with my luggage loaded into the back.

My mum starts driving and she glances at me out of the corner of her eye every so often. I've curled up, resting my head on the door and I close my eyes.

I feel the car stop and I hear the jiggling of keys. I open my eyes and sit up to see my mum staring at me fondly.

"It's good to see you again, boobear," she says and I give her a smile, leaning over and kissing her cheek. "It's good to be here as well," I reply and I get out of the car.

I grab my suitcase from the back seat and I walk it up, following my mum into the house. I let Harry's sweater sleeves cover over my hands and I walk into my home.

My suitcase is dropped immediately as two running figures are being thrown at me. I laugh and I wrap my arms around both Phoebe and Daisy. "Hey you two, how are you?" I ask, smiling as they snuggle their faces into my neck.

"We missed you!" Their voices chorus together and I smile sadly. "I've missed you too, what's been going on?" I ask and Phoebe and Daisy look at each other.

"Phoebe's got straight A's!" Daisy says proudly and I turn to Phoebe giving her a wide smile. "You do?" I ask and she nods, her smile wide. "Yep! I've been doing all my homework and I've been studying for my tests and everything!" She says and I chuckle. "What about you Daisy?" I ask and she looks down. "I've got two B's, but the rest are A's," she says, looking up and smiling at the end. "Well that's great! Better than what I got in school!" I joke and they giggle.

I stand up from where I'm kneeling on my knees and I see Lottie and Fizzy walking over to us. "Hi Lou," Lottie says, wrapping her arms tightly around me. "Hey Lotts, how have you been?" I ask and she buries her face deeper into my shoulder. "Okay, I guess," she says and I frown. "Why's that?" I ask and she shrugs, pulling away from my shoulder and avoiding my eyes. "Just been missing you," she says, but I can tell she is half lying. I give her a smile though and pretend to believe her.

"Well I'm here now, so let's make the best of it, yeah?" I say, poking her cheek. She giggles and I smile. "Yeah," she replies and Fizzy comes over to me.

"Hey Fizz, what's up?" I ask and she just shakes her head, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I'm taken aback slightly, but I slowly move my arms around her. I hear her start to softly cry and I frown. "Fizzy, what's wrong?" I ask softly and she sniffs, shaking her head.

"You can tell me, what's bothering you love?" I ask again and she pulls away from my shoulder wiping her eyes. "The rumors that have been going around about you, my friends are starting to not want to hang out with me, because of what is happening and some of them are starting to ditch me and I just don't know what to do, because I don't know what the truth is anymore," she says and sniffs at the end as more tears fall down her face.

"What rumors Fizz?" I ask confused and she looks up at me with wide eyes. "Haven't you gone on Twitter at all in the past month? Or Instagram? Or looked at any magazines?" She asks and I shake my head, furrowing my eyebrows. "It's not been a really great month for me, so no I haven't," I mutter softly, as if I've done something wrong.

"The rumors about you and Harry," she says and I shake my head. "Those are always there, I don't know why that's to matter, they have always been there," I say and she shakes her head. "Not after the video of you crying and all the other stuff after that. Things have escalated and everyone is assuming that Harry is either gay or bisexual and they are associating him with you saying that you two are dating. But you're dating Eleanor, aren't you?" She says and my eyes move to the floor.

"I think I should-um-go see the babies," I mutter out softly and I start to walk towards the kitchen where my mum disappeared to. "Louis, you and Eleanor are dating, and you and Harry are not, right?" She asks again.

"Some people genuinely think that me and Harry are in a relationship," I say and Fizzy sighs. "Louis, please I just need to know," she says and I feel myself losing my patience.

"Some things we can't just know in life and we just have to accept that fact that some people like a bit of privacy!" My voice raises and Fizzy stares at me in shock, along with Lottie, Daisy, and Phoebe who had chosen that moment to come into the room.

I groan and run my hands through my hair, avoiding all their stares and walking into the kitchen where I see my mum.

"That wasn't a very good thing to do, yell at her," my mum says and I groan, pulling at my hair. "I know that, but she was getting on my nerves and I can't answer her questions right now," I say and Mum sighs.

"It seems like you are very stressed," she says and I sit down in the bar seat and I put my head in my hands. "More than you'll know," I mutter. "What was that?" She asks and I shake my head. "Nothing," I say and she sighs.

"Here, do you want to take Ernie?" She asks, holding out the baby that is on her hip. "Yeah sure," I mumble and I stand up off the chair and I move over, taking the baby from my mum.

I hold him in my arms and I take him into the living room, clear from all the girls thankfully, and I sit down on a blanket, amidst all the baby toys.

I rest Ernie in my lap, leaning his small back against me and spreading my legs out. I hear a 'meow' and I turn my head to see Dagger slowly walking over towards me.

I smile at the kitten, figuring Mum had let him out of his luggage carrier and he plants herself in front of Ernie, letting out and extremely long meow.

I throw my head back onto the couch laughing as the kitten just acts like nothing happened. I hear a click and I open my eyes and lean my head back up to see my mum looking at her phone and typing.

"Mum, what are you doing?" I ask and she smiles at me. "I'm just posting the most adorable picture onto Twitter, don't worry," she says and I watch Ernie as he tries to reach his hand out to touch Dagger, gurgling and clapping his hands together.

I laugh and I play with Ernie and Dagger for a little while longer until it is nap time. Apparently, Dan took Doris out for a little while and they just returned. I said a hello to Dan, earning a dirty look from Fizzy and I sigh, helping my mum cook dinner.

Well, I sat in the chair and talked to her whilst she cooked everything.

I mean let's face it, I don't even know how to whisk.

-

"I think I'm just gonna head up to bed now, I'm a bit tired from the flight," I say, grabbing my now-empty dinner plate and walking it into the kitchen, placing it in the sink.

"Alright love, have a good rest," my mum says and I go over, kissing her cheek. "Goodnight girls," I say, only gaining a soft goodnight from Daisy and Phoebe, as Lottie and Fizzy just ignore me.

My mum gives me a sad smile and I shake my head, turning around and walking up to my old room. I shut the door and sigh, sitting down on my bed.

"Why do I always have to mess things up?" I ask softly to myself. I shake my head and take out my phone.

I click onto the Twitter app for the first time in a month and a half. It loads and I click on my mentions, wondering what Fizzy was talking about.

I see all the tweets as I scroll through. My breath hitches in my throat and I feel the tears prick my eyes. Loads of tweets coming in about how I'm a gay faggot and no one likes me. I'm the worst in the band and I don't deserve to be in it. I shouldn't be in the band.

I cover my mouth with one hand and shut my phone off, placing it onto the table next to my bed. I hold the tears back and I strip down to just my boxers. I lie down on the bed, curling up underneath the blankets.

"It's not true. Harry loves you. Niall loves you. Liam and Zayn love you. Mum loves you. The twins love you. Fizzy loves you as well, she's just a bit mad at the moment," I whisper quietly to myself and I close my eyes, just wanting to sleep away everything.

-

"Look at you, the little faggot is here," I hear the taunting voice and I tense up. I try to move but my arms are constricted down. I am suddenly aware that I am sitting in a chair and I an tied down to it.

"Please Jake, just leave me alone," I plead with the shadow and it chuckles. "But we've just gotten started, my twenty notes haven't even been paid yet. I'm going to get my moneys worth on you," he says, still lurking around in the shadows.

I whimper and I try to struggle against the ropes even more. "Please, just let me go," I please once again and the chuckle returns, this time the figure steps into the light and I gasp.

"Harry," I whisper at the recognition of the figure. He chuckles menacingly and when he speaks, it is Jake's voice. "I'm your worst nightmare, and things are about to become terrifying," he whispers the last part and I scream.

"Louis!" My shoulders are being shaken and I thrash around, trying to move away from my attacker. "No! Let go of me!" I scream, terror coursing through me.

My fingernails are pressing into my wrist, digging in and dragging them, scratching at my wrists, drawing blood.

"Louis, stop it's your mum!" I hear and I scream, my fingers still digging through my wrists.

My hands are being pulled away from each other and I scream louder, needing to feel the pain.

"Harry! I need Harry!" I scream through my tears and I can't move my arms towards each other, them being held by strong arms, Dan's most likely.

"Lottie, call Harry with my phone, hurry!" I hear my mum yell to my sister and I scream louder, feeling the hands rake my body, touching me in places that only Harry should touch.

(I'm switching into Third Person POV)

"I don't know what happened, but he is screaming at the top of his lungs and scratching at his arms and saying he needs you," Jay rushes into the phone. Harry snaps awake and takes a deep breath.

"Put him on the phone, now," Harry says sternly and Jay doesn't need to be told twice. She moves over to where Dan is holding Louis' arms from trying to scratch himself again and she places her arm on Louis'.

"Harry is on the phone and I'm going to give you it, okay?" Jay says softly to her oldest son. Louis whimpers and tries to reach for the phone. Dan releases Louis' arms and Louis grabs the phone from Jay, holding it to his ear, the tears falling down his face freely now.

"Girls, let's give Louis some privacy," Dan says softly to the scared sisters in the doorway. Jay moves to sit in a chair, facing Louis so she can keep an eye on him. Dan herds the sisters out back to their bedrooms, as it is the middle of the night.

"Louis, baby, I need you to take deep breaths for me, yeah?" Harry says into the phone gently and Louis nods, matching his breathing with Harry's until he is calm.

"Alright, can you tell me what happened baby? Jay told me you were screaming and scratching at your wrists," Harry says sadly and Louis looks down at the bleeding wounds on his wrists.

"I-I came home and Fizzy was talking about the hate she was getting because of the rumors about me and I didn't know what she was talking about so I went on Twitter and I read through everything and I say...everything. I don't deserve to be in the band. I'm the worst and I don't even know why they put me in it. I can't sing at all and I'm nothing compared to the rest of you," Louis cries into the phone and Jay has to cover her mouth to stop her sobs. It is so painful hearing your child describe himself this way.

Louis has his back facing Jay and he is facing out the window. "No baby, you are so beautiful and handsome and you have the most beautiful voice on the planet. You are the sunshine and I love you so so much," Harry says into the phone, trying to show how wrong Louis is about himself.

"I love you too, Hazza," Louis whispers and wipes his cheek. "What made you break down, baby?" Harry asks softly and Louis closes his eyes, more tears falling down his face.

"I tried to sleep after reading through everything and I had a dream. It was Jake's voice and he was in the shadows. I was tied down in a chair and I couldn't escape to be free and he was saying how he was going to get his money's worth and then he stepped out of the shadows and it was you, but it was still Jake's voice and I woke up screaming and I couldn't help to scratch my wrists because I needed the pain again. Oh my god, I relapsed. I'm so sorry Harry," Louis cries even harder at the realization. Jay has silent tears falling down her cheeks as her son is describing these things in his life that she had no idea about.

"It's okay, it's okay, I need you to calm down again, yeah? No one is mad at you, because you relapsed. Yes, I'm disappointed, but I know that you can't just completely stop and it's a process that you have to get through it slowly, but that is what I'm here for," Harry says through the phone. Harry tries not to think about the dream Louis had, because that will just ruin Harry.

"How much longer until we can be together again?" Louis asks his voice breaking. "A few more weeks baby, but let's FaceTime right now. I think you need to see my face to cheer you up. And I want to see my sunshine," Harry says and Louis frowns.

"A few weeks? I can't go that long," Louis says softly and Harry frowns as well. "I know darling, but we will FaceTime or call everyday," Harry tries to reassure the broken boy and Louis pulls his mum's phone away from his face.

He grabs his phone from the bedside table and he turns it on, clicking on FaceTime and clicking on Harry's contact.

It starts ringing and Louis holds the phone out a little ways so Harry can see him. Soon, Harry's face is flooding Louis' screen. Louis smiles at Harry's hair that is pulled back into a bun.

He hangs up his mum's phone and he hears a small cough. He turns around to see his mum sitting in the chair watching him. Louis blushes when he realizes that Jay had been here the whole time.

(Back to Louis' POV)

"I'm okay for now Mum, I've got Harry to talk to. I think you should get some rest and let's talk in the morning?" I suggest to her and she wipes her eyes, giving me a smile and nodding.

"Okay, I love you," she says and stands up, walking over to me and kissing my cheek. I smile and watch as she leaves my room, shutting the door behind her.

I turn my attention back to Harry on my phone screen and I wipe my eyes, propping my phone up on my pillow so I don't have to hold it.

"Smile for me baby," Harry says through the phone and I give him a sad smile. "It's okay, we will get it soon," he says with a smile and we just sit like that, staring at each other for awhile.

We talk for a good hour and a half before Harry insists that we go back to bed. I frown and Harry suggests that I put the phone on my bed table and we will leave the FaceTime call on so we can fall asleep with each other.

"Goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you, Boo," Harry says and Louis smiles. "I love you too, Hazza. Goodnight and have sweet dreams," I tell him and he lets out a tired laugh which turns into a yawn.

I curl underneath my blankets, facing towards my phone and listening to Harry's breaths, letting them put me to a peaceful sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

-Louis-

I open my eyes to see a sleeping figure sleeping soundly, facing the camera. I smile and watch Harry through my small phone.

I see the eyes flutter and Harry's eyes open, his face brightening into a smile.

"Hello darling, how are you feeling?" Harry asks and I smile. "I didn't have any more nightmares last night," I say and Harry's face remains in its smile.

"That's good," he says and I frown down at my arm, seeing all the dried blood. "You should clean that up, baby," Harry mutters and I close my eyes, sighing softly.

"I know," I whisper and trace the torn skin with my other finger. "FaceTime me tonight, okay?" Harry says and I nod. "Okay, I love you," I say and Harry blows me a kiss cheesily. "I love you too," he says and I smile, ending the call and shutting my phone off, plugging it into the charger. I check the time to see it is already noon.

I pad my way to the bathroom and I turn on the shower. I examine my wrist/arm and frown. This shouldn't have happened and it scares me, because I couldn't control it.

I strip out of my boxers and step into the shower. I wince as I wash off the dried blood and the water enters the cuts, causing them to sting.

I continue on with my shower and then I get out, drying off and wrapping the towel around my waist.

I open up the cabinet and I see the bandage tape. I grab it and wrap my arm, making sure that the blood doesn't seep through.

I sigh and walk back out to my room. I slip on a pair of boxers and joggers. I find Harry's sweatshirt and I slip it on, covering my wrapped arm.

I ruffle my hair and throw my towel into the bathroom, not bothering to make my hair nice.

I take a deep breath and prepare myself to go downstairs. I open my door slowly and I walk down the stairs cautiously, not hearing any voices. I furrow my eyebrows together and I go into the kitchen, seeing my mum sitting in the bar seat with a cup of coffee in front of her and her head in her hands.

"Mum, where is everyone else?" I ask, my voice coming out more timid then I wanted it to. "Dan volunteered to take them out for a little so that you and I could talk alone for a few minutes," she replies, moving her head out of her hands and giving me a soft smile.

I look down and I start playing with my fingers. "Would you like some tea?" She asks and I nod, moving to sit on the bar stool as she gets up and pops the kettle on, making my tea.

We sit in silence until my tea is ready and she hands it to me. I follow her to the couch and sit down, facing her as we are sitting on opposite sides of the same couch.

"Let's start off with what is going on with you and Harry?" She asks and I blush, looking down into my cup. "We are-eh-dating," I mumble out, my cheeks red. I hear my mum chuckle and I look up at her.

"Anne and I figured it wouldn't be long until you two figured out that you were meant to be together," she says and my jaw drops. "You thought I was gay?" I ask and she chuckles again. "Well, you definitely weren't straight, given the way you talk about Harry and the way you act around Harry and the way you look at Harry," she says and I blush.

"You got me," I say and she smiles. "What happened with you and Eleanor though?" She asks, softly as if it was a sore subject. "She was a bitc-uh-rude little girl and quite annoying and when I called her to break up with her, she was fuckin-sorry-having sex with another guy and cheating on me basically as I'm breaking up with her," I say, shrugging.

"Oh, Lou, I'm so sorry," my mum says and I give her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, I was glad to get her out of my life," I say and my mum smiles.

"Next subject, what happened last night?" She asks, her voice getting softer. My face falls and I swallow, taking a deep breath and mustering up my courage.

"Well I think you heard what my dream was about when I told Harry over the phone. But, about a month and a half ago, I was at a bar and I met this guy named Jake-" my mum's breath hitches at the mention of the name of the guy who was in my nightmare. "We basically got acquainted over a few hours and then he sold me and I was-um-I was raped," I say, my voice lowering to a whisper, not wanting to bring back those memories.

I look up to my mum's eyes and she has tears falling down her face. She holds her arms out and I cuddle up into her, climbing across the couch. She holds me and I fell my eyes start to water as well.

"I shut everyone out, except for Harry, and it hasn't really been a good month for me, as you could see," I say and my mum shakes her head, still crying and holding my head to her chest. "No, my baby, you shouldn't have to go through any of this," she cries and I bury my face into her.

She continues rambling on and I let her. I hear voices and I look up to see the girls standing in the doorway. I sigh and I carefully pull away from my mum as she quickly tries to wipe her eyes.

I sit back onto the couch and the girls walk closer to us, Dan following behind holding Ernie as Lottie is holding Doris.

"Hey girls, how was lunch?" Mum asks, still trying to wipe away her tears. "It was good," Phoebe says.

Lottie and Fizzy look between my mum and I quizzically and everyone comes to sit either next to us or around us.

"I think a little family meeting is called for," Mum suggests and I nod, along with Dan and the girls.

"I know Mommy told us not to ask you about anything, but I can't take it anymore. Are you okay Louis?" Daisy suddenly bursts out and I immediately give her a smile, holding my arms out to her. She stands up from her spot and runs into them. I hold her close and run my hands through her hair.

"I'm alright Dais, there's no need for you to worry. Don't cry, love," I say when I hear her start to cry into my chest. I sigh and pull her closer to me. "Happy times," I say and she pulls away, giggling a little and wiping her eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Phoebe asks standing up to come over next to Daisy, facing me. "Yeah Phoebs, I'm okay," I say and she flings her arms around my neck as well.

"I was really scared," she whispers and I rub her back. "There's no need to be, I'm just the same as I always am, don't worry about me, I'll be fine," I whisper and she nods, pulling away and wiping her eyes as well.

Lottie comes over, having handed Doris off to Mum and she wipes her eyes. "I'm sorry I was mad at you yesterday, I didn't mean it, honest," Lottie apologizes and I give her a smile, standing up and giving her a hug. "It's alright, you had every right to be mad at me. Nothing is your fault," I reassure her and she nods, going back to sit on the floor.

Fizzy comes over and keeps her head facing the ground. "I'm sorry I got mad at you yesterday and I was pressuring you into telling me things. I just wanted to know because it's really affecting me and I just don't know what to believe anymore," she says and I hold my arms out. She rushes into them and buries her head into my chest as she cries. I rub her back and hold her head to my chest.

"Hey, hey, there's no need to cry. I know this must be very hard on you and I'm sorry that there is nothing I can do. It is what it is basically, and we can't control that. I'm not mad at you, love, you just wanted to know things and it's my fault because I shouldn't have yelled at you," I whisper and she nods, pulling away and giving me a smile as she wipes her eyes.

I turn to Dan who is sitting in a chair holding Ernie. "Thanks for-um-holding me back last night," I mutter and Dan nods sadly, eyes flickering to my sweatshirt covered arm.

I sit back down on the couch and everyone looks at me expectantly. I turn to look at my mum and she nods, knowing what I want to tell everyone. I take a deep breath and look around at the faces of my family.

"So, there's one more thing that I think you all should know," I start and they all nod, encouraging me to go on, whilst Mum sits there with a smug smile on her face.

"Harry and I are dating," I rush out and Lottie gives me a small smile. Fizzy looks down and plays with her hands whilst Daisy and Phoebe look at me confused. "What about Eleanor?" They ask and I give them a smile. "We broke up a little while ago," I say and they make an 'oh' face and give me smiles, still a bit too young to understand the big understanding of the fact that I'm dating Harry.

"I'm happy for you Lou," Lottie says and I give her a thank-you and a smile. Daisy and Phoebe give me another hug and then pick up the babies from the parents and carry them off into the playroom, laughing and giggling as they go.

"What happened with you and Eleanor," Fizzy asks, still playing with her hands. "She cheated on me," I state to put it simply and Fizzy nods, looking up at me. "Well at least I know the truth. I'm happy for you," she says and I give her a smile. "Thanks Fizz," I say and Dan walks over, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm proud of you and Harry," he says and I nod, giving him a thank-you and he goes to the playroom, probably to supervise both pairs of twins.

Mum gives me another hug and then she follows Dan. Lottie and Fizzy disappear up to their rooms and I sigh.

I reach into my pocket and take out my phone, clicking on Harry's contact and calling him.

"Hey boo," I hear his voice flood into my phone and I smile. "Hi," I reply. "What do I earn the honor of this call?" He asks and I chuckle.

"Well, I just told my family about us and they took it pretty well I guess," I say, laying down onto the couch, facing the ceiling.

"What do you mean I guess?" He asks concerned and I sigh. "Well, I don't think Fizzy is very fond of the idea. She said that she had been getting hate from her friends and I guess she thought that Eleanor and I are still dating, which technically to the world we still are, so telling her that you and I were dating probably ruined her thoughts," I rant. "Is she mad at you?" He asks and I shake my head, but then I reply out loud.

"No, she said she was happy for me, but she wasn't exactly as excited as my mum was," I say and Harry sighs. "Well you can only hope she'll warm up to the idea," he says. "Yeah, I guess," I say.

"Louis! Come in here and take one of the babies! You can help me put them to sleep!" I hear my mum yell and I hear Harry laugh. "You're being called," he says and I giggle.

"Okay Mum! Let me say goodbye to Harry and I'll be right there!" I yell back. "Oh! Harry? Tell him I say hi!" She calls and Harry laughs again. "Tell her I say hello. I'll talk to you later Boo, I love you," Harry says. "I love you too," I reply and hang up the phone, stuffing it in my pocket and going into the toy room.

"Harry says hello," I say to my mum as I walk in and she smiles. "You two are so adorable," she coos and I roll my eyes, bending down and picking up Doris from playing on the floor.

"Let's put these two to bed, yeah?" Mum says and we walk them upstairs to their bedroom to put them down for their naps.


	18. Chapter 18

-Louis-

"Harry, do you love me?" I ask insecurely and quickly as I stare weakly at my laptop screen in front of me. "Of course I do Boo, what's on your mind?" He asks through the phone, knowing something is wrong.

"It's just that, I've seen all these pictures of you and Nadine for the past month and we have been apart for so long, and I don't want you to leave me," I mutter out softly at the end.

"Louis, I'm gay. Completely, flat out, twirly lined, gay. You shouldn't have to worry when I go out with a girl into public. Nadine is just a friend and frankly, you know management is just doing this on purpose for her to be another December girlfriend, even though it's now January," he says and I sigh.

"I know, but I still get jealous. Especially when I'm all alone in our flat," I mutter and Harry laughs. "We're gonna be together again in a week, think you can hold on that long?" He asks softly and I groan. "I guess," I mutter. "Okay, I've got to go now, Jeff is calling. I love you," he says and I smile upon hearing those words. "Love you too," I say and we hang up. I flop down onto my bed and sigh, facing up at the ceiling.

I really, really, really want to see him again.

-

My phone starts to ring and I reach my hand over, yawning as I try to wake up from my peaceful nap.

I grasp the phone and open one eye, squinting and sliding the button over to answer it.

"Hello?" I mumble, closing my eyes and laying my head back onto the pillow.

"Louis, we have something very important we need to talk about," I hear Harry Magee say over the phone. "I'm on vacation, can't it wait?" I mutter, yawning.

"No, it can't," he states and I sigh. "Fine, where should I meet?" I ask. "Just come in to the office in an hour. We'll be waiting," he says and I roll my eyes, giving him and okay and then hanging up, throwing my phone onto the bed next to me.

I sigh and reach my hands up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I yawn once again and then I roll out of the bed.

I run a hand through my hair and I slip on some clothes, not necessarily dressing like a bum, but dressing somewhat nice.

I grab my phone and my keys and I go outside mine and Harry's flat, locking the door and getting into my car.

I drive to management's building and I park my car, putting my ticket up so that the parking officer knows I am actually allowed to be there.

I slowly walk into the building, not excited to be talking to management on my own.

I enter the air-conditioned lobby and walk over to the receptionist who gives me a smile and tells me to head on up.

I thank her and take the lift up to the normal floor. I go into the meeting room to see Harry Magee along with some other members of management.

"Thank you for coming Louis," Magee says and I roll my eyes. "It's not like I have a choice," I mutter and he sighs.

"Let's get started, shall we?" He changes the subject as I sit down. "So, you are going to LA with Liam in order to write some new songs, am I correct?" Magee asks me and I nod. "Yeah, in a week," I confirm and he nods. "And Sofia is going with Liam?" He asks and I nod, not knowing where he is going with this.

"So, I'm sure you've been aware of what's been happening lately, yes?" He asks and I sigh, knowing this is not going to lead to anything good. "Every single person who is not living under a rock is aware," I say and Magee closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

"We need to stop these rumors from expanding even more," Magee says. "Why? The fans enjoy it and frankly, it gains more publicity. Isn't that what you want? Publicity for us equals money for you," I say and Magee shakes his head. "This is the bad kind of publicity that we don't want. We can't have people thinking you are gay, or bisexual," Magee says and I roll my eyes.

"Well, it looks like I am, so I think we may have a problem," I say and the other management members look surprised. "Of course you are. Great, this just gets better and better," Magee says sarcastically, putting his head in his hands.

"So, what are you planning?" I ask, wanting to move on from my confession. "You and Eleanor are going to be flying out to LA together with Liam and Sofia and you will be renting a villa with the four of you," he says and my eyes go wide.

"Eleanor? No! Absolutely no fucking way. Never in any lifetime. Hell. No," I say, shaking my head. "You have to Louis, you and Eleanor have to still be dating to the public world," Magee says, almost sounding...sorry?

"No, I refuse. I am not going anywhere with that slut. She was cheating on me as I was breaking up with her, I am never speaking with her again," I state and Magee sighs.

"Yes, you are flying out with her to LA in one week and that is final," he says and I throw my arms in the air, preparing myself to argue but the look on Magee's face stops me. He gives me the look saying that this is not arguable and I won't change anything.

"At least let me fly out a little bit earlier so I can see Harry," I mutter, giving up. "Okay, you will be flying out before Liam. How does in 4 days sound?" He asks and I nod.

"Whatever, is that all?" I ask, my mood completely drained. "Yes, you may go," Magee says, already starting to pack up his things.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to keep the tears from coming to my eyes.

I stand up and exit the room, not bothering to thank the devils who make my life miserable.

I pull out my phone, immediately clicking on the contact of the person I need to talk to, not caring that it's late in LA.

"Wha-Lou?" I hear a grumble over the line and that's when the tears hit me. I step out of the building and I quickly rush to my car, getting in and letting out a breath before letting the tears fall down my face.

"Baby, what's wrong?" I hear Harry's now-awake voice and I cry harder at the thought.

"They're making me fly out with Eleanor to LA to stop the rumors and I can't look at her after what she did! Harry, I can't do this!" I cry into the phone and I can hear Harry's surprise and he tries to calm me down.

My tears eventually calm down to sniffles and then Harry starts to talk. "They can't do that, why does it have to be Eleanor?" He asks and I shake my head, wiping my eyes. "They can, and I don't know why. I guess it's because according to the public, me and her are dating," I mutter

"They shouldn't do this to you. Do they know what she did to you?" He asks, and I know he's getting angry. "Yes, and they are still making me do this," I say sadly and Harry huffs.

"Well they can just wait until I get to them," he says and I shake my head. "You can't do anything about it," I say and Harry sighs, knowing it's true.

"I can't stand to see you like this, though," he mutters. "But, at least they are letting fly out early to be with you," I say, lifting the mood. "Really?!" Harry asks, his voice turning to excitement.

"Yep, in four days I'll be back with you," I say and my face brightens just at the thought. "I can't wait," Harry mumbles happily through the phone.

"Me neither."

-

"Lou! How have you been?" That annoying little ass-shit voice rings out and I physically cringe at it. I let my eyes drift up from my phone and she is towering over me, as I'm sitting on the couch.

She has a smile on her face and her hair is down, her sunglasses on top of her head. She is looking at me expectantly and I decide to just ignore her, not wanting to deal with her at the moment.

"I said, how have you been?" She asks, plopping down on the couch, much too close to me for my liking.

"I am only doing this so I won't get sued, so if you would kindly shut the fuck up and stop acting like you are some perfect little angel and that everything between us is fine and dandy, then that would be absolutely amazing, thanks," I say and stand up off the waiting couch and onto one of the chairs as I wait for our flight to be ready.

Eleanor stares at me in shock and I ignore her and go back to my phone, texting Harry all that just happened which he responded to with laughing, because he says that I am still the sassiest person he has ever met.

I see Eleanor roll her eyes and take another sip of her Starbucks drink. I continue texting Harry until I am told that our flight is ready.

Once I'm boarded on the plane, as far away from Eleanor as possible, I close my eyes, thinking about how I am going to see Harry again in just 13 hours.

-

I can't bring it in me to smile at all. Not even a small grimace, no. Eleanor is way too close to me and the management girl is still scooting her closer to me.

"Great now just pretend like you are walking and let the pap snap the picture," she says and I roll my eyes. We are currently standing at the top of the down escalator and the pap quickly takes the picture. I immediately move away from Eleanor and then I follow the security out to the car waiting for me.

I sigh, knowing that the whole picture was a set-up, I mean, we were walking up a down escalator, and I'm secretly hoping that the fans will notice how miserable I am with Eleanor and that the whole thing is a set-up by management.

I rest my head against the door of the car and I wait as they drive to the villa where Liam and I are staying at with Sophia and Eleanor.

Except Eleanor is going home in 3 days, so basically just Sophiam and me. Then again, I'm gonna be with Harry most of the time, so it's actually only Liam and Sophia.

Not that I would want to be there with those two, Liam's a bit feisty nowadays if ya know what I mean.

My knee is bouncing up and down from excitement, because in a few minutes I will be with Harry again. It's been a whole month and it's been way too long since I've felt his touch.

We arrive at the villa and I grab my own bag, not bothering to grab Eleanor's. She can take in her own shit, I'm not doing anything for her.

I open the door and immediately throw down my luggage and go back outside, anxious to go see Harry.

I am driven in a normal car, as not to draw attention, and I thank the driver as he drops me off at Harry's flat. He gives me a smile and wishes me good luck before driving away.

I quickly go up to the door, having already gone through his stupid security shit, and the door opens, revealing my man.

My face widens into a smile and I gently set Dagger's carrier down and I run towards him, jumping up and wrapping my legs around his waist. He chuckles as he backs up to regain his balance and he supports my thighs as I wrap my arms around his neck, burying my face into it and breathing in his familiar smell.

"I've missed you so much," I mumble into his neck and I feel his hair tickle my cheek and I bring my legs down to stand.

"I've missed you too baby," he says, ushering me inside, grabbing Dagger, and shutting the door. He immediately wraps his arms back around me and I bury my face into his chest.

He pulls away and grabs onto my wrist gently, pulling up the sweater sleeve and making sure there are no new cuts.

"Don't worry, I haven't done it," I reassure him and he gives me a happy smile, smashing his lips onto mine. "I'm so, so proud of you," he says happily and I laugh.

"Thanks," I say shyly, my cheeks turning a little pink. "You're eating?" He asks, making sure and I nod. "You're getting better," he says happily and wraps his arms around my waist.

I chuckle and he bends down, letting Dagger out of the carrier and letting him get used to his new surroundings, and he leads me over to the kitchen. "So, what are we planning?" He asks and I shrug. "I don't know really, your birthday is next week," I say and he nods, his smile growing. I hop onto the counter and Harry begins to make me some tea, knowing I'm a bit tired from my flight.

"I'm having a party," he says and I raise my eyebrow, because I didn't know this. "Oh?" It comes out as a question and Harry nods. "Yep, and there is a secret guest that I invited, just for you," he says and I raise my eyebrows.

"Who?" I ask and he shakes his head, smiling cheekily. "Guess you'll have to wait and see," He says and I groan. "You and your stupid surprise cliché shit," I mutter and Harry laughs, handing me my finished tea.

I take a small sip, making sure it isn't too hot and I hop off the counter, following Harry to his living room and sitting on the couch my legs sprawled over Harry's lap.

"I saw the picture of you and Eleanor at LAX. It's everywhere," Harry says softly and I frown. "It was staged," I say and Harry nods. "Yeah, you must really love her to walk up the down escalator," he makes a joke out of it and I smile, letting out a small laugh.

"Some of the fans have been proving that since the photo was published and they also noticed your face in the picture. You seem extremely happy to be with your girlfriend," Harry says and I sigh.

"Too bad I have a boyfriend instead," I mutter, leaning over and pressing a kiss to Harry's lips and curling into his chest, putting my tea on the table.

"Mm, yeah, that is too bad," he mutters, his cheeky smile growing and he cradles my body close to him. "Liam and Sophia aren't getting here until tomorrow," I say, changing the subject and Harry nods. "You and Liam going to write some songs?" He asks and I nod. "Yeah, that was the excuse they made for me to fly out to LA to be with you," I say, laughing and Harry chuckles.

"I might come with you, ya know, just to help you write," he says and I giggle. "Yeah, that's the reason you want to come," I say and he smiles, kissing my forehead. "Of course, it's totally not because I want to spend every single moment with my lovely boyfriend," he says, sarcastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically filler but I just wanted to get an update out in honor of harry and louis taking a fucking plane fucking alone fucking just the two of them for fucking 15 hours and then harry having a fucking bigger hole in his shirt and fucking cum stains on his black jeans when he gets off of the fucking plane and then the fucking picture of them in the airport and im just not fucking ready
> 
> Also this is in honor of OTRAT starting in exactly 1 hour and 38 minutes and no control better happen and they better not pull some shit with us where louis' voice is not prominent otherwise i will personally get on a flight and turn louis' mic up all the way myself
> 
> Goodnight im running a 5k in 9 hours someone shoot me
> 
> -Em


	19. Chapter 19

-Louis-

"It's your birthday!" I yell, rolling over on top of Harry and he groans. I laugh and bury my face into his neck and he groans, squeezing his eyes shut.

"It's only my birthday party today, my actual birthday is tomorrow," he mumbles, not wanting to wake up for the day. "I know, but it counts as your birthday today, too, because it's your party and we have to get everything ready," I say, excited to see the special surprise Harry has for me.

"It's too early Lou, let me sleep some more," he slurs, burying his head into the pillow and I sigh, rolling off of him and laying down next to him.

"Fine, we can sleep for a little bit more," I say, sad that he won't get up with me. "I promise that I'll get up in 30 minutes and we can take a shower together, sound better?" He offers and I smile, pressing my face into his bare back and pressing my lips to random places on it.

"Mm, sounds lovely," I mumble and close my eyes, letting Harry sleep for a little bit longer.

-

"Okay, Louis, I'm going to need you to stay calm, because I think your mystery person just got here," Harry says and I gasp, immediately going to stand on my tiptoes to try and see who is here.

"No! Close your eyes!" Harry says immediately and placing his hand over my eyes giggling. I giggle and place my hand over his, covering my eyes. "Okay, they're closed," I say and he removes his hand. "I'll be right back. No peeking!" He calls and I stand there, covering my eyes, because I love the dork.

"Okay, you can open your eyes now," Harry says and I open them to see my childhood star standing in front of me. "Harry, you didn't," I say, staring dumbfounded at the gorgeous man in front of me.

And I'm not talking about Harry.

"Louis, I'd like you to meet David Beckham," Harry says, gesturing to the man whom Harry has his arm around.

"Oh my god, I love you," I rush out, my words jumbling together and Harry laughs, moving away from David and coming next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pushing me forward a bit.

"Go, have fun, get some drinks, talk about footie with him. This is my thank you for switching mics with me on the X-Factor so I could be next to Ronnie Wood. I love you," Harry says, placing a kiss to my cheek and David laughs.

"He invited me and told me how you were such a big fan and I remembered how you didn't get to meet me that one time," David says and I frown, remembering that day. "Yeah, I was mad for weeks, still am actually, but I guess this is better," I say laughing and Harry waves to me, I return it, as David and I walk towards the bar, starting up a conversation about footie.

A few hours later, I find myself back with Harry and we are waiting in line to go into the photo booth. We are both a bit tipsy, but not completely drunk.

Harry's arm is slung casually around my waist and we are joking around with Cara and someone else who are standing with us in line.

Soon, it is our turn and Harry drags me by my hand behind the curtain.

"Okay, what are our poses?" He asks, looking at me excitedly. I laugh and shrug. "Let's just wing it," I say and he smiles happily at me.

He presses the button on the screen and the countdown starts. "Smiley!" He says and he throws his arm around my shoulder, me wrapping mine around his waist. The flash goes off and then Harry releases my shoulders and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Grumpy!" He calls out and I try to pretend to pout, but my smile breaks through and I see Harry having the same problem. The shot is taken and Harry turns so his back is facing me.

"We have to go back to back, and do the westside thing, because we are gangsters!" Harry says and I giggle because he is just so, so happy.

I press my back against his and we pull our best gangster face and my hands cross in the westside fingers. The picture snaps and Harry turns back to face me.

"My favorite one," he says, reaching his hands up to cup my face. I reach my hands to cup his and I go up on my tiptoes. "Oh really, and what might that be?" I ask, a mischievous smile and he smiles back.

"Kissy!" He says and we press our lips together just in time for the camera to snap the picture and then we pull away laughing, Harry dragging me out of the booth so we can get the prints.

I see Liam and Sophia giving us a fond look from their spot in line and I give them a wave with the hand that is not taken by Harry's and Liam looks to Harry, laughing at his excitement.

I shrug and Liam shakes his head at us, laughing to himself. "Louis, look!" Harry calls and I turn my attention back to him, taking one copy of the photo booth prints from him, letting him keep the other one.

"I'm framing this and it can go next to the picture of you, me, and David Beckham," I say and Harry wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me into him and pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"I love you so much," he says and I smile, leaning into him a bit and admiring our four photos.

"I love you," I reply and I can see Harry smile as he gives my waist a small squeeze.

-

"Harry?" I ask softly from where we are cuddled up on the couch. It's been 3 days since Harry's birthday party and we are starting our tour in less than a week. "Yeah boo?" Harry asks, squeezing his arms around me to assure me that he is there.

"What if Jake shows up again?" I ask softly. The thought has been bothering me ever since he showed up to the interview. Harry tenses around me and he buries his face into my neck.

"I'm not letting him near you ever again," Harry says firmly and I sigh, gripping Harry's large hands and playing with them as they rest on my stomach.

"But what if he sneaks in again to try to interview us, or if he walks up to us on the streets. What am I going to do?" I ask, my heart starting to race as I think of all the worst scenarios.

"Baby, relax, please, you're getting yourself too worked up. Take some deep breaths for me," Harry whispers and I realize that my whole body has started shaking. I take deep breaths, focusing on matching my breathing with Harry's until I'm calm again.

"We can try to get him in jail. He needs to go for what he's done to you," Harry whispers, and he perks up at the idea. "Yeah, we can hire an extremely good lawyer who can make sure that justice is brought and we can keep you safe from him forever," Harry says, voicing the idea as it comes to him.

"But what if it doesn't work? He wasn't technically the one who raped me and I don't even know who did it, because they were just two large men," I say, my voice cracking again at the thought of those memories and I can already feel the tears building in my eyes.

Harry cradles my head close to him and I can't help but let a few tears fall. "Hey, hey, none of that. You are so much better than them and you deserve everything my baby. You are so beautiful to me and I love you, never forget that baby, I love you so much," Harry says, reassuring me as he presses kisses into my hair.

"I know, but it still haunts me, whenever I think about it," I say and Harry hugs me close to him. "I know baby, and it shouldn't have happened to you, because you don't deserve this at all. Let's not think about that though, okay? We can only bring this to court when we have time and we don't really have a long of that at the moment, so let's save all this until we get on break from the tour, and until then, I will protect you from everything," Harry says and I smile, knowing he will take care of me.

"I know you'll be there for me," I say softly and he leans down, tilting my face up. "I will always be here," he says before placing a kiss on my lips.

-Harry-

I gently unwrap my arms from around Louis and slowly climb out of the bed, making sure not to wake him up. I grab my journal and go downstairs quietly, grateful that I didn't wake Louis up.

I enter the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea before going to sit on the couch. It's 3am, yet I am sat here, feeling the urge to write down the events that have been happening so far.

I doesn't understand why these things had to happen to my Louis. My beautiful, lovely, sassy, perfect angel, Louis.

Louis deserves the whole world, but he can't see it due to his insecurities and that kills me, because Louis can't see just how perfect he is.

I sigh and pick up my pen and opening up my journal to a blank page. I start to write down everything that has been happening in just the past two months and I feel tears start to brim my eyes.

I feel the tears start to fall and I toss the pen down, holding my head in my hands and letting the tears fall down my face.

I shakily reach for my phone and I unlock it, going to call Niall. It rings and then he answers, his chirpy voice flooding through the speakers.

"Harry!" The blonde lad says happily and I sniff, smiling through my tears. "Hey Ni," I say, my voice soft and I hear Niall's mood change. "What's wrong?" He asks concerned and I sigh.

"It's just that, Louis and I were talking earlier and it just brings back the memories and I'm just so disappointed that I can't show Louis how perfect he is, because he never believes me when I tell him," I rant, feeling the tears build up agin.

"Hey, don't cry. It's a work in progress and he is already improving. I haven't seen Louis this happy in so long. I'd say you're doing a pretty damn fine job. There's no reason to worry," Niall says and I smile. "Thanks Ni," I say and I hear Niall's chuckle on the other side. It quickly seizes and I sit up concerned, but Niall starts talking.

I turn my phone on speaker, setting it down on the table as I start to pick up my things, placing them into a pile.

"Have you told him yet?" Niall asks and it takes me a moment to remember what he's talking about. I quickly remember my secret I shared with Niall and I groan, letting Niall know my answer.

"No, I don't want to tell him anything. Things have been going so well and I don't want to ruin it," I say softly, making sure I don't wake up a sleeping Louis upstairs.

"Just be sure to tell him soon, he deserves to know Harry, even if it will ruin things, you can't be keeping him in a lie," Niall warns and I sigh, running my hands through my hair and stare at the phone on the table, imagining Niall physically sitting there.

"I know, I know, and I'll tell him soon, I promise," I say. "Okay, I'll see you in a week Harry. Ready for the tour?" Niall asks, clearly excited. "Yep, I'm gonna go get some more sleep, thanks," I say and we exchange goodbyes before hanging up.

I gather up my empty tea cup and I grab my journal and pen, placing the cup in the sink and going quietly back upstairs. I set my journal back onto the nightstand and then I slowly crawl back into the bed with Louis.

I wrap my arms around his waist and pull his body into my chest, smiling as I kiss his hair.

-Louis-

I feel Harry get out of the bed and I pretend like I'm asleep, thinking he is just going to the bathroom. I slightly open one eye and see Harry leaving the room. I frown and wait a few minutes before climbing out of the bed.

I walk quietly down the stairs and I see Harry sitting on the couch, holding his head in his hands with his shoulders racking as he sobs.

My heart aches and I just want to reach out and hug him towards me and cradle him into my chest.

Just as I'm about to go over to him and comfort him, he reaches for his phone and I stop, wondering what he is doing.

Harry starts talking to the person on the phone and I realize it's Niall, from Harry saying his name.

"It's just that, Louis and I were talking earlier and it just brings back the memories and I'm just so disappointed that I can't show Louis how perfect he is, because he never believes me when I tell him," Harry rants sadly and I feel my eyes water.

Niall says something, I'm guessing, but I can'y actually hear him on the other side of the phone, but Harry smiles, so I think it was something encouraging. "Thanks Ni," I hear him say. Something happens and Harry sits up, turning the phone on speaker and setting it down on the table as he starts to collect his things together.

"Have you told him yet?" Niall asks and I can hear his voice clearly through the speaker-phone. I watch as Harry furrows his eyebrows before groaning.

"No, I don't want to tell him anything. Things have been going so well and I don't want to ruin it," Harry says softly and I frown. Tell me what? What is it going to ruin?

"Just be sure to tell him soon, he deserves to know Harry, even if it will ruin things, you can't be keeping him in a lie," Niall says sternly and it takes everything in me not to run into the living room and ask what he needs to tell me. What could be so bad?

"I know, I know, and I'll tell him soon, I promise," Harry says and I don't hear the rest as I turn around to walk quietly back up to Harry's bedroom and I fall into the bed, curling up under the covers.

What could be so bad that Harry thinks it will ruin our relationship? Why does Niall know and not me?

I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. It can't be anything too horrible, so I'll just wait until Harry tells me and I won't get paranoid over it.

Yeah, I won't get paranoid.


	20. Chapter 20

-Louis-

"Louis! Are you sure you want to do this?" Harry asks and I nod quickly. "Yes! We will just give subtle hints to let the fans know," I say and Harry laughs, pulling me into his chest. "You're right. Okay, you ready to go? All packed for everything? Are you sure you got everything?" Harry rambles and I giggle, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing a kiss to his lips, having to stand on my tiptoes to do so.

"Stop worrying, everything will be fine," I try to comfort him. "I know, it's just that we won't have time off for a few months and I want to make sure that you have everything," he mumbles.

"C'mon, let's go out to the cars that are waiting, yeah?" I say and Harry nods, grabbing his suitcase and leaving his flat. I follow behind him with my suitcase and he shuts and locks his door.

We walk out to the two separate cars and he gives me a wink and a wave before getting into the first one. I smile to myself and get into the second one and the cars start driving us to LAX.

Harry's car veers off and he goes to enter the airport through the front, whilst my car goes to the back. There are fans waiting on either side and I am let out, but quickly escorted through the fans by security.

I try to look up in some of the pictures they try to take, but I'm being pushed through too fast. I get through the terminal, someone taking my suitcase from me to put it through baggage and I am quickly escorted onto the plane.

I see Harry already sitting in it and I rush over to him, running into his arms and he laughs, wrapping them around me.

"How was the walk?" He asks and I sigh, sitting down on the seat next to him and curling into his chest. "Crowded, but I was able to smile knowing you are here, and that Twitter is probably exploding due to the fact that people are putting two and two together," I say and Harry smiles, kissing my forehead.

"Subtle hints," he whispers and I nod. "Subtle hints," I confirm and take out my phone, seeing as we are not taking off yet.

I open up Twitter and watch as Harry does the same. I smile when I see that Harry and Louis is already trending and Harry wraps his arm around me, bringing me closer to him as we show each other funny tweets about us at the airport.

I put my phone away, Harry doing the same, as we prepare for the takeoff. I put my seatbelt on and Harry grips my hand, giving it a small squeeze as I shut my eyes.

"I still don't like flying very much," I mumble, keeping my eyes squeezed shut. "I know baby, just squeeze my hand whenever you start to panic, I'm right here for you," he says and I squeeze his hand, earning a chuckle.

"You're okay," he whispers and kisses the side of my head as I feel my body tense up as the plane starts to move down the runway, going to takeoff.

Soon, we are in the air and are able to get comfortable again. I curl up into Harry again as I prepare for the 13+ hour flight ahead of us.

"What to do for 13 hours?" Harry hums lowly in my ear and I shiver. "Mm, I have some ideas," I say lowly back, matching his tone of voice. "I see," Harry says, letting a smirk slip its way onto his lips.

-

We get off the plane and Harry stays next to me this time as we go to get our suitcases and we walk through the airport together. I see a pap take a picture and I try not to smile to myself, because I know that that will be everywhere in seconds.

We reach the back door and security says we have to go out separately, which I frown to, and then I am led out of the airport. I put on my largest smile, letting my face glow, because I mean, airplane sex is pretty amazing.

I thank the driver and shake his hand before waving to the waiting fans and climbing into the car. My suitcase is set into the trunk and then my car starts to drive away, so I don't get to witness Harry coming out of the airport and getting into his car, but I know he is glowing.

Who wouldn't be after bottoming for the first time?

I get out of the car, which led us straight to our hotel and I sigh as I get out, letting security push the fans back and I make it into the hotel.

I am met with Paul (okay I know he retired, but i like paul so in this book he is staying), who gives me my room key, already assuring me that Harry and I will be sharing, and so I thank him and head up to the room in the lift, happy as can be.

I set my stuff down and take my Vans off and keeping my hoodie up and laying down on the bed, waiting for Harry to come up.

The door opens and I smile as Harry walks into the bedroom. "Nice shoulder hole," I comment on the hole in his plaid shirt. He blushes and I remember how I dug my finger into it on the plane, making it larger.

"Looks like you got some vanilla ice cream on your black jeans as well," I say, laughing as I realize that we kind of were a little bit too crazy on the plane. He blushes deeper and slips off his boots, cuddling into the bed with me.

"Louuu," he whines as he curls into me and I wrap my arms around him, laughing. "Harryyy," I mimic and he just cuddles deeper into my arms.

"Oh Hazzy, it's okay love," I mumble and Harry smiles. "I think we have rehearsals in an hour, at least that's what Paul told me, but I was too busy trying to get up here to you that I wasn't really paying much attention," Harry mumbles and I smile.

"Okay, well, I guess we should be getting ready to go," I say and Harry nods, but neither of us make any move to get up.

-

"Okay, let's start off with the intro, No Control," Liam says and I smirk, knowing what this song is about and Harry looks over at me, smirking as well.

"C'mon you two, no one wants to see that," Zayn says, making sure his mic isn't near his mouth and I laugh, Harry chuckling too as he walks over to me.

"I personally love this song," Harry says and sends me a wink, the other boys rolling their eyes.

"Oh really? Any particular reason why?" I ask, faking innocence and Zayn pretends to barf. "Alright you two, we have to start the song now, don't get too carried away," Liam says and Harry moves back over to his spot.

The music starts and I raise my mic up, singing the 'Oh's in the beginning and then Niall starts to sing the first verse as Harry just stares at me, his eyes raking my body.

I bit my lip and then we get to the chorus. I start to belt it out, trying to ignore Harry basically eye-raping me and I try to ignore as Harry moves closer and close to me.

We are about to finish up the chorus when Harry launches himself at me, attacking my lips with his and my fingers immediately move up to wrap themselves in his hair, being careful not to drop my mic.

"So fucking beautiful," Harry whispers before moving his lips back to mine and he bites my lips softly. "Singing about our morning sex, how thoughtful of you to share it with the world," Harry whispers lowly into my ear as he moves his lips to right below my ear and my eyes close as he starts to suck right there underneath my earlobe.

A high-pitched shriek causes us to pull away from each other and we look to see Liam shaking his head, Niall smiling widely and taking pictures, and Zayn covering his eyes, curling his face into Liam.

"Boys, that was completely uncalled for," one of the tour directors, Sam, says and Harry and I share a glance. "Sorry, Louis was just looking so fucking hot belting out his chorus with his sweet little voice and I just couldn't contain myself. I guess you could say I have no control," Harry says and I snort, punching Harry in the arm.

"That one was really bad," I say and Harry is laughing at his own joke. Sam is shaking his head, but he can't hide his smile. "Are you going to be able to have control when you perform this in front of 60,000 people?" He asks and Harry starts to think properly and Liam shakes his head.

"You saw how he acted with Ronnie Wood and that was on television, I don't think he'll be able to contain himself at a concert," Liam says and I nod, knowing Harry is not known to be patient.

"Yeah, he's a bit crazy and he doesn't have the ability to control himself," I say and Sam sighs. "Then I think we will have to delete No Control and just start off with Clouds," he says and I sigh. "But No Control is Louis' spotlight song!" Niall says loudly and Harry wraps an arm around my waist, squeezing it softly as I look down.

"Then we will have to put it on one of the later shows when Harry gets used to being around Louis and maybe we can put it on there then," Sam says and Harry sighs, kissing my forehead.

"Okay, then let's rehearse Clouds," I say softly and Harry sighs, turning my face up to meet him and he presses his lips onto mine. "I love you," he whispers and I give him a smile. "I love you too," I whisper back and Harry smiles, moving back over to his spot as the music starts to play for our new opening song.

-

I feel the nerves running down my arms and I feel Harry running his hand along it before intertwining our hands together and bringing me towards him. I stand up on my tiptoes and he holds me up by placing his hands on my bum and he connects our lips together in a sweet kiss.

"Don't touch each others hair!" Lou says loudly causing me to pull away with a giggle and face the stylist who is looking fondly at us. "Okay, we won't mess up your beautiful work," Harry says and turns to look back at me.

"C'mon, stop ruining each other's faces and let's get into our spots because we are going on stage in two minutes," Liam says and I look up at Harry who gives me one last kiss before all the boys join us and we put our hands in the middle, my hand resting on top of Harry's and we do a small chant before we go off to where we are entering the stage together.

We reach the door and Harry reaches out, seeing as we are standing next to each other in the front, and he squeezes my hand, leaning over and giving me one last kiss before moving away and the music starts and we burst through the secret door, letting the smoke come up.

I can't help but look over at Harry and we make eye contact for a split second before we both look away and I'm smiling as Harry starts to sing Clouds and we make our way out fully onto the stage an I look around to see all the fans in Sydney, Australia for our first show for the On The Road Again tour.

I sing my solo and then we get into the chorus, me giving my all as I sing through and then the songs keep coming right after another.

About halfway through the show, Harry keeps looking at me licking his lips and I have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom as Liam is talking.

I quickly get off the stage and I'm walking towards the port-a-potty to try and fix my problem when I hear someone clearing their voice behind me.

"You can't wear that tank top anymore," I hear the deep voice say, moving closer and I don't turn around, waiting until I feel the body press up behind me.

"And why's that?" I ask cheekily and the person behind me laughs, moving his lips right under my ear. "Because I think I'm going to need to fix both of our problems," Harry whispers and he drags me into the small portable bathroom to avoid the tour crew looking at us.

"Okay, but we are going to have to make this quick," I say, already moving to slide Harry's jeans down. "These gold boots aren't helping either," I mutter and Harry smirks, sliding my pants down just to my knees.

Harry gets down and he immediately starts sucking me off as I tangle my fingers in his hair, biting my lip to try and suppress the moans that are sure to come.

Harry looks up at me and I practically lose myself right then and there as I release into his mouth, him swallowing and coming back up to meet my face. He reaches his thumb and wipes the side of his cheek, licking my cum off of it while staring at me and I get down on my knees returning the favor to him.

We quickly pull our pants back up and wipe our mouths, sharing a quick kiss before stumbling out of the portable toilet, ignoring all the glares that we get and Harry goes off to try and find his mic as I go back onto the stage with mine, noticing that Niall and Liam are trying to stall some time, but they see me and they smile.

Harry comes out soon after and I have to do a little waddle to try and fix my boxers without actually having to grab them.

Harry gives me a sly smirk and I shake my head slightly as the music starts up for Girl Almighty.

We start singing and then all of a sudden after Niall's solo I hear Harry yell into the mic.

"I'm pregnant!" He yells and it takes everything in me not to drop my jaw. We meet eyes and he smirks, sending me a quick wink and I have to control myself in order not to get hard again, especially on stage.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and I focus on finishing up this concert.

Harry in gold boots will be the death of me.


	21. Parts 1+2

-Louis-

I take a sip of the tea Harry made me and I watch him as he scrolls through his phone.

What is this secret? It's been two weeks since I found out about it and he still hasn't brought it up or mentioned it. I've been tempted to ask Niall, but I went against it.

"Boo, why are you staring at me?" Harry asks, clearing his throat awkwardly. I blush and Harry chuckles. "Because you're beautiful," I say and this time it's Harry's turn to blush.

"Thanks," he mumbles and goes back to his phone, trying to hide his cheeks. I sigh and stand up, knowing we have to get ready to go soon.

Harry looks up from his phone as I walk to put the tea cup into the hotel sink and then I go into the bedroom to get dressed and take a shower.

-

"We going now?" Harry calls out to me and I run my hand through my hair one more time before walking out and meeting up next to Harry, giving him a smile as he takes my hand and we exit the hotel room.

We are escorted into the cars that will drive us to the stadium and soon we are finished rehearsing and getting ready for the concert.

The concert flies by and by the time it is done, I am exhausted. I cuddle up next to Harry on the couch in backstage and he runs his fingers through my hair.

"Hey boo, I gotta go pee," Harry says and I sigh, sitting up so he can get up. He leans over to kiss my forehead with a smile. "Thanks, I'll be right back," he says and I smile, laying back on the couch and closing my eyes.

Five minutes later and Harry isn't back yet. I scrunch my eyebrows together and stand up, moving towards the port-a-potties and I wait outside of the one that says Occupied, assuming it's Harry.

I look around, trying to stall the time until Harry comes out. I see people bustling around, trying to clean up stuff from the end of the concert. Niall and Liam are playing with Lux and talking to our stylists and Zayn is sitting in a chair, probably texting Naughty Boy.

I chuckle to myself, but it quickly stops when I see a head of long, curly hair. I turn around to see the toilet still occupied and I frown. I start to walk over to Harry but I freeze, staring at the scene in front of me.

Harry kissing a girl.

A girl.

Female.

Kissing.

My stomach churns and I faintly see Harry turn around with his mouth opened, but I turn around, running out of the room and rushing down different hallways, ignoring the calls from people yelling my name.

I turn into a small room and shut the door behind me before sinking down against the wall, my face falling into my knees as I feel the sobs start raking through my body.

He told me he was gay.

We are dating for god's sake.

Yet, he still has the nerve to go and kiss someone else, a girl of all people.

I hear a knock on the door and I look up as it opens, seeing a blonde head pop in.

"Oh Lou," Niall mutters softly as he quickly comes into the room and shuts the door behind him, locking it, and sliding down onto the floor next to me, pulling my head into his arms.

I continue to sob into Niall and I can't help but feel like things aren't going to ever go well for me.

I start to press my fingernails into my arm again, the tears flowing through my eyes as I press my fingernails deeper and deeper into my skin.

"Louis, stop!" Niall yells, ripping my two hands away from each other, causing me to sob even harder.

"Don't you even dare try to think about blaming this on yourself. And don't even think about trying to hurt yourself over this. Just because someone hurt you doesn't mean you need to hurt yourself because of it. I need you to listen to every single thing that has just came out of my mouth and everything that is going to come out of my mouth, and I'm going to need you to try and think about what I say, okay?" Niall says and I take a deep breath before nodding.

"Alright, good," he says, pausing as he collects all his thoughts.

-Harry-

I get off the couch, promising Louis I'll be right back and I go to the toilet. I quickly do my business, wanting to get back to Louis.

As I walk out of the toilet, my arm is grabbed and I'm dragged over next to a wall. My eyes widen as I see a girl in front of me.

I quickly try to turn around to call for security but she grips my chin, forcing me to look at her.

"You know, I'm next to the famous Harry Styles and I would really like it if I could get a kiss," she says and my stomach flips.

"Sorry, I-uh-I can't do that," I mutter and she pouts. "Why not?" She asks and I shake my head. "It's not good-um-for my-uh-image?" I say, it coming out more like a question.

She places her fingers on my chest and starts walking them up it, me trying to shake her off, but she keeps her hand on me.

"Is it because you can't cheat on your little boyfriend over there?" She says, her demeanor changing and I gulp, not wanting to respond.

"Because you know, I have a picture of you and Louis all cuddled up and kissing and hugging, a video too, and I say that you should kiss me, otherwise these will be posted over every single social media account I have access to and it will be everywhere in a matter of minutes," she says, waving her phone in front of me.

My breath hitches in my throat and I glance around, but no one is looking my way or paying attention to me.

"We wouldn't want your poor little Louis to see you two come out before management says you could, because we all know how that will turn out," she eggs on even more and I take a deep breath.

"Okay, fine, I'll kiss you, just delete the photos and videos, please," I beg and she smiles, clapping her hands together and giggling. "Yay!" She says happily and I roll my eyes, wanting to just get this over with so I can get back to Louis.

I watch as she unlocks her phone and then goes to her pictures. "Promise that if I delete them first, you'll still kiss me," she says, raising her eyebrow and I nod quickly, wanting her to just hurry up.

"Yes, I promise, just delete them," I rush out and watch as she deletes all of them that she has and I breathe out a sigh of relief.

She puts her phone in her pocket and steps towards me. I keep my arms at my side and she leans into me, me leaning away from her slightly, but she just presses her lips onto mine.

I try not to barf and I look around nervously as her eyes are closed and her hands are on either side of my face.

My eyes scan past her head and I see a familiar brunette boy staring at me, his eyes wide and his mouth wide open.

I quickly rip away from the girl, who pouts at me and I call after Louis. "Louis!" I yell, but he turns around and starts running away.

"Louis!" I yell and leave the girl, starting to run after him. I feel arms wrap around me and I flail my arms, kicking my legs to try and get out of the hold. "Let me go! I need to go get him!" I scream, but I'm restricted as I watch Niall run after Louis.

"Harry! You need to calm down! You can't go see him right now, not after what just happened," I hear Liam's voice from right behind me and I look down, through tear-filled eyes, at the arms holding me, recognizing them as Liam's arms.

I give up thrashing and I sink to the floor, covering my face in my hands as I sob, repeating Louis' name over and over, because I need to go find my baby and explain everything to him, yet I can't.

Liam pulls me into his chest and I grip his shirt, sobbing into it as my body shakes.

"I need Louis," I repeat over and over and Liam rocks me back and forth. "I know Haz, I know," he whispers, keeping his arms around me.

-Louis-

Niall takes a deep breath and I focus on his words, just like he told me to do.

"-wait, was this Harry's secret?" I interrupt and Niall's face scrunches up in confusion. "I heard Harry talking to you on the phone and Harry has something he isn't telling me. Oh god, this is his secret isn't it. I knew it, he's cheating on me. How long has it been happening for?!" I rush out and Niall's eyes widen.

"No, no, no, no, this is not Harry's secret, trust me," Niall quickly reassures me. "Then what is it?" I ask impatient and Niall sighs. "I-I can't tell you. Harry will tell you when he's ready," Niall says and I close my eyes. "Okay," I whisper softly, opening my eyes to see Niall nod.

"So please, just listen to what I'm going to say okay?" He asks and I nod, taking a deep breath.

"Okay, I need you to think back to what you just witnessed," he starts and I immediately shake my head, not wanting the image to be in my brain more than it has to. "Louis, please, just trust me," he says and I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and thinking back to the incident.

I see Harry kissing the girl and I shudder, about to open my eyes and tell Niall to forget it, but then I realize something. Harry's arms are at his side and he's leaning backwards, as if to try and get away from the girl. His eyes are open and his face is scrunched up in disgust.

I quickly open my eyes. "He didn't want to kiss the girl!" I say loudly to Niall who smiles a little. "Yeah," he says slowly and I rack my brain.

"He looked so uncomfortable, but I couldn't notice it because I was so focused on the fact that they were kissing," I say quickly and then my face falls.

"I just left him there Ni! He probably hates me now, and he's going to leave me, oh my god what am I going to do?" I quickly freak out and Niall wraps his arms around me. "No Lou, calm down, please. Harry isn't going to leave you, trust me," Niall tries to calm me down and I take deep breaths.

"Please, I have to go talk to him," I say softly and Niall nods, standing up and holding out his hand, pulling me up as well, before opening the room's door and walking us down the hallways I had been running down previously.

-Harry-

"What were you thinking Harry?! You have ruined Louis, and he's not going to be able to recover from this! How could you do that to him?!" Liam yells at me, throwing his arms in the air as he paces back and forth, and I stay on the floor, my head in my arms as I continue to cry.

I don't bother responding, knowing Liam won't believe me anyways and I just continue to cry, my mind going back to Louis' face as he stared in betrayal at me. Liam won't let me go talk to him, so I'm just stuck here, his face engrained into my brain.

"Liam, please calm down. Did it ever occur to you that this wasn't Harry's fault?" Zayn says, standing up and resting his hand on Liam's arm, stopping him from pacing and Liam runs his hands over his face.

"What do you mean not his fault, he fucking kissed a girl in front of Louis," Liam says, causing me to sob harder.

"Did you see how uncomfortable and miserable he was?! Harry was leaning away from the girl as she kissed him and his face was full of disgust! If Harry had kissed the girl, he wouldn't have been so disgusted!" Zayn yells and Liam's face drops, realizing that Zayn's right.

"Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry, I just assumed..." Liam trails off and I shake my head, lifting it up and wiping my eyes. "No, it's-uh-it's fine, it looked like that anyways. She blackmailed me into kissing her. She had pictures of Louis and I on the couch and she was going to expose them if I didn't kiss her, so I watched her delete them and then she kissed me," I mumble and Liam and Zayn's eyes go wide.

"That's not right! Harry, she needs to be caught by security, where is she?" Liam asks frantically and I shrug. "Dunno, I was too worried about Louis to see where she ran," I mumble and Liam goes to a security guard, telling him about the girl probably and the guy nods, running off with other guards.

"Harry?" I hear an Irish voice call out and I turn my bloodshot eyes to look at him. "Yeah?" I ask, my voice hoarse. "Louis would like to talk to you," Niall says and I frown. "If he's going to break up with me, can you tell him to just do it now, that way I can go quickly," I say and Niall sighs.

"He's not going to break up with you, he just needs to talk to you," Niall says, crouching down next to me and I bury my face in my hands, taking a deep breath.

"Okay, where is he?" I ask and Niall points over to the stage. "He's sitting on the stage," Niall says and I sigh, standing up and running my hands through my hair one last time before making my way nervously out from behind backstage and onto the stage.

I see his small body sitting down on the edge, his feet dangling off of it as his head is facing upwards towards the sky.

I walk over to him slowly and I sit down next to him, letting my boots dangle next to his vans.

"Oops," I say softly and I see him smile out of the corner of my eye. "Hi," he whispers and I turn to face him as he does the same.

-Louis-

I study his green eyes and I see him studying my blue ones and I blush, putting my head down. He reaches his hand out and places it under my chin, lifting it back up and he rubs his thumb over my cheek.

"You've gotten so skinny," he says sadly and I frown, playing with my fingers. "You can tell?" I ask softly and he nods. "You're cheekbones are becoming so prominent, and as attractive they are, it isn't very healthy," he says and I sigh.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and he shakes his head. "Nothing to be sorry for, I just have to try and get you to eat more, that is, if you still want to be with me," he trails off at the end and I frown.

"Hazza, I saw how uncomfortable you looked and how disgusted you were. I don't think you actually wanted to kiss her, I think that she forced herself onto you, but I would like to hear your side of the story," I say and he looks up at me with a small smile.

"You are really an angel. How did I get so lucky?" He says softly, leaning towards me a little bit and resting our foreheads together as he keeps his hand on my cheek.

"She blackmailed me. She had pictures of us cuddling and kissing on the couch and she said she was going to post them to all the social media accounts if I didn't kiss her. So I watched as she deleted them and then she just kissed me and I wanted to pull away quickly after, but she wouldn't let me and then you walked in and she finally let me go," He says softly and I frown.

"Oh Hazza, you were just trying to protect us. I'm sorry I ran away, I just saw you two kissing and I overreacted. Then Niall came in and he told me to think back to it and that's when I realize how uncomfortable you looked and stuff, so I wanted to come talk to you, so you wouldn't leave me," I say, reaching my hand up to rub his cheek as well.

"I won't ever leave you Boo, you know that," he whispers and I smile. "Can you kiss me now? I've missed you," I say softly and Harry chuckles. "Of course love, anything for you," he says before softly leaning in and pressing his lips to mine.


	22. Chapter 22

-Louis-

I smile curling up more into Harry as he pulls me closer to him. "I don't know which is worse, you two together or you two apart," Liam says, fake barfing and I giggle, hiding my face in Harry's chest.

"Oh c'mon we aren't that bad," Harry tries to plead and we all start laughing because we all know it's a lie.

"I personally enjoy it," Niall says and I roll my eyes. "That's because it's practically porn for you," I mutter and only Harry hears me, causing him to let out a loud squeak, the type of laugh that he releases when he tries to hold it in but he fails.

Niall glares at me and I shrug innocently. He shakes his head and I giggle more, Harry presses a kiss to my head.

"Well, Melissa and I are going out tonight, so the rest of you guys will have to plan without me," Niall says and we all smirk, raising our eyebrows at him.

"What? She's just a friend!" Niall says, putting his hands up. "Uh huh," I say, rolling my eyes. "Well she ships Larry as well, so I guess everyone wins," Niall winks and walks off, leaving us all to stare at each other in awe.

Sometimes, I wonder about that boy.

"Well, I'm off to go talk to Sophia over FaceTime, I promised her a chat," Liam says, standing up and we all exchange goodbyes as he goes back to his hotel room.

Zayn stands up as well and sends us a smile. "I'm sure you two would like to be alone, and I told my mum I'd talk to her, so I'll leave you two too it," Zayn says with smirk and I blush, burying my head in Harry's chest as Harry laughs and Zayn walks back to his hotel room.

"What do you wanna do babe?" Harry asks and I sigh, scrunching my eyebrows together in thought. Something comes to mind, but I don't exactly want to bring it to Harry's attention, even though I know I should.

"Um, I-uh-actually wanted to talk to you about something," I mutter, playing with my hands. "What is it darling?" Harry asks sweetly, taking my hands in his and intertwining our fingers, resting our hands on my stomach.

"Okay, well, remember that one night kind of before we went on tour?" I ask and Harry nods. "There were many nights Lou, but okay," he says with a small chuckle. "Well, I mean, the one where you woke up in the middle of the night and went downstairs with your journal," I say quickly and Harry's eyes widen. "You-um-you were awake?" He stutters out and I nod slowly, keeping my eyes locked onto our hands.

"And you called Niall and you two were talking about some secret. I've been waiting for you to tell me on your own time, but with everything that happened yesterday with that girl, it's just really getting to me and I just want to know, because I'm scared and I don't want you leaving me-" I ramble and Harry cuts me off by gently placing his lips to mine and pulling away, squeezing my hands.

"I'm not gonna leave you Boo. Do you want to know what the secret is?" He asks softly and I nod.

"Okay, I guess it's good that you asked me, because honestly I don't want to talk about it which is why I've been putting it off for so long now," Harry says and I smile softly, squeezing his hand for reassurance.

"I went in to a meeting with management, before you came to LA, and they-um-well they said I have to get a beard, because I've started so many rumors from what I've said in recent interviews, and so they have already hired a girl and she's a bitch let me tell you, but I told them to wait until I tell you before we go public, and I just, I don't want this to ruin anything between us," Harry says and my breath hitches.

I squeeze his hand and I feel my eyes start to water. I stand up slowly and Harry looks at me confused, keeping his hand in mine and I give him a sad smile.

"I'm just going to go take a walk, let everything soak in. I'm not leaving you, I promise, I'll be back soon, and I'll take Paul or something," I say softly, reassuring his scared face. He immediately relaxes and he squeezes my hand before releasing it.

"Okay, just please don't do anything," he pleads and I know he means he doesn't want me hurting myself and I give him a reassuring smile.

"I won't, I promise," I say softly and he gives me a soft kiss before watching me as I turn around and I go out of our hotel room, getting one of the bodyguards to come follow me and I just walk around the hotel.

I end up sitting in the workout room for awhile, just sitting on one of the benches as it is empty in the room and I sigh, closing my eyes and taking everything in.

Harry is just going to have a beard, but everything will be okay between us. He's not going to leave me for her. He promised me. He's never going to leave me.

He promised.

I take in a shaky breath as I feel the tears start coming down and Sam, the bodyguard, steps out and stands in front of the workout room, making sure I can have some privacy, although no one is coming in anyways.

I sob and keep my head in my hands as different scenarios of Harry leaving me for the new girl keep popping into my head and I try pushing them away but I can't.

The door opens and I don't look up. I feel arms going under my knees and lift me up, pulling me to their chest and I curl into the familiar body.

"I know you wanted some time alone, but it's been two hours and I think you've worn yourself out enough, because I know all you've been doing is thinking up different scenarios of me getting with the girl, but that's not going to happen because I love you way too much to leave you," Harry whispers and I just shake my head, gripping his shirt as more tears fall down.

Harry sighs and pulls me closer to him as he starts walking out of the room and he carries me up to our hotel room, thanking Sam and he gently sets me down on our bed, taking my shirt and jeans off before tucking my body under the blankets and taking off his own clothes, leaving us both in our boxers.

He climbs in next to me on the bed and pulls me into him, making tears fall down my face again.

"Shh, baby, it's okay. I love you so, so much. It hurts me to see you cry like this. I'm never going to leave you darling, never ever," he whispers continuously into my ear until I fall asleep.


	23. Chapter 23

-Louis-

I wake up in the arms of Harry, glad to be on a break from the tour. It's really fun, performing I mean, but it does get stressful and tiring and it's nice to have a long break for awhile.

We are currently on a three week break, which I'm thankful for, and Harry and I are just staying in for the weeks. At least, that's what I think we are doing, but Management might have a different idea.

"Mm, Boo?" Harry mumbles, turning his head sleepily to look at me and I chuckle. "Yeah babe? Did I wake you up? I'm sorry," I smile, snuggling into him. "No, no, well kind of, but I'd rather be awake with you than leave you all alone," he mumbles and my smile grows at his words.

"So what are we doing today? Staying in and watching some movies?" I ask hopefully and Harry shuffles awkwardly. I pull away from him to look at him and he looks down guiltily.

"Um, actually I-don't get mad at me okay? It's not my choice," he says and I stare at him confused, waiting for him to continue.

"Management planned this date thing with me and Ally for today to start up the rumors and then I have to confirm we are dating in the next interview or something," he says miserably and I sigh, cuddling back up into him.

"I don't want you to go," I mumble and Harry reaches his arms around me, going to entangle his fingers in my hair, playing with it.

"I know baby, I don't either," he mumbles, kissing the top of my head and I sigh. "Why can't we just have normal lives? We could be together happily and no one would be against us," I say sadly and Harry frowns.

"I wish it could be like that, but I wouldn't give up the past five years for anything, especially since that's where I met you," he says, poking my cheek to try and lighten the mood.

And it works, because I'm soon giggling and blushing and Harry is placing kisses along my neck and I'm wrapping my arms around his waist and we are both smiling, because we have each other and that's enough for now.

-

"Yes Lou, my hair is fine," Harry rolls his eyes and I giggle. "Just a little more hairspray," Lou says and sprays more onto Harry's hair. He groans and I try to hide my laughs behind my hand, but I fail as Harry glares at me.

"It's not funny! You try to get all this on your luscious, long hair," he whines and I walk over to him, seeing as Lou has finished and I wrap my arms around him.

"You'll be fine, quite whining," I say, resting my head against his chest and he rests his head on top of mine.

"Are you gonna be okay here?" He asks softly and I sigh. "I can call Niall to come over, if you want?" Harry suggests and I shake my head, frowning. "I don't want to bother him. He probably doesn't even want to hang out with me anyways, I'm not exactly the best person to be around," I mutter and Harry shakes his head, lifting my chin up to look at him.

"You are the bestest person to ever hang around and I wish I could spend every single moment with you. Don't put yourself down like that, love. I'm calling Niall, and you two are going to have a fun day together," Harry says before placing a kiss to my lips and pulling away with a smile.

"I love you," he says and I smile, leaning into his touch on my cheek. "I love you," I repeat and we pull away as he hears the security box buzz, signaling that there is someone here.

He goes over, letting whoever it was, most likely Ally, up to his room. Harry takes out his phone and quickly clicks on Niall's contact, pressing the phone to his ear.

"Ni? Yeah, hey-um, so I have to go out with Ally and I was thinking you could come over and keep Louis company?" Harry says sweetly, sending me a wink, causing me to roll my eyes.

"Yeah, I told him about it," he says and I can only hear Harry's side of the conversation.

"Okay, thanks Niall, I'll see you in a bit," Harry says and hangs up. "He's coming over in like 15 minutes," Harry tells me and I smile at him. "Thanks," I say softly and Harry smiles. "Anything for you," he says. "Sap," I mutter and Harry laughs just as a knock is heard from the door.

Harry goes over to open it and reveals a medium-height, skinny, blonde girl dressed in high-waisted jeans and a crop top.

"Hello Ally, come on in," Harry greets her and I can't help the jealousy that fills me.

"Hey Harry, oh! Hello Louis," she says as she walks in, noticing me standing in the middle of the room.

"Ally," I say, giving a small nod. "I'm sorry this has to be done for the two of you, it isn't fair at all," she says sadly and Harry walks over to me, wrapping an arm around my waist and giving it a warning squeeze, telling me not to be rude.

"It is what it is, I guess," I say, giving her a sad smile and she nods. We all move to sit on the couches as we wait for Niall to get here and Ally and Harry start up a conversation, while I just cuddle into Harry's chest, not wanting to be apart of it.

Harry tries to get me included, but when I bury my face into his shirt, he gets the hint and gives up on adding me, instead just rubbing circles on my back.

There's another knock on the door and I bounce up and go over happily, listening to Harry chuckle as I open the door quickly to reveal Niall.

"Niall!" I call happily, throwing my arms around the blonde boy. "It's been two days, Louis!" Niall laughs but returns the hug and we pull away, going over to Harry and Ally who are still sitting on the couches.

"You must be Ally," Niall says to the girl on the couch. She nods with a smile and Niall looks her over before nodding and giving her a smile.

"Okay, well we must be off. Management made reservations at 3, and I think the car is already here," Harry says and I nod sadly.

Harry stands up from the couch and goes over to Niall, giving him a hug and whispering something in his ear before going over to me.

"Don't let any of the pictures get to you. I don't want you seeing any of the pictures okay? Don't go on Twitter or anything until I get back with you. I don't want you hurting yourself or getting yourself down, baby," he whispers for just us two to hear.

"Okay, I'll try not to," I whisper back and Harry smiles, holding his arms out and I immediately go closer to him, letting him wrap his arms around me and he holds me close before pulling away and giving me a kiss.

"I love you," he whispers. "I love you too," I say and he smiles before giving me one last kiss and then pulling away from me and saying one last goodbye to Niall before opening the door for Ally and they disappear, Harry waving and blowing a kiss to me one last time and then he shuts the door.

I sigh and Niall frowns. "None of that! We have plenty of movies to choose from and I say we should make some cookies or some kind of food and we will attempt to not burn the house down!" Niall calls happily and I try to give him a weak smile as he takes my hand, dragging me to the kitchen.

I don't like this whole beard thing at all.

But I do like cookies.


	24. Chapter 24

-Louis-

"Ugh fine, Louis has a sexy ass," Harry gives in and I remove my hands from his side and lean down to place a kiss to his lips.

"You're forgiven," I laugh and Harry rolls his eyes. I roll off of him and stand up, holding my hands out and helping Harry off of the floor.

"So can we watch my show then? I won't steal the remote from you this time," Harry mumbles and I laugh, plopping myself on the couch.

"Anything for you, baby," I say cheekily and he rolls his eyes, plopping himself next to me. He turns on the tv and clicks on his channel before curling up next to me and I rest my head on his chest.

"I don't want to watch Wonder Woman, Harold," I say and Harry winks at me. "You don't want to see a woman in minimal clothing?" He asks innocently and I scrunch my nose up.

"If I did, I wouldn't be here next to you, curled up into your side," I say and Harry gasps. "It's a good thing I don't want to watch this either," he says and flips through some more channels before landing on a chick flick.

I roll my eyes but Harry starts giggling like a little girl and clapping his hands, so I curl back into him and I try not to let him see my excitement for the movie as well.

I'm 5'8, I gotta act as tough as my height.

-

"You hungry, Lou?" Harry asks me and I shake my head, but both of our attention drifts to my rumbling stomach.

"You need to eat Louis, I thought you ate breakfast?" Harry says, his face turning into a frown and I look down at my feet guiltily.

"I-uh-threw it away when you weren't looking," I mutter and Harry sighs. "This isn't helping you get better. You've lost so much weight and you're getting too skinny," Harry says and I roll my eyes.

"There's nothing wrong with being skinny, I personally don't think I'm skinny enough," I scoff. "Not skinny enough? Louis, your cheekbones are sticking out of your face and I can see your ribs! You are starving yourself and you need to eat!" Harry starts to raise his voice and I throw my arms in the air.

"How would you know? You used to be the same as me!" I yell back. "But I got better, because I started eating! You aren't getting better!" He yells and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"You don't know how hard it is!" I say, even though I know it's a lie, because I just pointed out that he used to be just like me.

I don't bother mentioning that I didn't eat my dinner last night either, because I know that it will just get me into more trouble.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You just reminded me of how I used to be just like you are! At least you have someone to help you! Do you know who I had to help me? No one! Yet here I am, a normal person!" He yells and ouch, that one stung.

"So I'm not a normal person?" I ask, my voice soft now and Harry's face drops.

"No, Lou, I didn't mean it like that. You know what I meant," Harry tries to step towards me, but I take a step back, hurt flashing across his face.

"No, actually I don't know what you meant. I haven't had time to figure out how you mean things, because all you do is go on dates with Ally, and we don't even get to spend our breaks together," I say, my voice rising again.

"That isn't my fault! You know how management is! I'm being forced to go on those," he says and I shake my head. "You could try to stand up to them, make them let you stay here with me," I say and then there is a knock on the door.

Harry glances at me nervously before going over to the door. I follow from a distance and stand in the doorway of the kitchen as I watch Harry open the door. I roll my eyes at who it is, because of course it's her.

"Hey Ally-uh-I'll be out in the car in a minute, I just got to take care of some things first, would you mind waiting in the car?" Harry asks and she gives him a smile before glancing over at me and nodding, obviously getting the drift and turning to go back out to the car.

Harry shuts the door with a sigh and turns around to face me. "I should-uh-go now," Harry mutters and I scoff. "Of course, your girlfriend needs you more than I do," I roll my eyes and Harry sighs. "You know it's not like that," he says and I shake my head.

"Whatever, go do whatever publicity you need to, if it is even still only for the publicity anyways," I say bitterly and Harry just bites his lip before pulling on his coat and going out the door, not bothering to respond.

Once I see the car drive away, I fall to my knees as the tears start coming. I cover my face as my body starts shaking with my sobs.

He chose her over me. He chose his fake girlfriend over his real boyfriend.

I slowly get off my knees, wiping the tears away, but more fill their place. I stumble up the stairs as I barge into our room, throwing open the drawers, searching for the razors that Harry hid to make sure I only used them for shaving purposes.

I find one and I grip it in my hand as I throw open the bathroom door and I sloppily rip the blade out of the razor, my hands shaking.

I grip the blade, dropping the razor to the floor and I grip the bottom of my shirt, pulling it over my head and letting it drop to the floor.

Harry left me.

He chose her.

He hates me now.

I'm not normal.

For each word Harry threw at me, I slice my stomach. The blade feels cool and comforting against my skin. I dig it deep into the skin, sliding it skillfully, creating the red lines I'm used to.

The blood is dripping down, catching at the waistband of my pants and I watch in fascination at the squiggly lines the blood makes as it falls down my stomach in trails.

I move the bloodied blade to my arm, gripping it tight and pressing the metal into my wrist, sliding it across. With each new swipe, I press the blade deeper and deeper.

I sink to the floor, the sudden motion causing my head to spin from the lack of food and I watch the blood as it slides down my arm and drips off, falling to the bathroom tile floor.

I keep slicing my skin, not caring about anything, because I'm not important anymore. I'm not important to anyone.

I feel my head start to spin and I know that this time, it is from lack of blood.

The blood keeps running out of the cuts I've made, probably over 30 cuts on both my stomach and my wrists.

I let the tears start to fall down my face again, because this might be it. I might be gone forever now, and who is going to care? The one that I've cared for has left me and there is no one left.

I let the blade slide out of my bloody fingertips and I listen as it clangs to the ground, wondering how it will sound when my head bangs against the tile.

Black has started to coat around the edges of my vision and I let my bloody arms rest against the floor, my slashed stomach open to the air as blood continues to stream from the deep cuts.

I feel an imaginary dark cloak start to cover my head and I let it as my vision goes completely black and my head clangs down to the floor as my body lies there, defenseless against the darkness.

-Niall-

"Please Niall, we just got into a huge fight, our first major fight, and I just want to make sure he doesn't do anything," Harry says and I sigh. "Okay, okay, I'll go over there right now, I'm already putting my shoes on. Don't worry, I'll keep him occupied, you just focus on trying to make your fake relationship look real," I say and Harry groans before thanking me and hanging up.

I take my time getting ready and then, within 15 minutes, I am in my car and on my way to Harry's flat to go keep Louis company.

I hum along to the song on the radio as I drive along and soon I'm there. I turn my car off and take the keys, sticking them into my pocket.

I knock on the door and when no one answers, I twist the doorknob, shaking my head and rolling my eyes as the door opens. They are going to get robbed by some maniac fans if they don't lock their door.

I furrow my eyebrows as I shut the door behind me. "Louis?" I call out through the house. I get no answer so I call again, only to get the same result.

My stomach starts to stir and I get a bad feeling. I check all downstairs and I frown as I see a lamp on the floor, next to some papers next to the staircase.

I cautiously walk up the stairs and I look in the guest room to see it empty. I see Harry's room is wide open and I swallow.

I step inside and I see the light coming from the bathroom. I see clothes and other items strewn everywhere and I go over to the bathroom.

My breath hitches, my hand flying to my mouth and I almost barf at the sight in front of me. I'm completely frozen in shock as I stare at the lifeless body lying in the blood that's dripping out of its own body.

I quickly come to my senses and whip my phone out of my pocket, dialing the emergencies (idk what the number is in london cause im from the US and here it's 911 but idk what london is).

"What is your emergency?" The lady on the other end asks and I rush over to Louis' lifeless body. "Hello? Yes, my friend is lying in a pool of his own blood in his bathroom and I think he cut too deep and he is unconscious," I say frantically, trying to feel for a pulse and wiping the blood on my jeans.

"Okay sir, what is the address?" She asks calmly and I quickly give her the address and then we hang up. I grab his shirt and I try to stop some of the blood that is still coming out from the cuts and I feel the tears running down my cheeks.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step aside, please," the emergency man says and I quickly gulp before nodding and stepping out of the bathroom as I watch in horror as they load him onto the stretcher and rush him out of the room.

One of the men is kind enough to tell me what hospital they are going to and I quickly follow the ambulance in my car as we get there.

I rush into the waiting room and plop onto the seat, whipping out my phone and dialing the one number that is going to be in the most pain from this.

"Yeah Ni?" Harry's voice floods through and I feel myself choke up as the sobs start coming.

"Niall, what's wrong?" Harry asks frantically and I take a deep breath before stuttering out the next sentence to him.

"Harry, it's about Louis. He-He's in the hospital."


	25. Chapter 25

-Harry-

"Harry, it's about Louis, he's in the hospital."

My entire body freezes and I go numb, not caring as the phone falls from my hand. Ally looks over at me wit concern, but I can't respond or do anything, because I'm frozen.

"No, no, no, no, this is all my fault," I start to mutter to myself and then my hands find my hair, frantically tugging on my curls.

"Harry! What is wrong?" Ally asks loudly and I shake my head. "Hospital. I need to go to the hospital now," I rush out to Sam, the bodyguard with us, as I frantically stand up, bending down to grab my phone as I start to rush between tables to get out of the restaurant.

"Harry, what are you talking about?" Sam yells from behind me and he puts his hand on my arm, preventing me from moving further.

"Louis is in the fucking hospital. If you won't take me there, then I will run there myself. I need to get to the hospital!" I yell, attracting more people's attention that haven't already been staring.

"Okay, shit, we need to get you there," Sam says frantically and I remove my arm from under his hand and weave my way through the rest of the tables.

"Ally, a car will come to take you home in five minutes, so just chill out here," Sam tells her and then catches up with me.

I emerge from the restaurant, ignoring the paps that are shoving cameras in my face. Sam pushes them away and then I'm being pushed into a car.

It quickly starts driving and I slide my hands down my bouncing legs. Louis is in the hospital. This is my fault. I should have never left him alone. What happened to him? Why is he in the hospital?

The car parks in front of the hospital and I jump out, running into the waiting room to see Liam, Niall, and Zayn all sitting there with their head in their hands.

"Where is he?" I immediately ask and they all look up at me sadly. "We can't go see him right now," Niall says and I shake my head. "I have to go see him. I have to go apologize. This is all my fault," my hands go back up to my head and I'm gripping at my hair.

"Harry, there's nothing we can do right now," Liam says, standing up and walking over to me. He tries to lead me to a chair and I reluctantly sit down.

"No, Liam, it's all my fault, you don't understand-" my voice cracks and I feel my shoulders start to shake as the sobs come on. Liam immediately wraps his arms around me, comforting me and I let my face bury into his chest. My body shakes as the sobs go through my body.

"What's wrong with him? Why is he here?" I ask Niall once I've calmed down a little and Niall avoids my stare.

"I found him on your bathroom floor, the razor broken and the blade laying next to him. He was passed out, unconscious, his arms dripping blood and his stomach draining blood. He cut too deep, Harry. He cut too much. He's lost a lot of blood," Niall says as he bursts into tears, Zayn going to comfort him.

"No, no, no! This can't happen! Fuck, I-we-no!" My voice cracks and I bury my face in my hands. I ruined everything for us. He's going to die and I'm going to be to blame.

"For Louis Tomlinson," a doctor says and I shoot out of my chair, quickly making my way to the make doctor standing in the doorway.

"How is he? Can I go see him? Is he even alive? Oh my god, he's dead isn't he," I rush out, trying to wipe away the tears from my face. "Harry, calm down and let the doctor speak," I feel Liam's hand on my shoulder and I nod, taking a deep breath before looking back up at the doctor.

"We need type O blood, as that is Mr. Tomlinson's blood type. We do not have enough here to sustain him. Do you have a donor?" The doctor states and I furrow my eyebrows.

"Harry! You are type O, I remember seeing it on something!" Niall says quickly and I look at him with wide eyes before turning to the doctor.

"I'm a donor," I rush out quickly, because this is for my Louis. I'll give up my own beating heart for my Louis, a little blood is nothing.

"We need three pints of blood, are you sure you want to do this?" The doctor asks and I quickly nod, wanting this to be done quickly so they can heal Louis.

"Yes, let's go, quickly," I plead and the doctor nods. "Of course, follow me this way and your friends can wait here," the doctor says and Niall, Liam, and Zayn trudge back to their seats as I follow the doctor through the hallways of the hospital.

We get to a room and he motions for me to sit down in the chair. "A nurse will be with you shortly," he says and I nod, resting my head back into the seat as he exits the room.

I take a deep breath and sigh. I fucking hate hospitals. And I hate needles.

But I love Louis.

And that is why I'm doing this, just for him. I just can't believe I left him alone after our fight. It was so stupid of me, and I don't even know what I was thinking.

"Alright love, I'm just going to disinfect your arm and then we will take out the three pints and then deliver to your friend," the nurse says, walking into the room.

"He's going to be okay, right?" I ask and the nurse gives me a sad smile. "We hope so," she says and wow, that made me feel better.

"That gives me so much hope," I say sarcastically and she laughs. "I'm sorry, it's just the truth. Hold out your arm for me," she says and I hold my arm out.

She ties a rubber string around it and then swipes at the fold of my arm with a cotton ball. I shiver at the cold and she sends me a smile.

"You might want to look away, unless you want to see the blood shooting into the bottle," she says and I quickly shake my head, turning it to the side and she chuckles.

"Alright, you are going to feel light-headed after this and you will need to take it easy for a few hours, no strenuous activity until your blood replenishes itself," she informs me and I nod.

"Alright, here we go," she says and I squeeze my eyes shut, taking a deep breath. I feel the soft prick and I squeeze my eyes tighter, seriously hating needles.

After a few moments, the nurse is wiping at my arm and she places the cotton pad onto the pierced skin and tapes it onto my arm.

"Eat the cookie and the glass of water on the desk right here to replenish some energy and get your juices flowing again and remember to take it easy. I'll take this blood to the doctor right now," she says kindly and I thank her before she walks out.

I take the cookie and slowly eat it, sipping the water until I finish the glass and I slowly stand up out of the chair. I feel myself get a little lightheaded and I steady myself before slowly walking back to the waiting room, another nurse escorting me out. I thank her and go back over to take a seat next to Liam.

"Did it work? Is he going to be okay?" Niall asks quickly and I hold my head, still feeling a bit dizzy, but that's expected, seeing as I gave three pints of blood.

"I don't know. The nurse just took the blood to the doctor. They hope that he will be alright," I say sadly and they all frown.

"What if he's not going to be okay?" I ask frantically and Liam quickly pulls me into his chest. "Stop it, don't think like that right now," Liam murmurs and I sigh, closing my eyes and resting against Liam's chest.

But the thought still comes to mind.

-

"Louis Tomlinson?" The doctor calls and I quickly stand up, letting Liam's arms fall off of me. "We are only allowed to speak to family," the doctor says.

"I'm his boyfriend," I say and the doctor eyes me suspiciously before nodding. "Alright," the doctor says and I brace myself for the news.

"The blood was successfully transferred into Mr. Tomlinson's body, however he is in a coma at the moment, so we cannot tell if the blood is effectively replacing the lost blood," the doctor tells me and my face drops.

"Do you know when he will wake up? If he'll wake up?" I mutter the last sentence softly and the doctor gives me a sad smile. "We can only hope it will be soon," he says and I shake my head, wiping my eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Can we-I see him?" I ask and the doctor nods. "Only one visitor at a time and only family for the time being. But, seeing as you are his only so-called family here, I guess you are the only one who can visit him," the doctor says and I nod quickly.

I turn around to face Niall, Liam, and Zayn and the doctor gives me a smile, signaling he will wait for me.

I quickly walk over to the boys and they stand up, looking at me frantically. I quickly relay everything the doctor told me and they groan, sinking back into their seats.

I turn back around and the doctor tells me Louis' room number and we walk down the hallways and up the lift before he stops in front of room 220.

The doctor gives me a sad smile before dismissing himself and I take a deep breath, closing my eyes, and then placing my hand on the door handle and slowly twisting it open.

I see my small fragile baby lying on the hospital bed with his arms bandaged up, and I see his entire torso bandaged up as well.

My breath hitches and I quickly walk over to the bed, letting the door shut behind me and I sink into the chair by the bed, gripping Louis' hand in my own and letting my head fall to the mattress as I feel the tears start to fall down my cheeks.

"I'm so, so sorry Boo. This is all my fault. All my fault. Should've never left you, my baby,"


	26. Chapter 26

-Harry-

I wipe my tears as I stare down at the broken boy lying in the bed. "You don't deserve this. Why am I such an asshole. This is all my fault," I mutter to myself as I stroke his hand with my thumb.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean what I said, you know. I just-god, please wake up," I say, feeling the tears fill my eyes again.

I sigh, getting no response and I lay my head next to his body, still gripping his hand.

"Please don't die," I whisper brokenly, my voice cracking, and I break again. "You can't die! You can't leave me alone! I don't care how fucking selfish I sound, you can't leave me! I-I love you so much," I sob into his hand and I let out my anger with myself through my words.

"I love you, Boo, don't leave me," I am whispering again and I close my eyes, letting myself rest for a few minutes.

-

"Mr. Styles, visiting hours are over, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the nurse tells me, the same one who took my blood.

I look between her and Louis and I grip his hand tighter. I'm not leaving his side until he wakes up.

"I'm not leaving 'till he wakes up," I state and the nurse sighs, looking up at the ceiling and bites her lip.

"You have to leave. It's kind of regulations," she says, looking back at me. "Please, I'll pay extra, do anything, just please let me stay," I plead with her.

She sighs and rolls her eyes before sending me a smile. "Alright, just don't make a big deal about it, and then people won't question it," she says, giving in and my face widens into a smile.

"Thank you so much-uh-what was your name?" I ask, realizing I never got her name. "Sadie, you can call me Sadie," she says, holding out her hand. I send her a wide smile and shake her hand.

"Well hello Sadie, I'm Harry," I say and she chuckles. "I know," she says, letting her hand drop back down to her side as she continues moving around the room, checking the different machines hooked up to Louis.

"Oh right, I kind of...forget, you know?" I mutter and she nods. "Yeah, I get you, I mean, not that I've been in your situation, but I understand where you are coming from," she says and I sigh.

"It sucks sometimes," I say and she frowns. "Can't do the things you want to do. Can't say the things you want to say. Can't date the people you want to date," I mutter the last part sadly, letting my gaze drift to Louis as I squeeze his hand.

"So you two are dating," she says, giving me a small smile to let me know she is okay with it. "Yeah, I mean, I don't think normal friends would donate three pints of blood and then refuse to leave their side until they wake up, holding their hand the entire time," I say, giving a small laugh and she chuckles.

"Of course, it happened to me," she says and I look at her curiously. "What do you mean?" I ask and she smiles, shaking her head.

"I donated blood for my husband and stayed by his side the whole time, waiting for him to wake up. He had gotten into a car crash, drunk driver, hit and run," she says sadly and I stand up, walking over to her and giving her a hug.

"He made it, though. He woke up after three days and it was one of the most relieved moments of my life," she says, wiping her eyes and I smile, reaching my hand out to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"How is he now?" I ask and she smiles. "He's doing great, still the same man I married 7 years ago. He stays at home, working from there, because he takes care of our daughter now," she says.

"How old is she?" I ask, smiling widely as I go to sit back down. "Oh, she's just turned 5 and she is the cutest little thing," Sadie says, laughing to herself at the thought of the little girl.

"Ah, the little ones are so adorable. I want one of my own someday," I say fondly, and I let my gaze turn to look at Louis.

Just imagining him carrying our daughter or son, teaching them how to play footie, or driving them to school in the morning, or lifting them up to sing into his microphone, brings happy tears to my eyes and I quickly wipe them away as Sadie gives me a sad smile.

"He will wake up. He won't leave you here alone. I know the way you two look at each other, it's so obvious how much you two are in love. He's a trooper," she tells me and I give her a questioning look.

"What? Did I not mention I was a One Direction fan?" She asks, faking innocence and she sends me a wink.

"You little cheater," I mutter and she laughs, throwing her head back. "My daughter, Olivia is her name, loves your songs. Her favorite is Act My Age, because she likes dancing around the kitchen to it in the morning," Sadie says and I laugh, imagining the young girl.

"I'd love to meet her sometime," I say and Sadie frowns. "Yeah..." She trails off and then her face brightens. "I could bring her tomorrow!" Sadie says and my face brightens into a smile as well.

"That is a great idea!" I say happily and Sadie laughs. "She's going to be so excited to meet some new people. Plus, she likes coming to work with me. I don't know why she likes coming to the hospital but she does," Sadie says and I laugh.

"I don't think we will ever understand children," I say and she shakes her head.

I look down at Louis, my face changing into a frown. "Do you want to help me change the bandages?" Sadie asks softly and I nod.

She gives me a sad smile and brings over the tray of supplies, setting it down on the bed. "We just unwrap the old ones, apply the creams and disinfectants, and then we wrap them up again with new bandages," she tells me and I nod.

I gently reach my hand out and lift Louis' hospital gown up, revealing the bandages wrapped around his torso. I wince and blink back the tears in my eyes as I unwrap it.

I let the old, bloody bandages rest on the bed next to the tray and I try not to start sobbing at the sight of the cuts. They go deep and long. There are so many of them, covering his whole stomach.

Sadie hands me the disinfectants sadly and I take them. I gently apply them, careful not to put too much pressure onto the cuts and I let my eyes flicker to his face, but much to my dismay, there is no motion or movement from Louis.

Once I rewrap the bandages, I move onto his wrists and I can't help but have memories flood back into my mind of when my wrists looked like this.

Except I didn't have anyone there to clean up my cuts.

I think that is part of the reason why I stay so close and protective over Louis, because he needs me. I know what it's like to not have anyone, and I hope to God, Louis never has to feel that way.

That's why I promise myself to always be there for him, yet I broke that promise and here I am, sitting next to his hospital bed, because he is in a coma, because I broke my promise to myself.

I shake my head and gently rewrap his arms. Sadie takes the dirty bandages and she tells me to lay low, and that she will be back to check back up on Louis in a few hours.

I thank her and she gives me a sad smile before disappearing out into the hall. I grip Louis' hand and I gently reach out my other hand to trace his face, letting my fingers dust across his prominent cheek bones, because he isn't eating like he's supposed to.

I let my fingers brush his fringe out of his face and let my fingers trace his thin lips, wanting them to be on mine again.

I sigh and lay my head down onto the bed, closing my eyes as I sit in the hard plastic chair. I'm half asleep when I hear the door open and I open one eye to see Sadie walk in.

"Go ahead and move onto the couch, we can try to move it closer to the bed, if you'd like," she says sadly and I open both eyes, yawning.

"Mhm," I mumble and she chuckles as I stand up and we both push to move the couch closer to Louis' bed.

I fall onto the couch and glance at Louis one last time before thanking Sadie. She wraps a blanket around me and I yawn, thanking her once again, and I close my eyes, letting myself fall asleep.


	27. Chapter 27

-Harry-

"Olivia if you don't behave then we won't go in to see Harry!" I hear Sadie's voice outside Louis' hospital room and I try to stifle my laughs as a child's voice mutters a soft sorry.

"Okay, he might be asleep, so we have to stay quiet," Sadie says as she slowly opens the door. She sees me staring at her as she walks in and my face immediately turns up into a smile.

"Looks like he's awake," I say and Sadie laughs. "Hello Harry, I've brought Olivia, my daughter," she says and I look behind her to see small girl hugging the legs of her mum.

"Hi Olivia, I'm Harry," I say sweetly and the girl eyes me carefully and releases her hold on her mum's legs, moving to stand next to her.

"Go on and say hi, baby," Sadie pushes Olivia forward slightly and the girl shyly toddles over to me.

I hold my arms out and she giggles, crashing her small body into them and I wrap my arms tightly around her, swaying us back and forth before letting go of her.

"I listened to your song in the car!" She says happily and I smile brightly at her, pulling her into my lap and turning her to face me. "You did? Which one was it?" I ask and she holds her finger to her face, looking off as she thinks.

"It went like this-" she says and takes a deep breath before singing. "'Evbody want steal my girl. 'body wan a take her hat way!" It's off tune and the words are wrong and I chuckle, making eye contact with a smiling Sadie.

I start to sing the song correctly to Olivia and she claps her hands as she tries to sing along with me. "Yay! We sang it! We sang it!" She cheers when we finish and I give her a hug as she throws her arms around my neck.

"We did!" I say happily and she giggles, curling her head into my neck. "So how old are you Livy?" I ask, using her nickname she told me to call her.

"I'm four!" She says, proudly puffing her chest and holding out four fingers. "You're so old!" I say and she giggles, curling back into my neck.

"Who's that?" Olivia asks curiously, pulling away from my neck and looking in Louis' direction as if finally noticing that he was there.

"That's Louis," I say softly and the girl frowns, sliding off my lap and walking over to him, setting her hand on his arm. "Is he sick?" She asks curiously, looking between me and him and I frown, taking a shaky breath, because how do I answer that question?

"Yeah, you could say that I guess," I mumble softly as I look down at my fingers, not wanting to cry.

I see Olivia walk over to me again and she wraps her arms around my neck. "Don't cry, Hazzy," she says sadly and I chuckle softly. She reaches her small hand up and wipes away some tears that fell from my eyes.

"He's going to be okay, and then I will get to talk to him too and then we can all go to the park!" She says, her excitement growing as she gets the idea.

"I hope so," I mumble softly and Olivia gives me a kiss on my cheek. "Do you love him?" She asks, still curious and I flutter my eyes over to the unmoving boy, watching as Sadie checks on the machines, looking at Olivia and I, as well as listening in to our conversation.

"I do. I love him a lot," I say, a smile growing onto my face. "Like Mommy loves Daddy?" Olivia asks and I nod. "Exactly like that. I love him muches," I say and Olivia giggles at my words, crawling back into my lap.

I see Sadie smiling at us out of the corner of my eye and I smile too, because this little girl is certainly something.

Olivia and I spent the rest of the day talking and playing and we even went down to the gift shop to buy flowers and a card that Olivia picked out all by herself to give to Louis.

Olivia fell asleep on top of me and Sadie and I chatted here and there as I basically babysat Olivia, whilst Sadie went to check on her other patients.

Sadie soon took Olivia to go home and I promised to see Olivia again and Sadie promised to bring her back when Louis woke up.

It really makes me want a baby.

-

"Hello love, how are you doing?" Sadie asks and I turn my head to see her carrying a tray full of some food and she walks towards me, setting the tray on the bed next to Louis.

"Fine I guess," I sigh, but give her a small smile. "Well I've managed to sneak you up some food, so eat your breakfast," she says as she gets started on checking the machines hooked to Louis.

"Thanks Sadie," I say gratefully and tear off a small piece of bread, sticking it into my mouth.

It's officially been three days since...the incident and Louis is still in his coma, things not looking up, however things not looking worse either.

"Well, everything seems to look the same," Sadie says, giving me a sympathetic look and I sigh, running my hands over my face and then running a hand through my greasy curls before collecting my hair back and pulling it into a bun.

"It's okay," I assure her and she pats my shoulder gently. "I'm going to check on some other patients, but I'll be sure to come check back in with you later, okay?" Sadie says and I give her a smile and a nod before she walks out.

I grip Louis' hand again and squeeze it tightly, letting my tired head fall to the mattress after I move the tray of food off the bed.

"I really want you to wake up, Lou," I say, closing my eyes. "I miss your laugh. And your smile. You know when you would smile and your eyes would crinkle up and the sides of your face would crinkle, and yeah, that's my favorite look on you. I also miss your blue eyes. They always have been my favorite color, because it's just like this indescribable blue and it's beautiful," I list off the things and I trail off, feeling the tears fall down my cheeks and soak the mattress my head is resting on with my eyes closed.

"Now you're going to die and it's going to be my fault," I mutter sadly and I sniff as more tears fall.

"Oh c'mon Haz, you can't get rid of me that quickly," I hear a familiar voice and my head shoots up to see a tired looking Louis with his eyes open and his face spread into a tired, but wide smile.

"Louis!" I shriek and I immediately click the button, calling for a nurse before throwing my arms around the boy, careful not to put pressure on his injuries and I hear him chuckle as he wraps his arms around me.

I plant kisses all over his face and he just chuckles tiredly. "I've missed you so much and I though you were gone forever and I don't know what I would do with myself if you ever left and I'm so sorry for leaving you Lou. I'm so fucking sorry for leaving you alone-" I am cut off as Louis clamps his hand over my mouth and then he removes it, wiping the tears from under my eyes.

"It's okay, Hazza, it's okay," he reassures me and I squeeze his hand just as the door bursts open and in rushes Sadie before she takes one look at Louis and shrieks with happiness and saying she has to go get the doctor and runs back out of the room, returning seconds later.

I move myself outside his room as nurses and the doctor come in, checking up on him, making sure everything is looking well and then the doctor is talking to Louis before everyone but Sadie leaves and I go back into the room.

"You donated the blood?" Louis asks softly as soon as I sit down. I smile at him and grip his fragile hand in mine, nodding my head.

"Of course. I would've donated my fucking heart if I had to, you know I would do anything for you," I tell him and he nods, looking down at our hands. "I know, but I still don't know why you would, but I know you will," he says and I squeeze his hand. "I will do it because you are so perfect and beautiful and amazing and I love you so goddamn much, I don't even know how it's possible that I love you this much," I say and Louis shakes his head at me, trying to let his hair cover his flushing cheeks.

I finally remember Sadie is in the room and I quickly turn to her as she stands there, staring at us with a big smile on her face.

"Louis, this is Sadie, she is your nurse and she has been taking care of me while I stayed here for the past three days straight," I inform him and he smiles at her.

"Thanks for putting up with him," Louis says laughing and I chuckle as Sadie laughs. "Yeah, it was hard, but I pushed through," she plays along. "That's what she said," I add in, causing us all to burst out laughing.

I fill Louis in on the events that happened since he was in his coma and I even show him the card and the cheap flowers Olivia and I got him. Louis agreed he wanted to meet Olivia, so Sadie promised to bring her tomorrow so we could see her.

"So," I mutter and Louis sends me a sad smile. Sadie has left, leaving us two alone to talk, which is a good thing I guess.

"Management have postponed the tour, and I didn't want to tell them what happened, but they kind of forced me to tell them, and they want to talk to you about what you are going to say about it to the public," I start off saying and Louis sighs, closing his eyes.

I rub my thumb on the back of his hand. "Okay," he says softly and I sigh, bringing his hand up and running it along my cheek.

"I'm so sorry Boo," I start and Louis shakes his head. "Let's not start this, yeah? I know I made a mistake by cutting too deep, but I went so long without doing it that I couldn't stop myself, and that scares me Harry. I can't stop me from killing myself," he says and I wince, closing my eyes.

"I'll help you stop. We can get a therapist, the best one, and we will work through it together," I mumble and Louis smiles. "Okay," he says softly and then he moves over in the bed. The doctor unhooked a lot of machines since Louis woke up, so he's not hooked up to very many things now.

He pats the spot next to him and I grin, crawling in next to him underneath the thin sheet and I wrap my arms around him, avoiding the wires and he snuggles into my chest.

"I've missed you so much, I was so worried that you weren't going to wake up. I though that I was going to be alone and it was going to be my fault that I left you," I say and Louis sighs. "It wasn't your fault. You've been trying so hard to help me get better and I haven't been helping you. I've been throwing away the food when you aren't looking and now this. Please don't blame yourself Harry, because I know that's what you are doing," he says and I sigh, knowing he's right.

"I'm sorry, but it is kind of my fault, because I left you right after we fought and I shouldn't have done that," I mumble and Louis snuggles closer to me.

"Well then it's both of our faults so let's just put this behind us and move on, yeah?" He suggests and I nod. I hear the doctor outside the door and I carefully climb out of the bed just in time before the doctor came into the room.

"You have some more visitors, but only if you'd like to see them," he says and I glance at Louis to see him nod.

"Alright, I'll send them up," he says, turning around and leaving the room. "It's the other boys," I inform Louis, checking the text Niall sent me.

"You've been here since I was brought to the hospital haven't you," Louis states with a knowing smile and I nod, blushing a bit.

"Go home and shower and eat a real meal and then come back. The boys can take care of me and I'll probably take a small nap after they leave. I'm kind of tired. And bring my phone and my laptop," he tells me sternly and I sigh.

"Okay, fine, but stay safe? I don't need anything else to happen to you, especially while I'm gone," I say and he nods, giggling.

"Harold, I'm in a hospital, this is quite possibly the safest place I could be right now," he says and I giggle, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to his lips before standing up.

Just a I'm saying goodbye, the door bursts open and a blur of blonde rushes past me and its arms are immediately around Louis' neck.

"You're okay!" Niall shouts, pulling away and inspecting his body, as if to make sure he is actually there.

"That I am," Louis says chuckling and Liam and Zayn move over to hug Louis on the bed as well.

"I'm on my way out, keep him safe for me?" I say and they all nod, bidding me goodbye and then turning to Louis to talk to him.

I shake my head as I see Sam waiting outside the room. "Ready?" He asks and I nod, knowing he came up with the boys.

I follow him down to the lobby and then go outside towards the black car. I immediately get in, surprised there are no fans or paps outside and close my eyes, resting my head against the window.

I haven't actually gotten a good rest in three days either, so I'm a bit tired as well.

We arrive and my flat's gate is surrounded by paps. I roll my eyes and my car goes through. I get out of the car and the paps immediately start shouting questions at me about Louis, but I don't answer them, keeping my head down since they can't actually mob me due to the fence.

I get inside my flat and I immediately go to take a shower and then I take a small nap. I wake up in an hour refreshed and ready to go back to Louis. I grab his phone and his laptop along with chargers and then I am headed back into the car which drives me back to the hospital.

I bring the items back up to Louis' room to see him asleep and only Zayn sitting on the couch on his phone.

I smile and sit next to him, Zayn shooting me a quick smile before he whispers goodbye and I thank him. He leaves and I plug in my phone as well as Louis' laptop and I admire the sleeping and alive Louis.


	28. Chapter 28

-Louis-

"Can we go see him now?" I hear a high-pitched voice outside my room and Harry turns to me with a smile. "That's Olivia," he tells me, his face brightening.

Someone needs to get him a kid.

What? Don't look at me...

The door slowly opens and a small head pops in giggling. "He's awake!" I hear a screech and the door swings open as the little girl runs into the room, jumping up next to Harry.

"Hazzy, Louis is awake!" She yells and Harry chuckles, holding his arms out as she jumps into them. "I see, would you like to say hi," Harry asks sweetly, looking her over after he snuggled her.

"Yes!" She says excitedly and Harry turns her around. "Livy, this is my boyfriend Louis," Harry says and my face brightens at his words.

"I'm Olivia!" She says proudly and I chuckle, holding my arms out. She crawls over the bed and falls into my arms. I wince a little as he knee presses into my cuts on my stomach so I slightly move her away from that area and I wrap my arms around her.

"Hello Olivia, how old are you?" I ask, knowing from Harry that she likes to tell people her age. "Three!" She says, proudly holding up three fingers.

"You're so old!" I say, grabbing her fingers and pretending to eat them. She giggles and tries to pull them away as she blushes.

"Is Louis okay?" She asks, placing her hands on my cheeks and staring into my eyes. I give her a big smile and I nod. "I'm okay," I say and Olivia nods, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Hazzy was very sad when you were sleeping," she says and I sigh, looking over her shoulder at Harry who is blushing and nodding, catching my eye.

"Is Hazzy happy now?" I ask and Olivia pulls away from me with a frown. "Not until he gives you a get better kiss. Mommy always gives me those and it makes me feel better," Olivia says and I look at Sadie who just shrugs, smiling at me.

"Yeah, come give me a get better kiss," I say, making eye contact with Harry. He blushes and leans over me before gently moving his head down and presses a soft kiss to my lips, pulling away and sitting back down and I frown. "There's children in the room," Harry says smirking and Sadie laughs loudly as Olivia giggles. I don't think Olivia knew why she was giggling though, she was just doing it because her mum was.

If only she knew.

-

After spending the day with Olivia and promising to see her soon, Harry and I just talked for awhile, me taking a nap as well.

"What's been going on in the outside world?" I ask and Harry turns to me with a raised eyebrow.

"What? I'm bored, okay?" I say helplessly and Harry chuckles. "Well, the fans are a bit disappointed that the tour was postponed, but they are trending stuff on Twitter for you, because they know you are in the hospital," Harry says and my eyes widen.

"They are trending stuff...for me?" I ask and Harry nods, moving to sit closer to me. "Yeah, see look," he says, taking out his phone and showing me the trends.

#getwellsoonlouis

#weloveyoulouis

I smile and my eyes start to water a little. "I can't believe they actually care for me," I say and Harry frowns. "Of course they care for you Boo, they have always cared for you, I have always cared for you," he says and I give him a sad smile. "Yeah, I guess I just couldn't see it," I say softly and Harry wraps his arms around me, avoiding wires and my bandages.

"How about a twitcam?" I ask as Harry pulls away and he raises his eyebrow at me. "A twitcam?" He asks and I nod. "Yeah, I haven't done one in so, so, so long and I think they deserve it after the tour being postponed due to me being stupid," I say and Harry frowns, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "You weren't being stupid, but I agree, let's do a twitcam," he says and I smile, motioning for him to grab my laptop.

"Wait, we can't do it with just the two of us, management will be on our backs," I say sadly and Harry frowns. The hotel room door opens and I see Niall walk in.

"Nialler!" I cheer and Niall smiles brightly at me. "How are you?" He asks and I smile. "I'm just about to do a twitcam, but Harry and I realized we can't do it with just the two of us. Do you wanna join it?" I ask and Niall nods. "Yes! Harold start it up!" I say and Harry smiles at me as he opens my laptop and sets the twitcam up.

He places the laptop on the end of the bed and he sits next to me as Niall sits on the other side. We wait for some people to come on and Harry tweets out off of my account, saying I'm doing a twitcam which automatically raised our views.

"Okay, let's hope we don't crash this," I mutter and Niall laughs. "Hey guys! It's me, yeah, I'm alive don't worry," I say, chuckling slightly.

"Um, I just wanted to do a twitcam as it is kinda my fault that the tour got postponed, so I'm sorry about that. Some things just...came up," I mutter the last part softly and Harry discreetly squeezes my back softly.

"I also want to thank you guys for not mobbing the hospital, I know some of you might want to, but it's for the sake of the other patients, because I don't think they would like having thousands of girls singing What Makes You Beautiful in the middle of the night. That would make them want to leave this dreaded place even more," I say and Niall bursts out laughing as Harry chuckles slightly, me laughing to myself quietly.

"So, ask some questions, Nialler, Harold, and I can answer them for you," I say and I glance at Harry out of the corner of my eyes who is smiling at me.

A load of comments and questions keep coming in and I frown as I see one question keep being asked by multiples of people.

Why are there bandages on your arms Louis?

did louis cut himself?

What are the bandages on louis' arms?

Did he try to commit suicide?

I almost break down at the last question as people have started reading those and now everyone is asking them. Niall and Harry stay silent and I feel my eyes well up with tears.

I committed suicide.

It just hit me now and I can't help it as tears start falling down my face. Harry immediately notices and I can tell he wants to hold me, but he can't with everyone watching.

Niall looks between us two and he grabs the laptop, turning it so it is facing the complete opposite way as us and Niall starts talking about random stuff, telling them stories of where he went to lunch yesterday.

I break down and Harry immediately takes me in his arms. I cry into his chest and he presses his lips repeatedly to my forehead, whispering things to me.

"I tried to kill myself. I tried to commit suicide. I could've succeeded and let everyone down. What is wrong with me Hazza?" I try to keep my voice down as I cry and Niall is giving me worried glances as he continues telling random stories.

"Shh baby, I know, it's okay. Everything just now hit you, didn't it?" He asks and I nod. "Alright, deep breaths for me. Let's finish up this twitcam and then we can cuddle and take a nap, yeah? Nothing is wrong with my beautiful perfect baby," he whispers and I nod. "Okay," I whisper and I dry my eyes, taking a few deep breaths.

Harry gives me a soft kiss before he pulls away and I nod to Niall who tells them that I'm okay and he's going to turn the laptop back around. Niall adjusts the laptop back to how it was before and I wipe my eyes before spreading my face into a smile.

"Sorry guys, I just kind of lost it there," I mumble and I turn my eyes to the comments.

HARRY WAS COMFORTING LOUIS I REPEAT HARRY WAS COMFORTING LOUIS

harry probably just had to go to the bathroom or something and so niall turned the camera

These white boys think we dont know that harry and louis were cuddling and harry was probably pressing kisses to louis' forehead trying to comfort him as niall tried to turn the laptop and distract us

Everything is about Harry and I off the screen and I try to not blush and smile. "So, for those of you asking earlier, I-um-I'm in the hospital, because-" I stop, taking a deep breath and looking down at my hands as I play with my fingers, glancing at the white bandages covering both wrists.

I feel Harry's hand squeeze my back and I know it's risky, because they can probably see his arm, but I don't care, because I need the comfort to do this and I know management are going to give me shit about this later, but it's my life and these are my fans and they deserve to know.

"I went through a hard time and something happened and I cut, I cut too deep and then I was rushed to the hospital and I got the blood and I was in a coma. I-I have been struggling with depression and cutting for awhile, only majorly for the past two years, and then something happened and I lost it. I'm so, so, so fucking sorry to all of you who love me and I'm sorry that I've let you down. It wasn't fair of me to do this and I was being selfish, yet it seemed like the right thing at the time, but now I realize that it wasn't. Please, if any of you are out there who are struggling with this like me, don't do it, try to stop. I know it's hard, god it's so hard, but I'll be here for you. I love you," I take in a shuddery breath and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes again and I'm sure Twitter is blowing up, along with every social media site.

My phone starts vibrating but I ignore it, knowing it's management and I don't want to deal with that. Niall and Harry have shocked faces and they quickly say goodbye before ending the twitcam and Niall gives me a hug, before saying he's going to go to leave Harry and I alone.

Niall sets my laptop on the table and leaves, shutting the door behind him. I let the tears fall down my face once more and Harry is wrapping his arms around me, cuddling me close to him as I cry into his chest.

"I'm so, so proud of you, my baby. That took so much courage and you did it and I'm just so proud of you. Who cares that everything is probably blowing up and management is going to kill us, because you did something that takes a shitload amount of courage and you did what you wanted to do and I couldn't be prouder," he says, kissing all over my face, wiping away my tears as they fall.

"Everyone will hate me now. They will just think of me as a freak who cuts himself," I mutter and Harry shakes his head. "No, they will love you even more and they have so much more respect for you now," Harry says and I sigh, giggling a little as Harry rubs my back.

"They should respect me, I'm king," I say and Harry chuckles before snuggling his face into my cheek. "My king," he mumbles, gently biting at the skin on my neck.


	29. Chapter 29

-Louis-

"Oh my god, Dagger has probably missed me so much," I voice my thoughts and Zayn laughs, shaking his head.

"Well it's a good thing we are at your flat then," he says just as the car pulls up to my flat.

"Get in there and see your boyfriend," Zayn says, seeing my nervousness as my knee bounce up and down.

I sigh and fix my hair before tugging the sleeves of my sweater down. I have just been released from the hospital and I haven't seen Harry since this morning, because he said he 'had plans to finish' and I am guessing he has something planned for me when I get home.

I cautiously get out of the car, thankful that we live in a private residence so I don't have to deal with paps yet. I haven't spoken to anyone but Harry and the boys since I told everyone what happened and I don't plan on doing so for a few days.

Zayn's hand pushes my back as he leads me to my door, knowing I'm too nervous to do so myself.

He gives me a hug and whispers goodbye as he walks back out to the car, after knocking on the door. I watch confused and the car drives away just as the door opens, revealing Harry.

"Boo!" He shouts and I whip around, seeing him dressed up nicely in a white button down and black jeans. "Hazza!" I say happily and jump into his arms. He grips my thighs, supporting me up as he brings me inside and shuts the door.

"I'm so glad you're home," he says, pulling away from my lips and setting me down. "I'm glad to be out of the bloody hospital. That place sucks," I say and Harry smiles, wrapping his arms around me again.

"So why are you all dressed up?" I ask curiously, playing with the collar on his shirt and he smiles sheepishly. "Well, I-um-kind of planned a special day for us since you're back home and stuff, but only if you're up for it-" he rambles on and I giggle, pressing my lips to his with a smile.

"I'll love to do anything with you," I say and Harry's face brightens. "Okay, here, put these on and then come into the dining room, but don't go upstairs," he says quickly, throwing me some clothes before running off to the kitchen.

I chuckle and shake my head, but I change out of my dirty clothes, slipping on the black skinnys and the black button down. I try to fix my hair with my fingers as much as I can before I go into the dining room as told.

"Welcome to dinner, may I escort you to your seat?" Harry says in a posh accent and I hold back my giggles as he takes my hand, giddily leading me to one of the two chairs set up at our dining room table.

The lights are off and candles are laid all around the table. There are the fancy plates and silverware that we only use for special occasions set up and I smile up at Harry as he pulls my chair out, letting me sit down.

"Hazza, this is beautiful," I say in awe, feeling myself tear up a little at the though of Harry going through all this effort for me.

"You deserve the best, Lou," he says sweetly and I'm left blushing as he runs back off into the kitchen to get our meal, I suppose. He comes back with a platter and I giggle when I see the food on it.

"And for the meal tonight we have chicken, stuffed with mozzarella, wrapped in parma ham, and as a side we have homemade mashed potatoes, not from the box, but homemade," Harry says and I giggle as he sets the platter down, serving me some chicken and mash before serving himself some and sitting down.

"I can't believe you made all of this," I mutter and Harry reaches across the table, taking my hand in his. "Of course, this is my fault anyways, because I left you and I want to show you how much I love you," he says and I feel the tears well in my eyes.

"I hope those are happy tears," Harry says teasingly and I chuckle, sniffing a little as I remove one hand, wiping at my eyes. "Always happy around you," I say and Harry smiles, bring my hand to his lips and kissing my fingers each individually, one by one.

"I love you so much," he whispers and I smile. "I love you," I whisper back and then Harry pulls his hands from mine.

"I'm starving. I was making this food and my mouth was watering the entire time, because I kept thinking back to when you made this for me as our first get-together, right before you and Eleanor were going to become public and we both knew that you didn't want to exactly date her, because she was kind of a bitch, so you made this and I tried to help but you would slap my hand away each time and you didn't burn the house down and I was really proud of you," Harry rambles as he starts to cut up his chicken and I'm laughing as we talk about everything and nothing at the same time, eating a meal that is important to just the two of us.

Harry takes the dirty plates and silverware and sets them into the sink before grabbing my hand. "We aren't done yet," he says and I smile at him, shaking my head.

"Put your jumper on, it's going to be a little cold," he says and I furrow my eyebrows before grabbing one of Harry's sweatshirts that is lying on the couch and I turn to see Harry walking downstairs with his own sweatshirt on.

He hands me a beanie as he slips his Green Bay Packers one on and I smile as I slip mine on.

He takes my hand and we slowly go outside. "Wait, Harry where are we going?" I ask nervously, because there could be paps anywhere.

"Don't worry baby, you trust me right?" He asks and I nod. "Okay, then I won't let anyone see us, yeah?" He reassures me and kisses my nose before leading me, still holding my hand.

It was dark out, already being 8pm at night and it's hard to make out things but Harry walks along the empty sidewalks with me as we keep our heads down and he leads me through.

"Okay, close your eyes," he says and I roll them, but close them anyways, putting my hands over them.

Harry leads me by the shoulders further into wherever we are going and then we stop.

"Open," he whispers lowly in my ear and I shiver, from the cold of course, nothing else.

I open my eyes to see a small bridge lit up with candles lining the edge of it. The candle road leads me to it and I turn to Harry who is watching my reaction intently.

"Harry...this is-" I can't even finish because of how in awe I am and Harry's arms are wrapped around my waist.

"It took forever to light these with the wind and all," he mutters and I laugh softly.

"There's stuff at the end, kind of," Harry mutters shyly, letting go of my waist.

I hum and walk slowly through the lit candles, enjoying every single one as I walk through them. I cross the bridge and I see a basket at the end of the row of candles.

I turn to Harry who nudges me forward with a smile. I cautiously walk towards the basket and kneel down, slowly opening it up.

I chuckle as I see a note with a single rose. I let my eyes scan over the note, having to go near one of the candles to read it.

Are you a fish, because I just want to reel you in.

p.s. go swimming with me?

I roll my eyes as his cheesy pick up line but look back up at him. He is biting his cheek nervously and playing with his fingers looking down.

"Of course Hazza," I say and he looks up at me, his dimples showing alone with his cute smile.

"Not now, though, because there is more waiting for us at home, yet getting your permission is all I needed, because then I can use it for future reference," Harry says and I shake my head, chuckling.

Harry grabs the basket and I help him blow out all the candles as we pile them into the basket along with the note and Harry grips my hand, leading us back home.

He opens the door and I let out a sigh of relief, because we didn't get caught by the paps. Harry sets the basket down on the couch and I hear a meow.

I look down to see a black ball staring back up at me with wide eyes, letting out another meow.

"Dagger," I say softly and bend down next to the kitten, picking her up and cuddling her into my chest, placing kisses along her body until she is wriggling too much for me to hold her and I let her go as she runs into another room.

"We aren't done yet," Harry says with a smile as I stand back up, brushing off my pants. "Oh?" I ask and he nods. "Yeah, it's time to go upstairs," he says mischievously and I grin.

Harry grips my hand and leads me upstairs. "Now if you don't want to, just tell me," Harry says and I nod, not really knowing what he's referring to.

Harry takes a deep breath before opening the door to our bedroom and my breath hitches as I see, once again, more candles and I think that Harry might love the candles more than he loves me so he just needs to put the two of us together as many times as possible in order to satisfy his needs.

I see rose petals covering our bed and the candles give off a nice glow in the room. "I want to show you how much I love you," he says and my face widens at what he is implying.

"And I couldn't be more glad," I say happily and that's all it takes as Harry attaches his lips onto mine, gently pushing me back towards the bed.

**smutty smut smut teehee**

He runs his hands underneath my black shirt and my, well his, sweatshirt before slipping them both gently over my head. He frowns as he sees the bandages and I lift his chin up, placing a kiss to his lips. "They will heal, and I'm not going to do it again, because I have you and that's all I need," I say and that's all it takes for Harry to lift his own shirt off and run his hands over my body again, making sure not to mess up the bandages.

He moves his lips, attaching them to my neck and I crane it over, giving him more access to the skin. He sucks harshly and my breath hitches as he swipes his tongue across his mark.

He moves down from my neck to my chest, planting kiss and lovebites along in a trail. He reaches the bandages and he places a kiss on every overlap of the bandage.

My eyes well up at the sweetness and Harry is looking at me, wiping underneath my eyes and pressing a soft kiss to my lips before moving back down to the waistband of my jeans. He unbuttons them and I lift my hips up, letting him slide them off and throw them to the floor.

He slides his own off, knowing that whenever I try to get them off him they get stuck and he has to do it anyways.

"Love you so much, baby," Harry is whispering as his lips are back on mine and I wrap my fingers in his long hair.

He gently moves down and slides my boxers off, throwing them next to my jeans and he wraps his lips around my tip, swiping his tongue over it before enveloping it into his mouth and bobbing up and down. I moan, gripping the sheets tightly and then Harry is pulling out, grinning at my glare that I give him.

He reaches over to the bedside table and grips the lube in his hand. "I didn't want the condom, but I'll use it if you want me to," he says and I shake my head. "Want to feel you," I whimper as I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel my throbbing member waiting for relief.

Harry sighs in relief and I open my eyes again to see him opening the lube and squirting some on his fingers before throwing it back onto the bed.

-Third Person's POV (idk it will be easier to write i guess)-

Harry spreads Louis' legs apart and moans at the sight. "So pretty, all spread out and ready," Harry mutters and Louis grips the sheets tighter as air reaches his hole.

Harry grins at the effect he has on Louis. He slowly circles around Louis' hole with his pointer finger and Louis whimpers so Harry takes that as a sign to enter.

Harry slowly slips one finger in and Louis' breath hitches, still not used to his hole being spread apart. Harry slowly moves his finger in and out, curling it and watching as Louis writhes beneath him.

"Another," Louis whimpers and Harry turns his head, kissing the inside of Louis' thigh before slowly entering in another finger.

Harry moves around, pumping his two fingers into a out, slowly scissoring Louis open. Harry adds a third finger and Louis gasps, but starts moving down onto Harry's hand so Harry moves it, opening Louis up completely.

Harry removes his fingers and kisses Louis' whimpering lips before Harry slides off his boxers and lets out a sigh of relief as his hard member is released.

Harry grabs the lube and lathers himself up quickly as Louis whimpers from the feeling of emptiness.

Harry throws the lube back down and grips Louis' waist after throwing his legs over his shoulder and his cock is tracing Louis' entrance.

Louis is gripping at Harry's hair and whining for Harry to stop teasing and I mean, who is Harry to deny the little kitten.

Harry slowly pushes his tip in and Louis' breath hitches as Harry pushes his way slowly until he is all the way in. He looks up at Louis' face and wipes away the tears that have slipped down from his beautiful clenched-shut eyes.

Harry buries his face in Louis' neck, kissing it there as Louis adjusts to Harry and then Louis is whispering for Harry to move.

Harry grips Louis' waist tighter as Louis grips Harry's hair and then pulls out before moving back in, whispering 'I love you's the whole time. He moves slowly, relishing in the two of them being so intimately close before Louis is moaning for Harry is move faster.

Harry picks up his pace, slamming into Louis faster as Louis is moaning out Harry's name loudly and the rose petals are being scattered around the bed, some falling off the sides.

"I-I'm close," Harry mutters into Louis' neck and he reaches between them as he keeps his steady rhythm. Harry grips Louis' leaking hard member and pumps his hand in time with his rapid thrusts, causing shots of pleasure to go through Louis.

"Harry, I-I gonna cu-" Louis doesn't get to finish as a loud moan erupts from both of them and soon Harry is spilling into Louis right before Louis spills into Harry's hand.

Once they've regained their breathing, Harry gently pulls out and Louis whimpers at the loss. Harry's arms wraps around Louis, placing kisses to his neck and whispering soft 'I love you's.

**all done kinda cutesy ya know**

"Bath time," Harry chuckles as Louis yawns. Harry unwraps his arms from around Louis and rolls out of the bed. Louis holds his arms out tiredly and Harry chuckles but picks Louis up and carries him to the bathroom.

Harry sets Louis down who sits on the toilet seat as he looks around at the rose petal covered bathroom. There are petals lying all around the floor and around the edge of the bathtub and Louis smiles tiredly at all the effort Harry put into the day.

Harry turns on the water, making sure the temperature is hot enough and he adds in some rose-scented bubble bath.

-Louis again :)-

I giggle at all the rose stuff and candle stuff, because leave it to Harry to be cheesy.

The bath is soon filled and Harry shuts off the water. He walks over to me and gently starts to unwrap the bandages on my wrists, frowning as the cuts come into view, but they've considerably healed since the first day in the hospital. He then unwraps the bandages from around my stomach and places a kiss to each of my wrists.

He picks me up gently and sets me into the water before crawling in himself. I smile as I lean back into his chest, closing my eyes and his arms wrap around me.

We just relax and I realize how tired I am, because let me tell you, hospital beds are not comfortable at all. Harry must notice how tired I am because after a few minutes of us relaxing he starts to wash off my sticky body and then he tilts my head back, cupping some water and pouring it over my head, protecting my eyes.

He washes his own body off and then he steps out of the bathtub, giving me a soft smile as he dries himself off and wraps a towel around his waist before holding his hands out and helping me out of the bathtub before wrapping me up in a fluffy towel, burrito style.

I smile and he snuggles me to his chest as he walks me out to our bedroom. I shiver at the cold and pull the blanket around myself even more.

Harry throws his jumper and a pair of boxers onto the bed and I let my towel drop to the floor, slipping the clothes on as Harry slips on a pair of boxers and takes my towel from the floor, returning it to the bathroom.

I cuddle up into the bed and I see Harry come back into our room and smile at me in the bed. He walks over and climbs underneath the blankets, cuddling me close to him and I snuggle into his chest.

"I love you my beautiful baby," he whispers and I blush, cuddling into his chest further as he places a kiss to my hair. "I love you my beautiful frog," I say, causing us both to laugh as we fall asleep to each other's breaths.

-god this is such a long chapter and it is still going my peoples you're lucky i love you-

Three days after I got home and Harry was the sweetest person in the whole fucking world, we get the much dreaded, but much expected call from management, saying they needed to meet up with us that day.

Which is why I was currently a nervous wreck in the passenger seat as we drove to the building.

"Baby, calm down, this stress isn't good for you," Harry says, resting his hand on my thigh, trying to stop my bouncing knee. "What if they kick me out of the band? I told the fans stuff I wasn't supposed to tell them and management already hate me and I'm going to be sued, oh my god, they will try to separate us-" My rambles continue as every single worse-case scenarios goes through my mind.

Harry gives up trying to calm me down as he focusing on driving and he soon pulls into the parking space and turning towards me, gripping my shaking shoulders and turning my body to face him.

"Whatever happens in there, just remember that I love you, and the boys love you and I will protect you, okay?" He reassures me and I nod, still completely nerve-wracked about the whole ordeal about to come.

He presses a kiss to my lips and then climbs out of the car, me following a little ways behind so in case cameras are there, they can't say anything.

Harry waits for me inside the doors and then grips my hand as the receptionist nods for us to go up to the room.

I pull my sweater sleeves down and Harry tightens his grip on my hand, giving me a reassuring smile that I can't just seem to return at the moment.

We get to the room right on time and Harry opens the door, revealing management people and Liam, Niall, and Zayn.

The other boys give me a reassuring smile and I try to return it but it comes out as a grimace and Harry leads me to the two empty seats next to Niall, placing me in between himself and Niall.

Harry still grips my hand under the table and Harry Magee clears his throat, looking around the room at all of us.

"Let's start off with the tour," he says and god, I'm already hating this meeting.

"As we know, it is currently postponed, but I think we should plan on continuing it in two weeks, how does that sound?" He asks and I look to the other boys as well all nod at each other, silently agreeing.

"That seems fine," Liam says and Magee nods. "Now to move on to a more serious topic," he starts and I gulp. Harry squeezes my hand, reminding me he is there and I take a deep breath as Magee moves his gaze to me.

"As you all know, Louis you told the world why you were in the hospital, would you care to explain?" Magee asks, his voice stern and I look down to my lap.

"Um, I just felt that the fans deserved the truth," I said, biting my lip as I spoke to my lap and Magee sighs. "Yet it caused you and Harry to go off camera and now all the fans are suspicious," Richard Griffith adds in and Harry squeezes my hand once again.

"I was going to cry so Harry comforted me, at least he didn't do it on camera," I said sassily and the men all sigh.

"We are going to need to stop these rumors again, so we need Elea-" Magee is cut off by Harry. "They don't need to be stopped, when they are true," Harry says and I move my gaze back to my lap.

"You have to listen to us, we cannot have two gay members in the band!" Magee says loudly and Harry slams the table, releasing my hand.

"No, listen to me! Louis has been pushed over the edge because of the fake girlfriend you keep pressuring on us and he tried to commit suicide because of it. It's 2015 and the world has changed. Did you see Sam Smith? He is openly gay, yet he was nominated and won Grammys, yet you want to tell me that the world is against us. Things would be so much easier if Louis and I were out to the world and everyone can already see through the fake relationships you keep putting us through. Why can't you just let us be happy for once?" Harry's voice breaks at the end as he sinks back into his chair.

"Okay," Magee whispers and Harry sits up in his chair as I shoot my head up in shock. "What?" Harry asks in shock and I see the other boys with the same expression.

"Okay, you two can come out," Magee sighs as he puts his head in his hands. My shock is turned into happiness and I turn to Harry who immediately turns to me and then he is straddling me with his lips attached to mine and my hands are in his hair.

We pull away breathless and I giggle at everyone's groaning faces as Harry rests his forehead on mine. "I told you I'd protect you," he whispers and I smile, pecking his lips. "You did," I say and Harry climbs off my lap, sitting back in his own chair but he grips my hand, intertwining our fingers.

"Think of how you want to do it and we will set it up for sometime next week, that way you can start your tour up again with a fresh start and maybe even more popularity since this is going to be the most publicity we've had in awhile," Magee says and I nod, looking to Harry as he looks at me with equal excitement.

"You may go boys, just let us know how, soon," he says and I can't help it as I jump out of my chair and wrap my arms around Harry before we are making our way out to his car, still separately, but that's okay, because soon we can do it together.


	30. Chapter 30

-Louis-

"Okay, so what exactly are we going to do?" Liam asks and I turn to look around at the other boys sitting around. We are at mine and Harry's flat trying to decided how Harry and I are going to come out and so far we have no ideas.

"We could just post a picture on Instagram or something?" Harry suggests and I snuggle into his chest further shaking my head. "No, then people will think we just got hacked. We have to make it so no one can doubt it," I say and the other boys nod.

We fall in silence, all thinking, when Niall suddenly claps his hands. "Let's do a livestream! Or a video diary, just like in the old times!" Niall says, and my face brightens.

"Yeah! We could just mess around like we used to and then bring it up and tell them," Zayn says and we all agree, getting more excited as we talk about it.

"So it's settled then, I'll call management and let them know to set it up and then text you guys the details," Liam says and we nod as he says goodbye, leaving us.

"I better go, Mum told me to call her today," Zayn says as he gets up to go. Niall agrees, saying he has to clean his flat and they both leaving after bidding us goodbye.

Harry turns to me and kisses my nose. "We're almost there, baby," he whispers and I cuddle into his chest with a smile.

-

Today's the day.

My hands are shaking and my breathing is fast as I think about what is to come later today.

I feel a hand on my arm and I turn to see Harry standing there with a knowing smile. "Calm down baby, everything will be fine," he says softly and I nod, biting my lip.

"C'mon," he says, grabbing my hand and I furrow my eyebrows as he drags me downstairs. "Where are we going?" I ask curiously and Harry just smiles at me.

"To get you to relax," he says as he leads me outside, locking his door and opening the car door for me. I'm thankful I grabbed my phone and I wait for Harry to get into the car as well.

"What are we doing?" I ask again and Harry just places his hand on my thigh. "Relax," he says and I roll my eyes, turning on the radio and sitting back in my seat, sensing we will be in here for awhile.

After over an hour's drive, Harry finally pulls off the highway and he turns into a spot, parking his car halfway in the sand of a deserted beach.

"C'mon," he says and I smile, shaking my head as I climb out of the car. I slip my shoes off and throw them onto the seat before closing the door and meeting a barefoot Harry at the front of his car.

He locks it and takes my hand, dragging me towards some rocks that have water lapping up onto them and he guides me into a small little half cave, more like a cove.

He plops down into the sand, resting his back against the rock wall of the cave and he looks out at the water. I sink down next to him and he pulls my body into his, snuggling his head into my neck.

We move so we are laying down and Harry wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close so we are chest to chest.

I move my arms up and I start to run my fingers through his hair, knowing it calms him down. He closes his eyes and lets out a soft sigh as he smiles and rubs my back.

"How are you, boo?" He asks softly and I smile, knowing the answer to this question already. "A little nervous, but I'm happy. Not just a fake happy, but a real joyful gladness happy happy," I say and Harry chuckles before pressing his lips to mine.

"I'm so proud of you and I'm so in love with you," he says and I smile at him, snuggling my face into his chest.

"I love you," I whisper in return and he places a kiss to the top of my head.

"Boo?" He asks after a minute of us just listening to the other's breathe. "Yeah Hazza?" I ask and he nudges his face into my neck. "Marry me?" He asks, barely audible, but I catch it and my breath hitches in my throat.

"I'm sorry, I know you probably wanted a big extravagant thing and you know what, just forget I asked. It just came to my mind and I wasn't really thinking before I said it and-" I cut him off by pressing my lips to his and tangling my fingers into his hair.

"You need to not ramble after asking important questions," I joke and Harry's cheeks flush. "But yeah, I will," I say and Harry's face widens and he is smiling, before reaching behind my head and placing his hand on my neck, pulling my head down to meet his lips.

I tilt my head to the side as Harry slips his tongue into my mouth. I move so I am on top of him and his hands go down to grip my bum, squeezing it softly. I let out a soft moan and rut down onto Harry, grinding our crotches together.

He lets out a moan and I pull away from him breathless, remembering we are still technically "in public", although this place is deserted.

I look down at Harry's face and start laughing at his pouty face. "Oh god, I'm laughing so hard right now," I laugh even harder as Harry just tries to cross his arms with my body still being on top of him. "I'm glad I helped you get hard," Harry states and my eyes widen at the realization of what he said before I'm snorting and clutching my side, rolling off of Harry and into the sand.

"Oh my god that was so bad," I say still in a hysterical mess rolling around in the sand. By now Harry has an amused look on his face and then he crawls over until he stills my body, climbing over me and hovering his face above mine.

"What did the dog say when he went to the toilet?" Harry asks lowly and I scrunch my eyebrows together. "What?" I ask and Harry leans his head down so his lips are right next to my ear.

"Shit Lou," he says seductively before rolling off of me as he starts snorting uncontrollably and pats himself on the back as he rolls in the sand and clutching his stomach as he continues laughing. I just stare blankly at him waiting for him to finish his laughing spree and he looks at me, wiping tears from his eyes.

"You don't get it do you?" Harry asks defeated and I shake my head. "Get it? The dog goes to the toilets, a shitzu but it's shit lou because you are in the loos and your name is lou and-oh never mind," he says and laugh loudly, finally getting it.

"Okay that one was definitely bad," I say and then once again Harry is pulling me by my waist into his body. "Remember when I gave you that note in the picnic basket?" He asks and I nod, remembering the events from a few nights ago.

"Well I think it's time you take me up on my offer," he says, standing up and holding his hand out for me.

"If I freeze, I blame you," I say and Harry just laughs. "C'mon, take your clothes off for me Tommo the Tease," he says and I raise my eyebrows at him.

"Skinny dipping," Harry shrugs, as if it's the most sane thing to do in the public eye as two famous people.

"There's no one around to even see us, it's fine," Harry says and I look around the beach once more before sighing and slowly slipping off my clothes.

Harry's eyes rake my up and down and I try to lay my arms across my stomach to block him from seeing the scars there. "Don't," Harry whispers, reaching out and pulling my arms down. He slowly takes off his clothes and then drags me out to the water.

We are still semi-enclosed in our little cove, but I don't feel very safe, especially since I'm stark naked.

Harry wraps his arms around me once we are chest deep in the water and I rest my head on his chest.

"You really meant it when you said you would marry me?" Harry asks nervously and I roll my eyes at his stupidness. "Of course Harry. I'm not just dating you and I didn't just fall in love with you for the fun of it," I say and Harry blushes.

"I know, I just wanted to make sure you were serious," he says and I give him a smile, catching his lips in mine. "Always," I whisper and Harry smiles leaning down to kiss me again.

"Oi! What're ye two doing on me property?!" My head whips towards the shore as we see an old man waving his fist at us as he starts walking towards us. It is then that I notice a 'No Trespassing' sign and I turn to Harry who is just laughing.

"You saw the sign didn't you," I say, narrowing my eyes at him, ignoring the old man yelling at us as he walks closer. Harry shrugs with a smirk and I punch his shoulder lightly.

"Now it's your job to get us out of here," I say and Harry just shrugs again, but this time with a mischievous smile. "Follow my lead," he whispers as he grabs my hand and oh, if he is planning to do what I think he is-

"Ah! Shark!" Harry suddenly screams as he starts running towards the shore, dragging me behind him. I try to keep up with him knowing damn well there isn't a shark and now my goods are up for the old man to see.

"Ahh! Me eyes!" The man yells, shielding his eyes as he runs back to his house, yelling the whole time. Harry quickly slips on his boxers and his shirt before he collapses into the sand laughing. My cheeks are flushed from embarrassment, but I find myself laughing too as I slip on my boxers and my shirt.

Harry and I slip on our pants and he takes my hand, leading me back to the car. We get in and I shiver from the cold hitting my wet body and Harry immediately turns up the heater and reaches into the back of the car, pulling forward a small pile of towels.

I raise a curious eyebrow at him and he just shrugs. "I'm just prepared for when we can't contain ourselves to wait until we get home," he says nonchalantly and I feel my cheeks flush as I realize what he is implying.

I take the towel and mutter a thanks as Harry chuckles and I try to dry off my hair.

My phone starts to ring, but I ignore the call, which is from Liam and my eyes widen as I check my phone. "Harry, check your phone," I say before Harry starts to drive away.


	31. Chapter 31

-Louis-

"What?" Harry asks and I sigh, grabbing Harry's phone out of the cup holder to see that he has the same problem I do. "There's like 50 calls from everyone, I think we're late," I groan and Harry's eyes widen. "Shit," he mumbles as he grabs his phone and scrolls through all the missed calls from everyone.

"I'll call Liam and tell him we're on our way," I say and Harry sighs before putting the car into drive and he starts driving to the secret location we are doing the live-stream at.

I quickly click on Liam's contact and I put it on speaker so Harry can hear as well.

"Where are you guys?" Liam asks frantically as soon as he answers my call. "We are on our way. Sorry Li, we both are just kinda nervous so we took a little drive to calm down and talk things over," I say and Liam lets out a sigh of relief.

"It's alright, I understand how nervous you guys are. Try and hurry, though, okay? We were supposed to start 15 minutes ago and the fans are getting impatient that we haven't started it yet," Liam says and I chuckle.

"Alright, give us like twenty minutes and we'll be there," I say and I look to Harry to make sure that's about how much time it will take to get back. He nods and I turn my attention back to the phone.

"Got it, we'll be waiting," Liam says and we hang up the phone. I let out a sigh of relief that he wasn't mad and Harry rests his hand on my thigh.

I smile at him and he turns his head to smile at me before turning his attention back to the road.

"Look at that cliff thing over there," I point out to Harry and I see his eyes follow my arm to see where I'm pointing. He smiles and slowly pulls off and parks on the sand. I roll my eyes at his curiosity, but I get out of the car with him as he walks near the edge.

"Look at the view," he says and our backs are to the ocean as we stare at the different cities in front of us. "It's beautiful," I whisper and Harry turns to me with a smirk. "Don't say it," I cringe, waiting for him to say the cheesy line.

"Just like you," he says and I groan. "Cheesy fuck," I say and Harry kisses my cheek. "You love it," he says and I watch as he turns around to go back.

I continue staring out at the view and I look down. My toes are at the edge of the cliff. One step and I would be falling off the edge, flying in a free fall.

Six months ago, I probably would have taken that one step, but now, I don't want to take the step, there's something holding me back. I don't have that needing desire to die anymore, to just stop existing. I found my reason to stay here and my reason is Harry.

I feel a hand slip into mine and pull my hand back. I continue staring at the view and I hear a camera click. I turn around to see Harry holding his phone up, taking a picture of me and our connected arms. He gives me an embarrassed smile that I caught him and I smile back.

"Don't jump," he says and it's not in a joking way, he's serious and I shake my head. "I don't want to anymore. I have you," I say and I see Harry's eyes start to water and before I know it, my head is being pulled to his chest and I hear him try to muffle his cries in my hair. I feel tears prick my eyes too and I know they are happy tears, like Harry's.

"I love you, god I love you so fucking much," he whispers and I look up, pressing my lips to his in response. His hands move to my waist and my hands are cupping his cheeks as our lips move together. It isn't a hungry kiss, but a kiss filled with emotion and love and happiness.

"We should get going back," Harry says and I nod, wiping my thumb under his eyes to wipe away his tears. "Happy tears," he whispers and I chuckle before we get back into his car.

We arrive at the secret location and quickly run into the building. I hear sighs of relief and cheers as we rush in and our stylists quickly fix us up.

Liam, Niall, and Zayn all walk over to us as soon as the pampering is done and they gives us smiles. "It's going to be fine," Liam reassures us and I squeeze Harry's hand, nodding.

They gives us both hugs before going to sit on the couch. I turn to Harry who is wringing his hands together and taking deep breaths. "I'm terrified," I whisper as my breathing starts to become uneven and Harry wraps his arms tightly around me.

"It's going to be fine. Half of our fans already ship us anyways, there is nothing to worry about. We can handle it, and I am always here for you. You just have to let them not get to you," Harry tells me softly and I nod, taking a deep breath before giving him a nod, letting him know I'm okay.

We look to Ben Winston who gives us both thumbs up and I turn to Harry again before we go to sit on the couch. Harry sits right next to me, for which I'm thankful and I know the fans are going to notice that something is up, because Harry and I never get to sit next to each other.

"Alright, we are on in 10, 9, 8-" one manager starts counting down and Harry quickly squeezes my hand before moving his hands back to his lap and I fold my hands, restraining myself from gripping his hand again.

"3, 2, 1," he says and then we turn to the camera with a red light. "Hey guys, sorry we are late, we were just trying to make sure everything was in order," Liam explains and I try not to snort at his excuse.

"We just wanted to do another live stream while we are on a break from our tour, because well, a lot has happened this past week," Niall says. "We have Ben Winston here who is going to ask us some questions," Harry says and we turn to Ben who is sitting in the chair with his notecards.

"Hello everyone. Okay, so let's start off. As we know, you guys had to postpone your tour. Louis, you had quite the big announcement a few days ago on twitcam. Would you like to tell us about that?" Ben asks and I take a deep breath, even though I knew this question was coming since I already pre-approved it.

"Yeah, I-uh-well," I stutter and I feel a hand discreetly brush my arm which automatically relaxes me.

"First off, I would like to apologize to you guys, because I didn't necessarily plan for that to happen, it just kind of did, but-um-I'm sorry that I made it so we had to postpone the tour. As everyone saw, I was in the hospital, because I attempted to commit suicide and I'm sorry to all of you that I let down and please, just hear it from me, it's not going to help you. There is a purpose in your life and just because you haven't found your reason to stay here yet, doesn't mean you will never find it, because I found my reason and I'm staying. So please, stay strong for me," I say and take a deep breath.

I feel Harry's hand brush my arm again and it calms me down. "Wow, that was amazing Louis," Ben says and I blush, looking down to play with my fingers, because I wasn't expecting all of that to come out of me.

"So, when are you planning on restarting the tour?" Ben asks, this time the question directing to the group and I'm thankful that Liam starts to answer. "We are planning to start it back up again in 3 days, once everyone recovers," Liam explains and Ben nods.

Ben goes on to ask more questions and Liam answer most of them, for which I'm glad and then I feel the time getting closer and closer to when Harry and I are going to tell.

I feel my leg bouncing up and down and my attention is on my fingers resting in my lap as I play with my thumbs.

I feel a hand on my knee and I immediately stop bouncing it and my eyes widen in shock, because Harry just put his hand on my leg, while we are doing the livestream.

I look out of the corner of my eye to see Harry staring intently at my face and I see Ben's eyes keep flickering to Harry's hand on my knee whilest Liam is answering another question. I feel the boys staring at me and Harry and then I turn my head slightly to see Harry biting his lip, staring at my face.

I smirk and I guess that does it for Harry because the next thing I know, he pounces on me and his legs are on either side of my lap whilst he attaches his lips to mine, both hands going to cup my cheeks.

I rest my hands on his hips as I move my lips back against his and I see the directors frantically flipping their papers, because this wasn't supposed to be how we were to come out.

I open my eye to see Niall whooping and cheering us on, whilst Liam is trying to frantically explain what is going to the camera. Meanwhile, Zayn is just sitting there laughing at Ben's surprised face, because he wasn't really expecting Harry to become a tiger and pounce on me.

Harry pulls away and rests his head on my forehead, staring into my eyes and biting his lip. "Sorry, you were bouncing your knee and I wanted to calm you down, looks like I got you more excited though-" he teases and I blush, before he continues whispering and I hear Liam still trying to explain whilst Zayn and Niall are laughing. "-but as soon as I touched your knee I lost it. I guess you could say I had no control," he says and I snort, pecking his lips before shaking my head. "No more jokes for you Hazza," I speak normally, not wanting to whisper.

He pouts and slips back down next to me and I cuddle up into him, causing him to smile again. "I'm just kidding, that was hilarious. At least it was better than the shit lou joke," I say and Harry laughs, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me closer. I look to see everyone is silent and staring at us with smiles on their faces and I blush, burying my head into Harry's chest.

"Care to-um-explain, lads?" Ben asks chuckling and I blush even more. Harry laughs and pulls me closer to him as I bury my embarrassed face into his shirt.

"Well, as you can already guess, Louis and I are dating, technically, kind of-um-" he turns to me and cocks his eyebrow and I shake my head, not wanting anyone to know we are engaged, because it's not really necessarily official official, because it just happened and people will ask questions on why we aren't wearing rings and we haven't even told our parents yet. Harry nods, understanding and turns back to the camera. "Yeah, we're dating," he confirms, pulling me closer.

Ben then goes on to ask us how this happened and how long it's been going on and stuff and we just basically hang out for the rest of the livestream, pulling jokes and talking and having fun, because this band is finally having fun, and people should be happy that things are going how they used to go when we first started.

The livestream ends after we say goodbye and Harry wraps his arms around me tightly. He then removes his arms as he takes out his phone and he starts tapping on it quickly. I furrow my eyebrows and then I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket.

I take it out to see Harry has tagged me in an Instagram photo and I roll my eyes but click on it and I wait for the page to load.

It's the picture that Harry took of us on the cliff earlier and it's in color. (Picture is up there^with the trailer) I know that this is the first one in color, and Harry did that on purpose. He told me that he was going to only post in black and white until we can come out then he is going to post in color because color represents rainbows and well it's kind of obvious from there.

He captioned it 'Boyfriend.' and I look up to smile at him. I quickly type out a Tweet and I attach a picture of Harry and I kissing and I have my eyes closed and we are both smiling into the kiss, because we were both trying not to laugh.

@Louis_Tomlinson: I have loved you since we were eighteen... @Harry_Styles http://pic.twitter.com/ks2Hdk89

I send my Tweet and then look at the ones I'm tagged in by my friends and family.

@Real_Liam_Payne: proud of my boys for showing true bravery @Harry_Styles @Louis_Tomlinson love you boys

@NiallOfficial: @Louis_Tomlinson @Harry_Styles I WAS STILL THE FRST ONE T KNOW HAHAHA

@zaynmalik1d: @naughtyboy and I are proud @Louis_Tomlinson @Harry_Styles

@edsheeran: guess I knew before you both did because i did kind of write two songs about you two i blame @Harry_Styles for telling me he liked you @Louis_Tomlinson it sparked ideas

@JohannahDarling: my little babies all grown up #proudmamas @Louis_Tomlinson @Harry_Styles

@aconed: @JohannahDarling we raised them well #proudmamas @Harry_Styles @Louis_Tomlinson

@SadieWitaker: @Louis_Tomlinson @Harry_Styles Olivia is waiting to see you two again just give me a call and I'm proud of you two xx

I retweet all of them and then shut off my phone as Harry pulled me into his arms again. We are told that we can enjoy the rest of the day off and Harry and I say our goodbyes before rushing out to his car and getting in as he drives us back home.

We get inside the house and I slip my jeans off, staying in my boxers and slipping on one of Harry's jumpers before curling up into the couch next to Harry who brings me into his arms.

He runs his fingers through my hair as I trace patterns on his stomach and we sit in silence, enjoying each other's company and thinking about what just happened.

"Are we free Hazza?" I ask nervously, scared at what is to come and I feel Harry smile as he replies.

"Yes baby, we're free."


End file.
